Game Over
by Moczo
Summary: Yami's cursed, Kaiba's deck has been stolen, Bakura becomes a sales executive... throw in TristanCorp and you've got yourself a story!
1. Default Chapter

Chapter 1       

"Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel, my little Pharaoh, I've found you at last." The highly evil voice said in a highly evil way.  A woman sat in the shadows of the chamber, looking at a mirror in which was displayed the image of Yugi, the Millenium Puzzle hanging from a chain around his neck as usual, sitting at his desk at Domino High School.  Typically, he was playing duel monsters, since they don't do work at that school and teachers are nowhere to be found.  

          The figure had a very good (in her opinion) reason to hate the pharaoh, a grudge she'd kept up for the last five thousand years.  A reincarnated spirit locked in a little gold pyramid or no, she was GOING to get back at him, and now that she'd found him, she had the perfect means to do it.  

          Gathering her power she thought, _King of Games, prepare to be dethroned.  _She began chanting in ancient Egyptian; magic flowed from her outstretched hands into the mirror image of Yugi.  The Millenium Puzzle briefly glowed a photo-negative of itself. 

          "HEEEEHEEEHEEEH ::HACK::!" The figure laughed in a pitiful impersonation of an evil laugh, then began coughing violently.  She hadn't laughed evilly in a long time.  

                                                  ***

          Yugi sat looking at the Cards in his hand.  The Dark Magician and Celtic Guardian were on the field, and he was trying to figure the best way to pound Joey into the dust without making his friend look stupid.  Suddenly, the Puzzle glowed, black rather than it's usual gold.  

          _You okay, Yami?  
          ~I feel a little weird… it's gone now, probably just something we ate.  How about you let me finish this duel?  It might clear my head. ~___

Yugi considered the idea carefully.  Joey couldn't possibly consider losing to the King of the Shadow Games a bad thing, and Yugi really didn't want to hurt his friend's fragile ego.  Ever since winning Maximillion Pegasus's tournament, Yugi had just been getting better.  With access to the cards he had, and Yami's support, a normal duelist like Joey was simply no match for him anymore… something Joey refused to admit.  This had been the fifth game they had played today, and Joey had lost every one.  Tristan and Tea had lost interest long ago, and gone off to get lunch.

          Yugi let his other self come out.  He instantly grew three feet, and got a lot more sinister looking.  

          _Ah, hell.  _Joey thought.  Yugi was great, but Yami was a freakin' master.  _Looks like I'm in for loss number six.___

"Well, Joey, let's continue our duel." Yami said in a voice far deeper than Yugi's ever was.  "Now, I'll just… HEY!  I had two cards out!  Where'd the Dark Magician go?"

          "Um… I dunno?"  Joey said tentatively.  The Pharaoh had always intimidated him a little bit.  

          "… Oh, well.  I'll just play something else… WHAT?!  These… cards… ~_YUGI!  What have you been doing out here?!  These are the worst cards I've ever seen! ~___

_          Really?  They didn't seem all that bad to me.  Just pull one from the deck and play that.___

_          ~Okaaaaaaay…~  _Yami thought a little doubtfully.  He drew a card from the deck, looked at it and his jaw dropped in astonishment.  "I… play… the 'Unpleasant Gopher'.  With an attack power of… 3." He said in shock.

          Joey looked like he was in Heaven.  "I play the Flame Swordsman… and… win!"  He started laughing hysterically and jumping up and down as the Flame Swordsman diced the Unpleasant Gopher and Yami's lifepoints fell to zero.

          "… That can't be right.  Joey, let's try that again." 

          They dueled again, and Yami drew the following cards for his hand:

Happy Chipmunk: 50/50 

****

**Disgruntled Badger: -23/1******

****

**Squirrel that isn't happy now but might be later: 0/0******

****

**Exploding Muskrat: -5000/-2000 NOTE: Has the power to make the enemie's lifepoints go up by 500.******

****

**Peppershaker that dispenses a little too much pepper: Makes enemy monster's food have a little too much pepper on it.******

****

Yami wanted to crawl under a rock and die.  

          After Joey won effortlessly, they played three more games with Joey winning each time.  Yami continued to draw cards like 'Kitten with Pink Bow' with an attack power of negative 400 and a defense power of zero, or 'Reverse Steroids' which made the attack power of the enemy monsters go up by 2000 points.  Yami challenged several dozen random students, each duel lasting ten seconds with Yami losing by a landslide.

          ~_WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!?!?~___

_          Come on Yami, everyone loses SOMETIMES… _Yugi thought calmly.

          ~_SOMETIMES?!  **SOMETIMES**?!?!  Yugi, 46 losses in ten minutes isn't SOMETIMES!~___

_          I guess you've got a point there…  ___

Tristan and Tea arrived back from lunch at around that time.  "So, Joey, how badly did you lose to Yugi this time?"

          Joey looked pretty damn pleased with himself.  "Actually I won.  FIVE TIMES!  And against YAMI!"

          Tristan braced himself against a wall, clutching his chest.  Tea sat down to avoid fainting.

          Yugi nodded.  "Yep, Yami seems to be losing pretty badly.  I can draw good cards just fine, but he seems to keep drawing completely useless cards that I've never even heard of."

          "Well, look on the bright side." Tea pointed out.  "You already beat Pegasus, so it doesn't matter!  We have all the time we need to get Yami off this losing streak!"

          "Oh, yeah, Yugi!  A guy on the street asked me to give this letter to you!" Tristan remembered, removing the letter from his jacket pocket.

          "Hmmmm, no address… well, let's see what it's about!" Yugi opened the letter and read it aloud:

          Dear Yugi:

          How have you been?  I've decided I want Apocalyptic Revenge, so I challenge you to a duel.  If you win, I promise to leave you alone for at least a week.  If I win, I'll kill you and all your friends, take your Millenium Puzzle, and tie your Grandpa to a bench and force him to watch as I bulldoze his Game Shop and build a Burger King where it used to be.  I'll see you this time next month.

                                                                                Ciao,

                                                                                Maximillion Pegasus

                                                                                CEO Industrial Illusions

          "… … … Uh-oh." Joey commented.

          "Look on the bright side." Tea said.  "We've got a month!  I'm sure we can take care of this by then!" 

          Suddenly, a remarkably similar letter popped out of the air conditioner on the side of the room and landed in front of Yugi.  He opened it and read it aloud:

          Dear Yugi:

          Sorry my last letter got to you a bit late.  The time frame was a bit off.  By the time you are reading this letter, our duel will be exactly seven days away.  See you then for my Apocalyptic Revenge.

                                                                                _Au Revoir,_

                                                                                Maximillion Pegasus

                                                                                CEO Industrial Illusions

          "… We're all gonna die." Tristan proclaimed in a doomed sort of voice.

          "Look on-" Tea began.

          "Tea, if you say 'Look on the bright side,' I'll strangle you."

          Yugi looked from the letter to the vent and back.  "How does he DO that?"

!! 


	2. Chapter Two

Chapter 2

          Seto Kaiba, in contrast to the Yugi gang, was having a GREAT day.  He had fired his entire board of directors, largely due to the fact they were all traitorous bastards who had conspired to have him killed.  He had made several important business decisions, which had led to him making a couple billion dollars.  He had earned some time off, and had plenty of time to go to his private room at his private mansion (He was still in school, but rarely bothered to go any more) and engage in his favorite activity.  

          Entering his room, he went right past the king-size feather bed and paid absolutely no attention to the chest of briefcases he had filled with cards to trade in case he ever found a card he REALLY wanted.  He walked straight up to the northernmost wall, the one decorated with a massive picture of him.  It took some struggle, but he got the picture off the wall and revealed a massive, nine foot tall vault door, ten inch thick solid steel.  He turned to the keypad beside it, and a computerized voice said, "State your name."  

          "Seto Kaiba".

          "Punch in your access code."

          He punched it in, a thirteen digit totally random number, so no one could possibly guess it.

          "Place your palm on the pad for a fingerprint scan."

          He did so.

          "State your spoken password."

          " 'Yugi must die'."

          A hypodermic needle extended from the wall.  "Prick your finger on the needle and provide three drops of blood for a DNA scan."

          Kaiba did so, his dark red blood running down the needle into the computer to begin the DNA scan.

          "While DNA scan is running, we will begin a voice pattern match.  Speak, and your voice print will be compared to the pre-recorded speech programmed into the security lock."

          Kaiba cleared his throat and began:  "Seto Kaiba, hair brown, eyes a deep, tantalizing blue.  Sinister, yet incredibly dashing.  Beyond a shadow of a doubt the best Duelist on the face of the planet, tall, wealthy, and unbelievably handsome.  Definitely destined to make a mark on history beyond that of its greatest heroes."

          "Voice print and DNA scan confirmed.  You may now enter, Mr. Kaiba."

          The vault door opened, and fifteen identical doors behind it opened one at a time. 

          Kaiba smiled.  He took security very seriously.

          He walked up to the last door and withdrew a key from his vest pocket.  Ignoring the door, with its large, inviting keyhole (Which was a complete fake, the door would explode if ever opened) he slid aside a panel on the wall and inserted the key into the keyhole this revealed.  A section of the wall slid open, and he stepped into his personal vault.

          Inside, an extensive laser web, sensor grid floor, and automated machine guns all surrounded a single pedestal with an elaborate silver box on it.  Kaiba said loudly " 'KaibaCorp. rules the universe'."  

          The computerized voice proclaimed, "Passcode and voice recognition confirmed.  Deactivating automated defense systems."

          He walked up to the box, and turned the KaibaCorp. logo emblazoned on it counterclockwise three times, then half a turn clockwise, then two more counterclockwise.  The box clicked as the poison dart launcher inside was disarmed.

          Kaiba took security VERY seriously.

          He opened the box and his eyes misted up involuntarily.  He fought it off, but he couldn't help shedding a tear of joy whenever he set eyes upon the most precious thing in his life.

          His deck.

          The beautiful, perfect, individually chosen cards that made up the personal dueling deck of Seto Kaiba.  More important to him than ANYTHING up to and including his little brother Mokuba, the deck was the result of years of work and millions of dollars.

          And most precious of all, the crowing achievement of his deck, the greatest items he had ever collected in his life, his most prized possessions, his three super-rare, super-valuable, super-powerful Blue Eyes White Dragon cards.

          He didn't even bother to try to stop the tears of joy that flowed as he looked at the three identical blue-white reptiles, although he was careful to not allow any to touch his beautiful Blue Eyes White Dragon cards.   

          He sat for over an hour, just sighing contentedly and staring at his Dragons.  _Ah, my beautiful cards.  How many victories we've won together.  ::Sigh::… NO!  KAIBA!  STOP IT!  STOP CRYING!  YOU'RE EVIL!  **EVIL!  **Ruthless industrialists don't CRY!  Oh… but my lovely, beautiful cards… never have you failed me… except that one time…___

__

FLASHBACK

          "Draw your last pathetic card, Yugi, so I can end this!" Kaiba taunted.

          "My Grandpa's deck has no pathetic cards, Kaiba!"  Yami/Yugi replied.  "But it does contain… the unstoppable Exodia!" 

          "WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!  IMPOSSIBLE!"

          "I have assembled all five pieces of the puzzle!" Yami/Yugi proclaimed, and sure enough, Exodia appeared on the field.  The massive Egyptian monster towered over Kaiba's Blue Eyes White Dragon cards.

          "EXODIA, OBLITERATE!" Yami/Yugi commanded.

          Kaiba could only watch in horror as his Dragons were destroyed and his life points dropped to zero…

END FLASHBACK

          Kaiba sat where he had been before the flashback, except now he was growling with barely contained fury.  His cards were on the floor, forgotten, and he was clenching his fists so he hard he drew blood.  He didn't consider his loss to Pegasus a loss, because that bastard had used evil Egyptian magic on him, but his loss to YUGI…  "YUGI!" He screamed out to no one in particular.  "YOU CHEATING LITTLE BASTARD!  I'M THE ONE WITH THE BLUE EYES WHITE DAMN DRAGONS, **I** SHOULD HAVE WON!  ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME **ME!**"

          Without looking at what he was doing, he reached into the box and removed the other item in it:  A customized set of darts.  He turned to the far wall of the vault, where was hung a custom-made, well used Yugi dartboard.  He spent a half an hour screaming at it and throwing darts, then just walked up and started punching it.  He threw it on floor and started jumping up and down on it, cursing like a drunk sailor and roaring insults that would have really pissed Yugi off, had he been there.

          Then, the very image of an icy, coldhearted businessman, he hung the dartboard back on the wall, reorganized his deck and put it back in the box beside the darts, and left.  He closed the main door, which reactivated the entire security system.

          Back in the vault, the lasers hummed and the machine guns continued searching for anyone stupid enough to trip a laser or set off the sensors in the floor.  

          Suddenly, however, the box containing Kaiba's deck to began to shimmer, and briefly glowed black…

!! 


	3. Chapter Three

Chapter 3

          Yugi struggled not to kill himself.

          Not that he wanted to.  Yami was in a fit of deep depression, and he kept seizing control of parts of Yugi's body and trying to 'put us out of my misery' as he put it.  Day one of the week until Pegasus arrived had come and gone.  Yugi and Yami had gotten up that morning with high hopes, especially after Yami had reached into their deck and drawn the Swords of Revealing Light.  Twelve straight losses (To _TRISTAN!_) had quickly sunk that, and confirmed that Yami only drew award-winning cards (such as the 'Unstable Hamster', with a world smashing attack power of negative fifteen and the amazing ability to destroy one monster on its own side per turn) when he was in a duel.

          Yugi had an unshakable optimism (one reason was that he was good friends with the equally unshakable Tea) so he wasn't particularly upset by this.  Yami, however, was not quite so optimistic.  He was deep into what could mildly be described as clinical depression, and already Yugi had had to prevent his own hand from stabbing himself in the eye with a pen, hold on to an open window for dear life as Yami attempted to use his legs to jump off the school roof, and desperately try to cushion the blows as Yami tried to bash their head open against a desk. 

          Currently, Yami was trying to strangle himself (which unfortunately required strangling Yugi, or Yugi would have been tempted to let him do it) and Yugi found himself in a brutal battle with his left hand.

          Yugi's friends were helping all they could, but there was only so much of the suicidal Pharaoh they could take.  Anyway, they needed to continue coming up for creative explanations as to why cheerful little Yugi was trying to kill himself, seemingly against his own will.

          A rare sighting, Seto Kaiba was seated in his desk.  He seemed to be enjoying the spectacle of an unwillingly suicidal Yugi.  He'd taken dozens of snapshots.

          _Wonderful.  Just wonderful.  Yami, you're humiliating us!  
          ~SHUT UP!  I JUST WANNA DIE!~___

_          Yami, so you haven't won in a while!  It's no big deal!  
          ~No big deal to YOU!  You're just an ordinary wuss!~___

_          HEY!  ___

_          ~I'm the KING OF THE SHADOW GAMES!~  _Yami continued as though Yugi hadn't protested.  ~_I'm supposed to WIN!  In the last five THOUSAND years I have never lost a match to ANYONE who was not also a Millenium Spirit… Well, discounting the time that YOU gave up and let Kaiba win… UNTIL NOW!  I can't even beat TRISTAN!  'I don't really play Duel Monsters, hasn't won a REAL match in my life' TRISTAN!  It's not just that I don't want to live, I don't DESERVE to live!  I'm a failure!  A sham!  A disgrace to the title of Pharaoh!  If my father were alive to see this, it would kill him AGAIN!~ ___

          _Don't you think you're taking this a little too seriously…?___

_          ~SHUT UP AND **LET ME DIE!**~ _Yami roared, and redoubled his efforts to strangle himself (And Yugi). 

          Joey slumped in his desk, defeated.  "We're all gonna die." He proclaimed in a flat voice.

          Tea scowled.  Joey and Tristan had been doing this at random intervals.  They would just suddenly plop down, and announce their impending doom.  It was a constant chore for Tea to keep such a negative group going, especially with Yugi desperately fighting off himself.

          "We are NOT going to die." She informed Joey firmly.

          "Tea, I appreciate you trying to cheer us up, but look at it this way.  Pegasus is coming.  If Yami loses to him, he'll kill us.  Yami can't win.  We.  Are.  All.  Going.  To.  Die."

          "What?!  Pegasus is coming HERE?!" Kaiba said, suddenly all business.  

          "Yep.  He wants to duel Yugi, who is unfortunately on a losing streak."

          Kaiba's eyes lit up and his face formed into the most evil smile any of them had ever seen.

          "Uh… Kaiba?" Tea said nervously.  "Pega-"

          "Screw him!" Kaiba cut her off.  "What were you saying about Yugi?"

          "Um… he's on a losing streak?"

          Kaiba sprinted out of the room, laughing maniacally. 

          "That was odd." Tristan commented. 

          "… … … uh-oh." Joey said.

          "What?  … OH.  Oh NO." Tea said, realization dawning on her face.

          "Did we just…?"

          "We DID!"

          "I can't believe we forgot who we were talking to there!"

          "How could we have been stupid enough to tell KAIBA that…"

          "Well, we can't get out of it now.  We should probably tell Yugi to hide somewhere for a day or two… or a month… the rest of his life…"

          The three walked up to Yugi, who had at least temporarily gotten Yami under control.  "Um… Yugi?" Tristan said a little nervously.

          "Yes?"  Yugi said, gasping for air.

          "Well, we… kinda… just…" Joey began.

          "It was an accident!  He helped us in the Duelist Kingdom, so we weren't really thinking!" Tea blurted out

          "What?"

          "We didn't mean to, honest…"

          "WHAT DID YOU DO?!"

          "We told Kaiba…" Tristan stammered.

          "Told Kaiba what?  You… OH.  OH!  Oh NO."  Yugi said, burying his face in his hands.  "How could you?  Kaiba will stomp me like a bug, especially now!  Not only that, he's a billionaire!  He's in a position to make my life a living hell!"

          ~_Now will you let me kill us?~___

_          NO!  Shut up!___

"Yugi, we're sorry, man.  We totally forgot that Kaiba has a massive grudge against you and he's rich so he can hunt down every duelist you've ever beaten and tell them all you suck now and he's perfectly willing to threaten us or your Grandfather to force you to duel each and every one of them and be totally humiliated.  Oh, and he'll probably broadcast it all over the world so billions of people will watch you get creamed dozens of times in a row.  And let's not forget that in six days Pegasus will be coming to town to kill you." Joey said helpfully.

          Yugi slumped down to the floor, his unbeatable optimism sorely wounded.  Maybe Yami had the right idea after all.  Everything was going so wrong…

          Their teacher walked in.  The man hadn't taught them anything in so long that they had all forgotten his name, but this time Yugi definitely noticed him because he was followed in by an angel from heaven.

          She had shoulder length black hair, pale white skin, huge green eyes that seemed to draw him in.  She was about Yugi's height, and definitely put together right.  She wore the girls' school uniform, but on her it looked like some kind of gown.  He hated to quote a boy band, but he felt it was clear God had spent a little extra time creating her.  She was drop dead gorgeous.

          "This, class, is Laryssa Colimina, a foreign exchange student from England who will be with us for the rest of the year.  You can sit… oh… right over next to that short kid with the weird hair."

          Yugi pointed at himself and mouthed out: _Me?_

          Laryssa looked at him.

          Right.  At.  Him.

          And smiled.  And winked.

          Yugi felt his body temperature rise about three hundred degrees.

          He couldn't help but think that not EVERYTHING was going wrong after all.

!! 


	4. Chapter Four

Chapter 4  
  

          Seto Kaiba drove to his mansion, the engine of his Ferarri roaring like a T-Rex.  He was going over 150, but that still wasn't fast enough.  He had to get his deck.  

          _I can't believe this!  Yugi on a losing streak!  This is TOO perfect!  _Kept running through his head.  He couldn't think anything else.  As this was not the best mentality for driving, he had run three cars, a school bus, and an ambulance off the road.

          When he finally arrived at his mansion, he leapt out of the car, shoved past his bodyguards, and ran over his little brother.  He shot toward his room, but stopped when he caught something from the corner of his eye.  

          His smile got even more evil.  His deck could wait, he had something to do first.  He picked up the phone, and got out his directory of professional duelists.  He had just had a wonderful idea.

                                                  ***

          Mai was unbelievably bored.  She was at the balcony table overlooking the ocean in an expensive restaurant (her favorite kind) on a date.  She couldn't remember her date's name, but his father owned a Mercedes dealership, so she was letting him buy her things.  He was abysmally dull, so she spent her time admiring the necklace he had bought her.  

          Her cell phone rang, and when she answered, a deep, sinister voice answered "May I assume I'm speaking to the tournament duelist Mai Valentine?"

          "You may.  What's this about?  I'm kinda busy…"

          "My name is Kaiba.  I'd like to invite you to a special tournament I'm hosting in Domino City."

          "Listen Kaiba, you'll have to get back to-" Mai broke off.  Kaiba?  As in _Seto_ Kaiba?  She had only caught a glimpse of Seto Kaiba in the tournament and a few times on T.V., but she recalled that he was far more handsome and interesting than her current date.  Not to mention much wealthier.  How absolutely wonderful all his money would look next to all her money.

          Mai promptly got out of her chair and pushed her date off the balcony.  Ignoring his screams as he hung by his fingers from the railing, she put the phone back to her ear.  "Yes, Seto darling?  You mentioned a tournament?" She purred.  

          "Uh… yes…" Kaiba said a little nervously.  "Um… is someone dying on your end?"

          Mai picked up a fork and stabbed her date's hand, dropping him into the ocean.

          "Not at all, Seto dear.  Now tell me a little more about this tournament…"

          Kaiba gleefully explained Yugi's current situation.  "The tournament will start with me stomping him like a bug, and then everyone else will get to crush him."

          "Now, Seto sweetie, I really don't have anything in particular against little Yugi…"

          "Did I mention I'm offering $10,000,000 to the person who humiliates him the most creatively?"

          _Sorry, Yugi, but business is business.  _"Well, cutie pie, I'll definitely be there.  And maybe afterward we can go somewhere nice and private to celebrate my victory?  Just the two of us?" Mai purred alluringly.

          "Um… I… uh… I…" Kaiba said, somewhat flustered.  "THETOURNAMENTSINTHREEDAYSSEEYOUTHEREBYE!" Kaiba said hurriedly and slammed the phone down.

          Oh well.  She'd have plenty of time to work on him when she got there, and she could be far more convincing in public.  

          Mai left the check for her date (assuming he'd survived) and went off to make travel arrangements. 

                                                      ***

          Weevil was hanging upside down from a cable from the ceiling.  Just a few inches from his outstretched hand were the secret hidden rules for a new tournament that he was planning on entering.  Of course, since cheating was what he did best, he was going to steal them.  And since they were lying out in the open on the tournament judges desk, it was almost too easy.  All he'd had to do was hide in the ventilation ducts for six hours until the man had gone home.

          Suddenly, the man's phone began to ring.  Not wanting to be discovered, Weevil swung over and picked it up.  

          "Hello, is this Weevil Underwood?" A deep sinister voice asked.

          Weevil gazed at the phone in confusion.  How the hell had anyone known he would be in this office?

          He listened as Seto Kaiba outlined his new tournament, getting more and more wickedly gleeful with each sentence.  "Tournament?  Humiliate Yugi?!  TEN MILLION DOLLARS?!  I'M IN!!!!"

          The two shared an evil chuckle at Yugi's expense.

          Weevil grabbed the rules he'd come to steal (Just in case) and reeled himself back up to the ceiling.  He had a Yugi to humiliate.

                                                  ***

          Mako Tsunami climbed out of the ocean and shook saltwater out of his spiky black hair.  God, he loved swimming.  And beaches.  And fish, two of which he had speared.  He loved eating fish on the beach after swimming.  

          Mako was rather single-minded.

          Suddenly, a seashell began making a strange noise, sort of like a phone ringing.  He picked it up and put it to his ear, then listened as a man outlined a new tournament he was planning. 

          Totally ignoring the vast majority of the description, Mako simply replied, "Ah, a chance to test my skills against Yugi once more!  I shall indeed attend your tournament, good sir!"  

          Then he sat down to eat his fish.  God, he loved fish.  And swimming.  And…

                                                            ***

          And the call went out, to Rex Raptor, Bandit Keith and his gang, the Paradox brothers, Panik the Eliminator, and dozens of others who had never even met Yugi but were happy to humiliate him for a shot at ten million dollars.

          Kaiba hung up his phone, a very satisfied smirk on his face.  Oh, what a glorious day.

          Mokuba picked himself off the floor and wiped his brother's footprint off his face.  "What was that all about?"

!! 


	5. Chapter Five

Chapter 5

          Yugi sat in his bed, staring up at the ceiling deliriously. 

          ~_Yugi?  You aren't acting like you.  Is something wrong?~___

_          Laryssa Colimina… ahhhhhhh…___

_          ~ That new girl?  You DID spend a lot of time with her today…~___

_          Laryssa Colimina… ahhhhhh…___

_          ~ Yugi… hello?  Earth to Yugi?~___

_          Yami, do you know what's beautiful and has three 'a's'?  Laryssa Colimina… ahhhhhhh…___

_          ~ Yugi, I think it's great that you like this girl… I personally always thought you were gay…~___

_          WHAT?!___

_          ~  Well, let's be frank here.  Tea is definitely hot on you, and she's no slouch in the looks department, but you seem to see her as 'just a friend'…~ ___

_          I… but… I… Just because Tea and I are only friends doesn't mean I'm GAY!___

_          ~ Whatever.  Anyhow, I felt a strange aura around that girl.~___

_          What was it?  Her heavenly beauty?  Her sweet perfume?  Or simply the rays of joy and loveliness she spreads into a room just by walking into it?   ___

_          ~ Now you're definitely acting weird.~___

_          This coming from a man who tried to kill himself because he lost a card game?___

_          ~ Bastard.~ _Yami thought, and stopped talking_.___

Bored, Yugi turned on his T.V and flipped on the news.

          "In breaking news today, Seto Kaiba, president of KaibaCorp., the world's leader in holographic technology, has announced a special 'Humiliate Yugi' tournament." At this point, and picture of Yugi appeared behind the newscaster.  "The purpose of this tournament appears to be to engage Yugi Motoh in a game of Duel Monsters and creatively humiliate him.  The most creative humiliator will be awarded a generous grand prize of ten million dollars.  The tournament will take place in three days, and will be broadcast worldwide.  Also, KaibaCorp.'s special satellite uplink system will be broadcasting the tournament non-stop into deep space in hopes it will reach an alien life form, who will watch Yugi be humiliated."

          _Grand.  Just grand. _Yugi thought.  He would have to strangle his friends, this was all their fault.  And he definitely needed to have a word with Kaiba.

          "In other news, Industrial Illusions CEO Maximillion Pegasus has announced an upcoming visit to Domino Town, home of Yugi Motoh and site of Seto Kaiba's tournament.  When interviewed, Pegasus stated his reasons for the visit as 'sight-seeing, shopping, and Apocalyptic Revenge.'"

          A tall man in a suit and sunglasses walked on camera and whispered into the newscaster's ear.  He then handed her an envelope and walked away.

          "It seems we've received a letter from Mr. Pegasus!  It has instructions to 'open it and read it on the air, since Yugi is watching this channel right now.'  It says:

          Dear Yugi,

          Hello again.  I heard about Seto's little tournament, so I've rescheduled my Apocalyptic Revenge for exactly five minutes after the tournament ends.  This gives you exactly three days, rather than the five you had at the end of the day today following my previous 'Schedule of Revenge.'  Also, I've decided that when I bulldoze your Grandfather's shop, I'm going to build a Red Lobster in its place, not a Burger King.  Enjoy the rest of the news.

                                                                                Adios,

                                                                                Maximillion Pegasus

                                                                                CEO Industrial Illusions"                   

            Yugi looked at the T.V. in blank astonishment.  "HOW DOES HE **DO **THAT?!"

          ~_Yugi, this is getting serious.  If we can't end my losing streak in three days, we're all going to die, and I personally think three thousand years is too short a life to live…~  _Yami stopped dead.  When he started thinking again, it was in a fake sweet voice.  ~… _Yugi, friend, companion, all around nice guy…  When, exactly, did your new girlfriend arrive in town?~___

_          Well, yesterday.  She got into school today, so that makes sense…___

_          ~Hmmmmmm… Yesterday… same day my losing streak started, I can't help but notice.~___

_          Yeah, some weird coincidence, huh? _Yugi thought warily.

          _~ Yeah.  Coincidence.~  _Yami thought back in the same tone of voice he had used when planning to kill himself.

          _Yami, I'm going to sleep.  If you do anything… strange… I'll stick your puzzle in a freezer for a few months.  _Yugi warned.

          _~Now, Yugi, you can trust me!  I would NEVER do anything wrong.~ ___

_-Unless, of course, it were in my own best interests.- _Yami thought, blocking that particular sentiment off from Yugi.

          Waiting until Yugi had fallen deeply asleep, Yami took control of their body, and started preparing. 

!! 


	6. Chapter Six

Chapter 6

          Seto Kaiba sat in his desk at Domino High School.  He wasn't exactly sure what was going on.  He was all set to humiliate his archrival on a scale grander than anyone had ever been humiliated before.  He was, as always, rich and handsome.  Yet he couldn't shake the feeling that SOMETHING was wrong.  It had been a tiny little nagging feeling in the back of his head starting the last time he had seen his deck, but he hadn't really had time to notice it until now.  It bugged him all through the day, so much so that he totally ignored the events of the day, which would have amused him tremendously had he been paying attention.

          Yugi had, typically, walked in to school and sat down with his friends.  However, when Laryssa had walked in, Yugi had, seemingly against his own will, reached into his pocket with his right hand and removed a small, one shot self-defense gun.  He then proceeded to aim it directly at the exchange student's head, when his left hand slapped his right arm.  The gun went off, the bullet grazing Laryssa's hair.  

          All three of Yugi's friends gazed at their violent little pal in dejection.  Yami was at it again.  

Laryssa, for her part, didn't seem to notice.  

          Yugi removed a knife from his other pocket and lunged at her, but braced his legs against a desk, doing his best to try to wrestle the knife away from himself.  He then growled and slammed the handle of the knife into his own face, distracting himself long enough to leap at the English exchange student.

          The knife slashed, glinting in the fluorescent lighting.

          But Yami's aim wasn't particularly good.  He had only hit her hair, slicing off a good five inches of it.  Far from killing her, this new 'do' made her look even better than before.     

          Yugi bit his own hand, and the knife fell from his grasp.  He tried to pick it back up, but successfully kicked it away.  Snarling in disgust, he punched himself in the stomach, and grabbed a pen off a desk, making as if to stab Laryssa.  But he punched his own face twice, and threw himself out the window.

          Ten minutes later, dirty, bleeding, and shredded, Yugi came stomping back into the class, carrying the Millenium Puzzle in his hand rather than wearing it.  "… AND I'LL DEAL WITH **YOU **LATER!" He roared at the golden pyramid, and slammed it into his backpack.  He spent the rest of the day asleep at his desk, totally ignoring both his friends and his newfound crush. 

          Laryssa apparently had no idea she'd almost been killed three times.

At the end of the school day, Kaiba walked out to his Ferrari.  Mokuba had gotten out of Elementary School fifteen minutes earlier, and was waiting for him, when Yugi came running out of the school.  Kaiba started at his rival's appearance.  His clothes were torn, his eye was black, and his lip was bleeding badly.  Kaiba vaguely remembered him getting hurt somehow, but he had been distracted.

          "KAIBA!  How can you DO this to me?!"

          "What?"  
        " 'What?'  'WHAT?'  THIS TOURNAMENT, THAT'S WHAT!"

          "Oh, that!  Well, Yugi, this is my payback to you for beating me!"

          "But… you beat me in the Duelist Kingdom!  Isn't that your payback?"

          "Yugi… you have perhaps heard the proverb 'Revenge is a dish best served cold?'" Kaiba began.  "Well, when I beat you… it was beautiful.  I had you stomped.  You were on the ground CRYING.  I, essentially, had a big plate of perfectly chilled revenge.  And I want more.  This tournament is my way of setting up a huge buffet of revenge, and I'm going to walk up and down it and pile my tray with all the superbly cold revenge I can stomach, and wash it down with a glass of iced revenge juice."

          "… You are pure evil." Yugi declared.

          "What can I say?  I've always been a big supporter of 'eye-for-an-eye' justice.  Except it's not mean enough.  I've always thought that if they take your eye, you should take both their eyes, and that's just so they don't have to watch the creative ways you maim them next." Kaiba revealed, and got in his car and drove off, leaving Mokuba behind in the heat of the moment.

          "… Mokuba?"

          "Yeah, Yugi?"

          "Is it me, or is your brother completely insane?"

          "… I'm not really sure.  Fifty-fifty chance he's a maniac."

          "Ah.  You know, you'd think beating me and almost getting my Grandpa killed would be enough revenge for beating him in a card game."

          "Oh, no!" Mokuba said brightly.  "Seto can hold a grudge for YEARS!  I remember when I was three, I ate a cookie he wanted, and for two years he wouldn't call me by my real name.  I was just 'Cookie Thief'.  He would tie me to a chair and throw cookies at me, screaming things like 'WHAT'S THE MATTER?!  THE COOKIES DON'T TASTE GOOD WHEN THEY'RE NOT **STOLEN?!?!?!?**" Mokuba roared the last in a passable impression of his older brother's voice.

          "Great." Yugi groaned.  "Just great."

          Nine hours later…

          Seto Kaiba was tossing and turning in his huge bed.  He normally slept quite well after a busy day of making money.  And today he'd been extra busy, planning his tournament.  But he couldn't shake that sinking feeling.  SOMETHING was wrong.

His Deck.  That was it.  Whenever he was feeling bad, his deck never failed to cheer him up.  He got out of bed, went to the wall, and undertook the massive security process necessary to get into his vault.  He deactivated the machine guns, disarmed the poison dart launcher, and looked into the silver box expectantly.  Suddenly, the reason for his strange feeling became abundantly clear.

His deck was gone.

"**NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!**"

!! 


	7. Chapter Seven

Chapter 7

          A half an hour after his meeting with Kaiba, Yugi stormed into his Grandpa's shop, stomped upstairs to his room, and slammed the door so hard it splintered.  He took the Millenium Puzzle out of his pack and put it on.  

          _OKAY, SPILL IT!  WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT ALL ABOUT!?___

_          ~ It's simple, Yugi.  I've a perfectly reasonable explanation.~___

_          YAMI, YOU TRIED TO KILL MY POTENTIAL GIRLFRIEND!  YOUR EXPLANATION HAD BETTER BE BETTER THAN 'REASONABLE!___

_          ~ Of COURSE it's good.~___

_          Well… okay.  I'll give you a chance.  But this had better be REALLY REALLY good.___

_          ~  She's evil.~ ___

_          THAT is your explanation?!  ___

_          ~ Think about it!  My losing streak began when she came to town. ~___

_          That's called 'coincidence'.___

_          ~ Plus, she's got you acting all weird. ~___

_          How so?!___

_          ~ Well, you're so attracted to her, but you're gay. ~___

_          **I AM NOT GAY!**_**__**

****_~Whatever.  In any event, since she just came to town and you like her, it's obvious the only way to end my losing streak is to kill her.~___

There.  Yami had said it.  Yugi was incredulous.  Yami was normally pretty level-headed, but he sounded like he honestly believed he could end his problems by splitting Laryssa's head open with an ice pick.

          _Yami… I think the stress of this whole situation has gotten to you.___

_          ~ What makes you think that?~___

_          You're blaming your problem on a girl from England who has nothing to do with anything, and you're trying to make ME kill her.  ___

_          ~ And what's strange about that? ~___

_          Yami, that clinches it.  You need some time off, and I can't risk going to jail for first degree murder.  I'm… _Yugi took a deep breath.  _I'm leaving your puzzle home tomorrow.___

          ~ … … … You… you're not serious, are you?  You're… leaving the Millenium Puzzle at home? ~

_          I'm sorry, Yami, but you need some time to calm down.  I don't want to kill anyone, even if it's technically YOU killing them.  I'll put you back on as soon as school ends.___

_          ~ Yugi… friend… think of what you're saying here.  You're just gonna leave me here?  Alone?  I live in a room in a tiny little puzzle!  What am I gonna do all day? ~___

_          Whatever it is, it WON'T be murder._

          Yami started sobbing uncontrollably.  

          _Oh, shut up.  It's just for tomorrow, and I'll leave the T.V. on for you.  ___

_          ~A-alright… JUST GO OFF TO YOUR SCHOOL AND DIE, YOU STINKING TRAITOR!~ _ Yami roared suddenly.

          Yugi sighed loudly, took the golden pyramid off, and put it on his nightstand.

          Eight and a half hours later…

          "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

          Yugi sat up with a jolt.  He had been asleep, but then he had heard what sounded like Kaiba yelling, and loud enough to be inside his own room.  He looked around, and Kaiba was nowhere nearby…

          Grandpa slammed open the door.  "Yugi, did you by any chance hear that Kaiba kid?"

          "Uh, yeah.  But he's not here… it must have been a fluke.  Some kind of new rap music or something."

          "Ah.  Well, as long as I'm not insane.  Oh, by the way, I found this outside your door." Grandpa said.  He threw the object onto Yugi's bed, turned, and left.  

          It was a letter, which Yugi opened.  It read

          Dear Yugi,

          My, that Kaiba boy has quite a set of lungs, doesn't he?  Yes, that WAS him you heard screaming a few moments ago, from his mansion several miles outside your town.  It seems that his tournament may be postponed, but I just wanted to inform you my 'Schedule of Revenge' will be continuing as planned, regardless.  See you in two days.

                                                                                Sayonara,

                                                                                Maximillion Pegasus

                                                                                CEO Industrial Illusions

"**HOW DOES HE DO THAT?!**" Yugi roared.

                                                          ***

          As Yugi walked to school the next day, the familiar weight of the Millenium Puzzle gone from around his neck, he started humming a little tune.  Life was GRAND!  He had a girlfriend, and pals, and he _didn't_ have a maniac who could take over his body hanging around his neck.  Suddenly his good mood was interrupted when a generic looking man in a suit and a pair of sunglasses stepped out of the bushes in front of him.

          "Yugi Motoh?  My employer, Seto Kaiba, would like to have a word with you."

          "Do I have to?  I really need to get to school…"

          "GET HIM!" The man shouted as he charged forward.

          Eleven similar looking men dropped out of the tree above poor Yugi and began severely beating him.  They then stuffed him in a burlap sack and ran off toward KaibaCorp with the sacked Yugi in tow.  

                                                  ***

          The men dumped Yugi on the floor in front of Seto Kaiba's desk.  Yugi immediately could discern something was wrong… Kaiba had a half empty bottle in his hand, and about twenty empty ones were piled off to the side.  He was slumped over his desk like a man who had no reason to go on living.  

          "Yugi." He said calmly, his voice slightly slurred.  Yugi could smell the alcohol on his breath from ten feet away.  "Y'know, Yugi, just when you think you have it all… money, power, fame, good looks, genius, charisma, talent…"

          "Okay, I get it!" Yugi said quickly.  Once Kaiba started talking about himself, getting him to shut up was an all day chore.  "What's the problem?"  
          "… like I was saying, you just think you have it all.  And then you have-" He made a '0' with his left hand.  "-Zip." He finished.  He took a swig from the bottle in his hand, draining it.  He tossed it in the pile, and pulled another from the cooler on the other side of his desk.

          "Kaiba… what's wrong?  Why are you acting like this?  And what in the name of heaven and hell are you DRINKING?  You smell like a distillery!"

          Kaiba held the bottle up for inspection:

Uncle Bob's Pure Grain Alcohol 

**Since 1860******

**WARNING: Not intended for use as a beverage******

****

          "Um… Kaiba… isn't pure grain alcohol poisonous?"

          "Whatever.  What matters here, Yugi, is that the most important thing in the world to me is gone.  Vanished.  Missing." His voice dropped to a bloodthirsty hiss.  "STOLEN."

          "Mokuba is GONE?!"  

          "Not Mokuba, you stupid bastard!  MY DECK!"

          "Your… deck?"

          "GIVE IT BACK RIGHT NOW!  I **KNOW **YOU TOOK IT, YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN JEALOUS!  GIVE IT BACK OR I'LL KILL YOU RIGHT HERE YOU LITTLE BITCH!"  Then he calmed down.  "No, it couldn't have been you."

          "It's nice you trust me enough to know I wouldn't rob you, Kaiba.  I like to think we've shared a mutual respect to go along with our rivalry and…"

          "I don't trust you, but you're too short to have reached the lock without making enough noise to wake me up.  That's why I haven't bothered to have Mokuba tortured yet, he's even shorter that you are."

          That shut Yugi up.  "… oh."

          Kaiba now looked on the verge of tears.  "Yugi, what kind of sadistic monster would do this?  What kind of vile, blood-sucking fiend would take my Rude Kaiser?  My Battle Ox?  My Saggi the Dark Clown?  My bl… my bl… my… my… my…"

          "Blue Eyes White Dragons?"

          "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Kaiba buried his head in his arms and began crying like a baby. 

           "Um… I think you can leave now." One of the men in suits informed Yugi.  He didn't need any encouragement, and he was soon on the elevator.  He stepped off in the lobby… and into a dream.

          There, waiting, was one hell of a woman.  If Laryssa was an angel, then she was the devil… and made going to hell look like a good thing.  She was wearing a leather mini-skirt, and thigh-high leather boots.  On the TOP half of her body, she only had a few carefully positioned black leather straps.

          Yugi tried hard to say something, but his mouth just sort of hung open stupidly.  Interestingly, the first thing he thought was _She has really nice shoulders.___

_          Really?  _His mind answered, sounding slightly hysterical.  _Hee, hee, I hadn't noticed.___

He was so distracted that he didn't even notice who she was until she said:  "Well, hi, Yugi.  Wasn't expecting to run into you here."

          "**MAI**?!" He shouted, recognizing the voice.  His eyes shot up from her… assets… and up to her face, which he just realized he hadn't taken a good look at.  It was indeed Mai.  "I… I… I… I… I… Um, hi.  Waaaaaaaaaait… YOU'RE HERE FOR THE GOD DAMNED TOURNAMENT!"

          She winked.  "Only partially.  Ten million dollars is pocket change compared to the money that 'Mrs. Kaiba' would have access to."

          "… You're here to marry Kaiba?  Well, you should know he's kind of… despondent.  His deck was stolen."

          "THIS IS GREAT!  I'll nurse him out of his sadness, and I won't even have to seduce him!"

          "He's drunk."

          "Even better!"  Mai got into the elevator and headed for the top floor, whistling jauntily.  

          Yugi blinked a few times, and started walking home.  Screw school, he needed a cold shower.

!! 


	8. Chapter Eight

Chapter 8

          The KaibaCorp. executive board (And Mai) looked in on Kaiba.  He had abandoned his desk, and was sitting on the floor in a ring of lit candles, singing Kum-bai-yah in his slurred, drunken voice.  Sporadically, he would jump to his feet, swearing like he was possessed by Satan and smashing things at random.  Other times he would sit in a crumpled heap in the corner, crying like a baby for several minutes.  But always he would end these fits by grabbing a bottle from by his desk, slugging it down, and singing.  

          He couldn't sing very well, especially when he was drunk.

          Suddenly he stood up.  "GET IN HERE, NOW!  ALL OF YOU!" He roared at the top of his lungs.

          The crowd outside the door shuffled in nervously, and Kaiba looked at them all slyly.  Oh, they thought they were smart.  They thought they were clever.  THEY THOUGHT THEY COULD PULL THE WOOL OVER THE EYES OF **SETO KAIBA!  **But his last executive board had thought they were smart, too, and look where they'd ended up.  Oh, these fools would regret what they had done, and HE KNEW THEY HAD DONE IT!  But they couldn't have his deck, not his, because it WASN'T THEIRS.  It was HIS.  As simple as this seemed to him, he realized they might not understand it.  But he'd have to make them.That chick in the leather was really hot.

          "Gentlemen.  A duelist's deck is an important thing.  What you lying, greedy, bastards don't seem to realize, is that my deck is MINE.  It isn't yours.  Knowing this, you simply have to give it back.  Now I realize that this might sound like a revelation to all of you.  I know it was a revelation to me.  But really, when you think about it, it makes perfect sense.  You cannot have my deck because it isn't yours.  Now please give it back."

          "Sir, we didn't take your…" one of them spoke up.

          "LIAR!  YOU ARE A LYING, CHEATING, GREEDY, EVIL GROUP OF JEALOUS, SELF-SERVING, DECK-STEALING BASTARDS!"

          "Now sir, we've been far too busy preparing your tournament to have stolen anything.  And, might I add, it's going to be starting on time, the largest affair since…"

          "Tournament?"  Kaiba laughed, a high-pitched, decidedly unstable giggle.  "Do you think I give a damn about the tournament?  The tournament is off!  And I don't have time for your excuses!  GIVE ME MY GODDAMN DECK!"

          "Now, sir, we would NEVER steal your Hitotsu-me giant." Another board member said, thinking quickly.  "Or your…"

          "… Crush Card." Kaiba finished, his eyes glazing over.  "My… La Jinn the Mystical Genie of the Lamp,  my bl… my bl… my…"

          "Blue Eyes White Dragons?"

          "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"  
          The board members stepped back out in the hall, while Mai stayed behind to comfort Kaiba.  Apparently he wasn't COMPLETELY oblivious, because he stopped crying like a wuss.

          The board members looked to each other in disgust.  "That guy is a DISGRACE!  We should just get rid of him!" one of them (For convenience he'll be #1) said.

          "YEAH!  If we kill him, then we can use Mokuba as a figurehead, and run KaibaCorp. ourselves!" #2 proclaimed.

          "HOLD IT!  Do you guys remember what happened to the last guys who tried that?" #3 reminded them.

          All five of them visibly paled.  

          "I remember.  All that blood, and the screaming…" #4 recalled, a haunted look on his face.

          "And the FIRE.  And those tweezers…" #1 continued, looking nauseous.

          "And the SCREAMING!" #4 shouted, looking terrified at the mere memory.

          "And the leeches… especially after the acid, the leeches came after the acid…"          #2 recalled.

          "You see?  We can't try to get rid of him, because if we screw up…" #3 trailed off.

          "I don't want to think about it." #4 agreed fervently.

          "If we can't get rid of him, we need to cure him.  We need to find that deck!" #1 decided.

          "… Hey, I just had a great idea!" #2 declared.  "If that tournament is cancelled, we have ten million dollars just sitting around!  We can offer that as the reward to anyone who finds the deck!"

          "It's settled, then."  #3 proclaimed.  "We'll make the announcement tomorrow, when the last of the duelists arrive.  $10,000,000 for Master Kaiba's deck!"

!! 


	9. Chapter Nine

Chapter 9  
  
Yugi walked back into the Game Shop, to find a familiar silver haired figure waiting for him. Far from being Pegasus, it was good ol' Bakura... probably even worse, when you think about it. Judging by the Millenium Ring hanging around his neck when it shouldn't be there, a lot worse.   
Yugi formed a cross with his fingers. "BACK! Back, evil spirit! The power of Christ repels thee!" *Just when you thought it was safe to leave your Yami in your bedroom... the stairs aren't that far away, can I make it to the puzzle before Bakura's psycho spirit kills me?*  
Bakura raised his hands placatingly. "Yugi, I'm not evil, I swear."  
Yugi started edging toward the stairs. "If you aren't controlled by your evil spirit, then why are you in my house during school hours?"  
"Oh, well, the author realized he was already on chapter nine and I hadn't even made a cameo yet! To make up for that, I'm going to be in every chapter from now on, even the ones about Kaiba!"  
"Wow. How are you going to manage that? Kaiba doesn't even really know you."   
"Oh, I'll find a way. I'm really good at that sort of thing. You know, like when you were looking for Pegasus after your duel, I got to him first although I never passed by you and had demonstrated no previous ability to teleport, and then got out of the room through the only entrance without anyone seeing me?"  
"True, true. Well, good luck. You're certain you aren't evil?"  
"Oh, no. I have complete control over my ring now. DIE! I WILL CONSUME YOUR SOUL AND USE YOUR FEEBLE POWERS TO ENHANCE MY OWN! YOUR PUZZLE WILL HANG FROM MY NECK AND GIVE ME THE POWERS OF A GOD!" Bakura roared this last in the low, raspy voice of his Yami. (Who will be referred to as Evil Bakura. I don't know why, I just can't think of him as Yami Bakura. Whenever I see him, I think 'Evil Bakura'.)  
"Complete control?"  
"Ha! As if this worthless insect could ever control me! My powers are without limit, and I shall destroy you utterly and claim your Millenium item!" Evil Bakura ranted. "I will... I... will... oh, dear. So I don't have 'complete' control." Bakura admitted.  
"Whatever. Say... your evil spirit has a lot of experience with ancient magic, right? My Yami seems to need tune-up or something, and I thought maybe yours could actually say something helpful in between all those homicidal threats and promises of world conquest."  
"Well, sort of. He knows what the magic does, but usually can't figure out how to use it..."  
"What do you mean?"  
"Well, it's really best explained by a flashback."  
"Oh, come on, do we really have to do-"   
  
Flashback:   
  
Evil Bakura: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! The almighty Millenium Eye is finally MINE! Now I will use its powers to greatly enhance my own, allowing me to read my opponent's every thought!  
  
(Silence. Several seconds pass, as Evil Bakura looks expectantly at the Eye.)  
  
Bakura: (Inside the Millenium Ring) You haven't the foggiest idea what to do with it, do you?  
  
E. Bakura: Of course I do!  
  
Bakura: Well, do it then.  
(Silence. A cricket chirps in the distance)  
  
Bakura: HA! I knew it!  
  
E. Bakura: Silence! It's obvious! Pegasus wore it in his eye, so you just jam it in!   
  
Bakura: WHAT?! Don't you dare!  
  
(Ignoring him, evil Bakura drives the Millenium Eye into his right eye.)  
  
E. Bakura: (Clutching his right eye, which is bleeding. The Millenium Eye lies on the floor, covered in pieces of Bakura's eyeball) MY EYE! MY )(#*%@#)% EYE! THAT HURTS LIKE )(#*)%(*#)%* HELL! OH GOD @#)(%*@#)%* THIS @)(#*)#% EYE!  
  
Bakura: (Spiritually winces) That looks painful.  
  
E. Bakura: NO #)(*$! I JUST GOUGED MY )@#($*#)(* EYE OUT! Waiiiiiiit... Pegasus always wore it in his left eye!  
  
Bakura: Oh, god...  
  
(Evil Bakura drives the Millenium Eye into his left eye socket.)  
  
E. Bakura: OH @#(*%&#(%&, THAT #(*%&(@#%& HURTS LIKE #()*%#%! I'M BLIND! I'M #$%@)%(&* )#@(*@#)$* )@#$(ing BLIND!  
  
Bakura: (Reproachful) That's generally what happens when you drive a big metal thing into both of your eyes.  
  
E. Bakura: NO, IT'S SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME (@#%*&@#( INVINCIBLE!  
  
Bakura: If you had the slightest idea how to use it, maybe.  
  
E. Bakura: I DO KNOW HOW TO @#)(%*# USE IT!  
  
Bakura: If that were true, you'd be... how did you put it? "(@#%*&@#( INVINCIBLE!" (Said in a passable impression of his Evil Bakura's voice)  
  
E. Bakura: (Defeated, and in a great deal of pain) ::Sigh:: I guess you're right. Maybe I can use it for a coaster or something...  
  
End Flashback:  
  
"-This?" Yugi finished.  
"Yes, we did." Bakura replied in a superior tone. "You see, my Yami knows what the magic does, but leave him alone with it, and he starts driving it into his eyeballs. He's hopeless at figuring out how to use the damn things."  
"Well, knowing what it is would still be a step up from what we've got now, which is nothing." Yugi admitted.  
Yugi went upstairs and put on the puzzle. Then (I know you've all been waiting for THIS)...  
"YU-GI-OH!" In that whole unnecessarily flashy sequence, Yugi transformed into his alter ego, and Yami Yugi walked down the stairs, where Bakura had likewise let his Yami out.   
"Okay, Grave Robber," Yami said, holding the puzzle out. "Do you have any idea what's wrong with me?"  
Evil Bakura took one look at the puzzle, and fell to the floor, laughing so hard he couldn't breathe. "MWA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh... oh... ohohOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO! Do I... do I... do I EVER know what it is! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"  
"WELL?!"  
"It's an ancient Egyptian curse. There's no real translation, but the closest would be 'Game Over'. It takes whatever you're best at, the one thing you take the most pride in... and makes you totally incapable of succeeding at it! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"  
"... When does it wear off?" Yami asked in a dead sort of voice.  
"IT DOESN'T! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"  
"How do I get rid of it?"  
"... You could try ramming that puzzle into your eye. That's what I usually do in these situations."  
"... it never wears off, and the only person who knows what it is has no idea how to get rid of it."  
Evil Bakura chuckled. "I hope you like playing solitaire, because you're never going to win a duel again." 


	10. Chapter Ten

Chapter 10

           Kaiba was a broken, drunk, despondent wreck of a man.  

          And yet he'd never felt such hope.  Ten million dollars!  Just for returning a few cards!  Of course, since the person who took them would probably be the one to return them, he would expose whomever returned the deck to tortures that most mortals could only dream of.  But still, surely they would return the cards for that much money.  

          And in any event, he'd let himself get too riled up by this.  He had a company to run, and he'd forgotten the #1 rule of being an evil industrialist: let your money do the talking.  If he'd held on to his evil instead of letting himself get wrapped up in utter despair, he would have offered a huge reward the moment the deck was stolen.  The fact that his executive board, who had been specially picked to avoid independent thought, had thought of it first meant that he had lost control to a level that was inexcusable.  

          Not to mention women tended to dislike drunken, unshaven slobs, who cried like babies whenever someone mentioned the bl… bl… bl… certain dragon cards.  

          So it was that Kaiba began to put his life back to together.  After another bottle to help numb the soul wrenching pain.

          "You know, Mai, I've let all this get to me.  I've got billions of dollars to manage, and I've just been letting them do whatever they want.  If you want to keep money, you've got to be diligent with it!"

          Mai batted her eyelashes becomingly.  "Or marry someone who has more of it, Seto sweetie."

          "I… um… I… time to work!" he said nervously, running over to his computer and typing furiously.

          "Now, now, Seto darling, there's no need for that RIGHT this minute, is there?" Mai said, sitting in his lap.  

          Even a drunk couldn't miss a sign that obvious.  Kaiba tried to say something suave, but his vocal cords didn't seem to work.  For a billionaire, he had surprisingly little skill in the woman department.

          "Oh, I'm sorry, have I come at a bad time?" A polite British voice inquired.  Mai (looking irritated) and Kaiba (looking a cross between disappointed and relieved) turned to the door to find Bakura standing there.

          Mai sighed, and stood up.

          Kaiba looked confused.  "Um… Bakura, right?  No offense, but how'd you get in here?"

          "Oh, the author wrote me in," Bakura said cheerfully.  "I have to be in all of the chapters from now on."

          "… okay."

          "HA!" Evil Bakura roared.  "As if your feeble human security could keep out one such as myself!  You have no conception of whom you are dealing with, you puny mortal dolt!"  his features shifted back to his far kinder counterpart.  "Oh, dear.  Sorry about that."

          Kaiba looked Bakura over appraisingly.  "You know, you're exceptionally creepy."

          "Yeah, sorry about that."

          "No, no, that's good!  We have an opening for a sales executive, would you like the job?"

          "What exactly would be my duties?" Bakura asked, sounding interested.  Like most of Yugi's acquaintances, Bakura was a leech on society.  A chance at a real, paying job was an opportunity most of them couldn't ignore.

          "Basically, you go to rich people and talk them into buying big, expensive things that they don't want or need from our company.  With someone as creepy as you, they'll probably buy something just to make you go away!"

          "… hmmmm, an interesting opportunity!  I had no idea mortals had such superb responsibilities!" Evil Bakura mused.  "How much does the position pay?"

          Kaiba shrugged.  "Oh, I'm not into all that bookkeeping and accounting.  Every week or so, I'll just give you a giant bag of money and call that your paycheck, okay?"

            _~Heh, heh, heh… with such wealth, I could easily track down all the millenium items, in addition to being able to buy snack cakes whenever I wish!  It will make this mortal existence almost worth bearing!  Bakura, we will accept immediately!~ _Evil Bakura thought to his counterpart.

          Bakura cocked his head to one side, as if listening to someone talking.  "Yes, we'll do it!" He announced cheerfully after a moment.

          "… … … 'we'll'?"

          "Myself, of course, and him!" Bakura said, pointing at the Ring.

          "… Yes, I think you'll do just fine," Kaiba said, filled with the satisfaction of a deal well made.  He reached into his trenchcoat and removed a bag of money the size of a watermelon.  "Here's your first paycheck.  You start right now.  Get out there and sell, sell, sell!  Oh, and remember our slogan:  'KaibaCorp., the world's leaders in holographic technology… and also a large, powerful corporation that knows where you live.'"

          Bakura set off into the exciting world of sales.  God help us all.

          "Now, dear, where were we?" Mai purred.

          "Um… I… Um… I… Um… I forget?" Kaiba squeaked.

          Mai licked her lips.  "I think I remember…"

          "SIR!" board member #4 ran into the room.  Mai practically screamed in frustration.  _Oh, so close…___

"Y-yes?" Kaiba asked, shaking his head in an attempt to get blood into it again.  

          "We've found someone who claims to have found your deck!"

          "WHAT?!  BRING HIM IN **IMMEDIATELY**!" Kaiba roared, snapping back to reality.  

          Two KaibaCorp. guards dragged a small figure in a green coat into the room. He had obviously just been beaten up severely, his glasses hanging off his bruised and bloodied face.  It was none other than Weevil.  

          As he was brought into the room, one of the guards shook his head.  "Sorry President Kaiba, but it's a false alarm.  This little freak tried to give us a fake deck… really convincing one too.  But as per your orders, we gave the cards a thorough molecular scan, and the Blue Eyes White…" seeing Kaiba's expression after the first three words, the guard paused to consider his next words.  "… things… were definitely forgeries.  We brought him to you as soon as we were sure."

          Kaiba grimaced.  _So close.  So, so close.  And all of it, ruined, gone, destroyed by this little, little, little… THING!  Well, I'll teach HIM, show HIM what happens when you screw with SETO KAIBA!___

"Weevil… little friend, I'm ashamed of you.  I always thought you an intelligent, if somewhat overly fond of disgusting crawly things, duelist.  Tell me, did you really think you'd get away with this?" Kaiba asked in an icy tone.  

          "I'm sorry!  I'm so sorry, sir, I'll leave and never come back, just don't hurt me!" Weevil whined.        

          "Ah, but Weevil, there is ONE way you can redeem yourself.  It won't get you any money, but you can leave, scot free.  Do you, or do you not, know where my deck actually is?"

          "No, no I swear!"

          Kaiba sighed deeply.  "Take him to the company municipal torture facilitation center.  Keep him there until the deck is returned."

          "NOOOOOOOO!" Weevil screamed.  "NOT THE COMPANY MUNICIPAL TORTURE FACILITATION CENTER!  ANYTHING BUT THE COMPANY MUNICIPAL TORTURE FACILITATION CENTER!  HAVE MERCY, PLEASE, PLEASE HAVE MERCY!"

          As the two guards dragged Weevil off, one of them kicked him.  "Ah, shut up you little maggot.  President Kaiba COULD have sent you to the company mandatory life removal center, and where would you be then?  Be happy you got off light."

          Mai raised an eyebrow.  " 'Company municipal torture facilitation center'?"

          Kaiba shrugged.  "What can I say?  It's really hard to be evil in this world of flowery corporate language.  Is there anything else, number four?"

          "No, sir.  That was the only lead we've gotten so far…" he stopped and noted the look in Kaiba's eyes.  "Is there something wrong, sir?"

          "Just thinking, number four, that desperate times call for desperate measures,"

          #4 gulped.  "Not… th-th-them?"

          "Yes, I think so."

          "But, sir, it's such a nice day, and I think we might have forgotten to feed them last week, and-"

          "No, my mind's made up.  It's time to put them on the job."

          Mai raised her hand.  "Who, praytell, are 'them'?"

          #4 had gone deathly white.  "The S.S.S.S.S.S."

          Kaiba kicked in a hidden drawer on his desk and took out two keys.  He gave one to #4, and headed off towards the elevators.  #4 reluctantly followed.  Mai shrugged, and took off behind them.

WHAT is the mysterious S.S.S.S.S.S?  WHEN will Mai get Kaiba alone for long enough to seduce him?  WHO will survive Bakura's stint as a Sales Executive?  Find out the answers to these questions and more… well, not NEXT chapter since it's about Yugi.  But the chapter after that, sure.  

!! 


	11. Interlude1: Bakura: Sales Executive

Interlude:  The Amazing Adventures of Bakura, Sales Executive.

          Bakura, looking pretty darn snappy in his professional business suit, prepared to go out into his new career.

          Unfortunately…

          ~_Bakura, this is stupid.~ _Evil Bakura thought.        

          _What?! YOU are the one we suggested we accept this job!_

_          ~I know… but honest work?  It goes against my principles!~_

_          You have principles?     _

_          ~Of course!  'If you want something, kill the owner in an insidious manner and take it.~_

_          … … … yep, that's you alright.  Listen, you want snack cakes, don't you?  You need money for those._

_          ~I've never needed it in the past.~_

_          I am NOT letting you kill any more convenience store owners!_

_          ~They weren't DEAD, they were just mindless, walking corpses whose souls have been forever banished to the Shadow Realm.~_

_          If it's possible, that is actually WORSE!  No, from now on we need to have money, and for that we need a job._

_          ~Bakura…  I think, that for the first time in your miserable existence, you may actually be right!~_

_          . . . thanks?_

_          ~I've been far too complacent, just sitting around and waiting for the keys to world domination to fall into my lap.  I need to seek them out, and to do that I need funding!  ONWARD, INTO THE WORLD OF COMMERCE!~  _Evil Bakura proclaimed.

          _That's the spirit!_

_          ~Oh, shut up.  You're a moron.~_

_          You know you love me._

_          ~I hate you!~_

_          No, you don't.  I'm too loveable._

_          ~Kid, I've encountered festering plagues I like more than you.  And that suit makes you look like a catholic schoolgirl.~_

_Aw, you just say that so nobody knows what a big softie you are!  Why, just yesterday didn't you bring home an injured puppy?  
         _Evil Bakura spiritually smirked.  _~You mean the one we had for dinner?~_

_          Oh, my god.  That... is…_

_          ~What?  It's just an animal, and I happen to think Chinese food tastes better with a little dog mixed in.~_

_          We ate ITALIAN last night!  Oh dear lord, I thought the sauce tasted funny…_

Evil Bakura chuckled.  _~Honestly Bakura, do you seriously think I'd eat dog?  That's demeaning!~_

_          Oh, thank god._

_          ~No, there was only dog in the food YOU ate.~_

_          I think I'm gonna be sick…_

_          ~Bakura, relax.  I'm joking.~  
         Oh, that's good. _

_          ~It was cat.~_

Bakura ran to the bathroom and threw up.  Twice.  Inside his Ring, Evil Bakura chuckled sadistically.  He had, in truth, not slipped anything unusual into Bakura's meal (at least not recently.  That one time, when he'd stuck a live Egyptian asp inside Bakura's submarine sandwich, now THAT had been funny).  He HAD brought a dog home, but he certainly wasn't going to kill it.  Animals were much more likable than people.  No, he had big plans for that dog, he had a hunch that with the proper training and a few years locked in a closet, he could condition it to attack Yami on sight.  The thought of the unpleasantly arrogant Pharaoh fighting for his life against a bloodthirsty beast never failed to make Evil Bakura grin.

After an hour or so of his Yami's taunting, Bakura gathered up his courage, forced down his disgust, and sallied forth into the exciting world of sales._  
         Where, oh where to begin?  My dear, this town is far larger than it looks, isn't it?  _

_          ~::Sigh::.  Do I have to do everything?  We go to the people who have the most material wealth, you indescribable dolt!~_

_          Ah, you always have the best ideas!_

Whistling happily, Bakura skipped along until he found a large, expensive looking household.  "Well, this looks like a nice place to begin!  Wow, just think, our first sale!"  Bakura climbed the stairs two at a time, and rang the doorbell.  

          A middle aged woman in expensive clothing answered the door.  "Yes?  How may I help you, young man?"

          "Why, hello, ma'am!  My name is Bakura, and I'm here to ask if you'd like to buy some quality merchandise from KaibaCorp.!"

          "Why no, thank you.  KaibaCorp. really doesn't-"

          "Why just look at our selection!  Here we have Mr. Kaiba's very latest, the new and improved Duel Disc!  How does it work, you ask?"

          "Actually, I didn't-"  

          "That's the beauty of it, you see, this device is so incredibly complicated that absolutely no one understands how it works!  You just put cards into slots on it, and more cards come out other slots!  In this manner, an entire duel just sort of happens! Only $10,000 for two!"

          "That's nice, but-"

          "But for the more old fashioned duelist, we also have this wonderful dueling arena!  Good for either one-on-one or two-on-two duels!  Technicians can be here in just a few days to uproot your yard and install one in your very own home!  Only $60,000!  What a bargain!  Buy now, and you get this free Yugi pincushion!"

          "That's wonderful, young man, but as I was trying to tell you, I don't really like Duel Monsters,"

          There was dead silence for about ten seconds.

          "You… don't like… Duel Monsters?" Bakura asked, thunderstruck.

          "No, not really," the lady replied.

          "… … are you sure you're in the right anime¢?  Maybe you'd feel more at home in Sailor Moon… and if you bought one of our fine KaibaCorp. holographic dueling products, you'd be the envy of the block once you got there!"

          "No, no thank you.  I really don't feel like spending that much money for a game I don't like, young man!" She said, and chuckled a little.

          _YAAAAAAAAAAAMIIIIIIIIII!  SHE'S NOT BUYING ANYTHIIIIIIIIING! _Bakura whined.

          _~Bakura, let me talk to her for a second.  I'll teach her not to spend her money on us!~_

_          Yami, don't kill her!_

_          ~Bakura, relax.  I won't kill her unless it's absolutely necessary.~_

The Millenium Ring glowed, and Evil Bakura emerged.  He grabbed the woman by the collar.  

          "Listen up you mortal dolt, if you people don't buy anything, I don't get paid!  You WILL buy as much as you can possibly afford, or I will utterly annihilate your very soul!  DO I MAKE MYSELF PERFECTLY CLEAR?!"  just to make his point, he drew on his Shadow powers to vaporize one of the bushes in the front yard.

          "Y-yes sir!  I'll buy!  I'll buy everything!"

          The woman bought three dueling arenas before Evil Bakura was satisfied.  The dark spirit smiled cruelly.  "Why, thank you miss.  And remember, if you tell anyone about how I… persuaded… you to make this purchase, I'll be back to collect a very unpleasant kill fee.  Have a nice day,"

          He left the woman, who immediately ran inside to hide in a closet.

          _~There!  You see, Bakura, you just have to be forceful with them!  They're humans, so they're too stupid to realize they want to buy from us unless you MAKE them realize it!~_

_          Wow, you really have a knack for this!  
_          _~Feh. Grave robbing, sales, what's the difference?~_

Evil Bakura went back into his soul room, and the budding salesman started heading off to his next victim.

 Before they got ten feet, however, a man opened the door and said, "Hey, kid!  What the hell did you do to my wife?!  She just ran inside and won't come out of the closet, and she keeps screaming about demon children!"

          "Well, sir, I'm sure I don't know.  Your delightful wife just bought three entire dueling arenas from me!  However, I must stress that she didn't buy any duel disc systems, so you won't be able to play duel monsters outside your house!  Are you interested in a few?  Just $5000 a piece!"

          "No, thank you.  I wonder why my wife bought duel monsters arenas?  She always hated that game just as much as I do…"

          Bakura's jaw dropped.  This was just plain absurd.  "You too?!  Alright, what the bloody hell is wrong with you people?!  Are you new here or something?  Duel Monsters is universally loved!  It's THE game!  How is it I run into the two people in the bloody world who don't like it?!"

          Evil Bakura popped out.  "Alright you freak, I have had enough of this psychotic family!  You WILL buy ten duel discs from me, and YOU WILL ENJOY IT!  Fail to obey and will destroy you and claim your soul for all eternity!"

          After thoroughly terrifying the man, and making $50,000 more dollars, Evil Bakura foully and evilly consumed the man's soul.

          _Yami!  You promised you wouldn't do that!_

_          ~No, I promised I wouldn't do that to his wife.  He was never part of the bargain.~_

 ::_Sigh_::_.  I suppose this is what I get for not being specific._

_          ~Oh, what's the problem anyhow?  It's not like I killed him or anything.~  
_          _No, but you might as well have!  He HAS NO SOUL!_

_          ~Well, it's not like he was using it for anything besides living his pointless and wasted mortal life.  Sort of like you, except taller and less of a wimp!~_

_          Well, I never!  I am NOT a wimp!_

_          ~Bakura, you're a tremendous wimp.  If it weren't for me, you'd be nothing!~_

_          If it weren't for YOU, I would actually be in sole possession of my own BODY!_

_          ~You weren't doing anything interesting with it until I came along.  And anyway, you're taking this all too seriously.  Look on the bright side!  We've already made $230,000, and I've only had to banish one soul to the shadow realm!  We've got nine more houses to do today, and at this rate we'll make over a million dollars and get me at least nine new souls!  What a bargain!~  _

The pair headed off to find their next wealthy victims.   God.  Help.  Us.  All.

_  
 _


	12. Chapter Eleven

Chapter 11

          Malik chuckled horribly as he read his spies' reports.  "Oh, this is too perfect!  Yugi and Kaiba, my two greatest opponents in Domino, have both been tremendously weakened!  I knew I was right when I sensed that the Puzzle's powers had weakened!  Soon I will…"

          "Finally bake us those cookies you keep promising us?" One of the Rare Hunters asked.

          "No!  I never promised you cookies!  I will…"

          "Order some nice drapes to spruce this place up a bit?"

          "NO!  I am EVIL!  I don't order DRAPES!  Now, as I was saying…"

          "You're going to knit us all mittens!  Oh, thankee-doodles, sir Malik!"

          "ABSOLUTELY NOT!" Malik roared.  "How many times do I have to tell you not to interrupt my evil plotting?!  Now what I was GOING to say is, I have to go to Domino and use my great powers to finally claim the Millenium Puzzle!"

          _The_ Rare Hunter (You know, the one whose only name is Rare Hunter) looked up.  "I could do it, because I have EXODIA!  Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe."  He laughed, a strange, low-pitched, rapid giggle.  "Oh, watch him obliterate!  EXODIA!  Hehehehehehehehehehehe."

          Pandora said, "And for my next trick, I will turn this common table into a walrus!"  

          Everyone looked at him expectantly.  

          "Um, could you all turn around?" he asked nervously.  When they had all done so, the Rare Hunter's resident magician ran off to get a walrus.

          The doorbell rang, and the Hunter who had interrupted Malik's rant went to get it, saying, "Oh, I just bet that's the brand new tea set I ordered!" A few of the others went off to see if they'd gotten anything in the mail.  Rare Hunter kept sitting in the corner babbling about Exodia.

          Malik sighed loudly.  "How is it, that I, the greatest evil the world has ever known, am reduced to this? It's so hard to find good minions nowadays…" He sighed again, then smirked evilly.  "Well, at least I found YOU again," he said to Bandit Keith, who was hanging upside down, bound and gagged, over a flaming pit of spikes.  "If I ever need an expendable dolt, I can use you!" his expression darkened.  "Unfortunately, I can use ALL of my servants, because they're all dolts!  No, I need to get out in the field myself!  Soon, I will go to Domino and DESTROY Yugi utterly, claiming… "

          The annoying hunter came back from the door.  "Oh, sir Maliiiiiiiiiik!  My tea set is here, but they need you to sign for it!  Would you mind?"

          "Absolutely NOT!  I am a great and audacious evil, I don't sign for tea sets!"

          "Well, all right, but in that case I'm going to have to throw out YOUR package…"

          "What?!  My porn shipment for the month is in?!  Oh, all right, I'll sign for the damn tea set."

          "Oh, thank-a-roonie, lord Malik!  And just in time, too, 'cause 'The Little Mermaid' is about to come on the ABC family movie!  Yippee!"

          "Well, as long as I get my porn," The irritated Egyptian grated out.

          "Actually, it's not here yet!  I just needed your signature!"

          Malik unhooked the knife from within the Millenium Rod.  "You are just begging for a Rod treatment, aren't you?" He growled.

          The hunter went back to the door.  "Oh, I'd just LOVE a 'rod treatment' from you, sir!" he gushed.

          Malik thought about that for a second.  

          "OH, THAT'S JUST DISGUSTING!" he protested, struggling not to vomit.

          After getting his lunch back under control, Malik turned to Keith.  "Um… what was I ranting about again?"

          Keith mumbled something.

          "Oh, thank you.  I shall DESTROY Yugi utterly, and claim the Pharaoh's powers as my own!  I shall rule the world in its entirety!  MWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

          "Indeed you shall, for you have me, and **I** have the UNSTOPPABLE EXODIA!  Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe." Rare Hunter proclaimed.

          Pandora finally got back, dragging a walrus.  "All right, you can… HEY!  You weren't supposed to turn around until I got back!"

          That familiar, irritating voice echoed down the halls.  "Oh, sir MALIIIIIIIK!  Could you PLEEEEEEEASE keep it down, we're trying to watch the movie!  Ariel is singing, and she has SUCH a lovely voice!  'Oh, I wanna be part of you world'…" He sang.

          Malik got the Rod's knife back out.  "All right, I shall conquer the world AFTER I 'fire' a few of the employees," he said as he set off to murder the hired help, a dark, evil fire in his eyes.

          A fire that went out when Isis entered the room, looking at him critically.  "Malik," she said calmly, "Have you been killing people again?"

          "Um… no?" Malik asked, praying she hadn't looked into the future to find out.  In all of the world, the only thing Malik was afraid of was his sister's wrath.  Even his Yami, who was even eviller than he was, was horribly afraid of Isis Ishtar.  They had even started thinking of the Millenium Items in terms of six instead of seven, understanding the only way they would get the Millenium Necklace off their sister was if she died of old age.

          "Malik, I see the future.  I know you're up to you're old black-market-card-stealing tricks, so I'm just here to warn you: stick to cards.  If you try to steal the Millenium Items again, I will make you sorry our mother ever gave birth to you.  And that goes double for your psychotic Yami!"

          Malik smiled ingratiatingly.  "I admit it.  I was prepared to once more follow the path of evil!  But you, my dear sister, have shown me the light!  I have changed my destiny for the better!  PRAISE THE LORD, FOR HE HAS SHOWN ME THE WAY!"  

          Isis looked doubtful, but she smiled a little.  "Well, know that we've got that all straightened out, I've really got to get going.  I've got a facial scheduled in an hour.  See you around!"

          Malik showed his sister to the door, keeping the knife hidden behind his back.  Before she left, she turned back and said, "And remember, brother dear: NO KILLING!"

          Once the door closed, Malik stalked off to the T.V. room.  He had an employee to gut, and then it was off to Domino.

                                                  ***


	13. Chapter Twelve

Chapter Twelve

          ~_No, no, no!  Yugi, that's not at all what you should have done in this situation!~_

Yugi sighed mentally.  He was in the middle of re-training himself to duel without Yami, and unfortunately Yami wasn't the most forgiving of coaches.  _Well then, what should I have done?_

_          ~Well, your opponent has just activated his trap card.  For this you go through the basic trap card posture.~_

Yugi thought for a second.  "Oh, no!" Yugi said, making his eyebrows quiver.  "That card has shattered my defenses!  I need to believe in the heart of the cards!"

          ~_Very good.  Now, draw Swords of Revealing Light.~  
_ _         Um… Yami?  There's a lot of cards in this deck, I can't just draw whatever one I want…_

_          ~BELIEVE IN THE HEART OF THE FREAKIN' CARDS!~_

_          Yami, it's not THAT important._

_          ~Yugi, you absolutely suck at dueling without me.  Yet, it is now the evening of the second to last day before our match with Pegasus, in which our lives depend on your ability to duel without me.  I'D SAY IT'S THAT GODDAMN IMPORTANT!~_

_          Point taken.  But shouldn't you be looking on the bright side?_

_          ~That's your department.  And in any case, WHAT bright side?!~_

_          Well, it can't get any worse._

The door slammed open, and none other than Rebecca Hawkins burst into the room with luggage.  

          "HI, YUGI!  IT'S MEEEEEEE!  REBECCA!  AND I BROUGHT TEDDY!  ISN'T HE CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTE!" Rebecca roared.

          For the first time since this affair had started, Yugi and Yami had the exact same thought: _It just got worse._

"Oh, hello Rebecca.  Hi.  How are you?" Yugi said in tones of forced cheerfulness.

          "I came to be in the big tournament that Kaiba was having, but he cancelled it!  So I called my grandpa, and he said I can move in with you for a whole entire month!"

          _~Oh, dear lord.  We're doomed.~_

_          S-she can't be serious!  A MONTH?!  This isn't a hotel!_

_          ~WAIT!  Yugi, we're going to die in a day and a half, so it doesn't matter how long she stays!~  
          You're right!  See, I knew you could look on the bright side._

          ~ _Shut up. ~_

"Um, are you sure you wanna stay here for a whole-"

          "OF COURSE!" Rebecca shouted, dropping her bags and spinning Teddy around in a circle. "Teddy and I are going to have lots of fun here! Right Teddy?" 

          "…"

          "Well, it's already almost midnight, so I'm going to kick you out of your room, and get some sleep! C'mon, Teddy!" Rebecca chirped, and skipped up the stairs.

          _Yami, I hope I'm not the only one who's terrified. She just… kicked us out of our room… and there's nothing we can do about it._

_          ~ I BET THIS IS A PLOT BY PEGASUS TO DISTRACT US!  Get back to training! Now, you still need to draw Swords of Revealing Light. ~_

Yugi placed his hand on his desk, mumbled half-heartedly about the heart of the cards, and drew Karibo.

          _~ No, no, no, NO! YOU SUCK! ~ _Yami shouted in their mind. 

          _I have a plan, Yami._

_          ~ And does it involve drawing Swords of Revealing Light? ~_

          _No…_

_          ~ Then I really don't care about it! ~_

_          Oh, you will when you hear it! We pack minimal luggage, get in a plane, and fly to Scotland._

_          ~ Scotland? ~_

_          Yes. There, we dive into the Loch Ness and hide out in one of Nessie's caves. I don't think even PEGASUS can find us there!_

_          ~ First class flight? ~_

_          Sure. Grandpa won't mind if I steal his wallet._

_          ~ Then I'm all for it. It's easier than drawing Swords of Revealing Light when you're short and a loser. ~_

_          You're not much taller that I am._

_          ~ But you're much more of a loser than I am. ~_

_          Are not._

_          ~ Are too. ~_

_          Are not. _

_          ~ Are too. ~_

          _Alright, can we argue once we get to Scotland?_

_          ~ Good plan. ~_

The "two" stealthily snuck in Yugi's room, packed his stuff without waking the now-snoring Rebecca, and tiptoed to the door. Then the grandfather clock chimed midnight.

          _~ YUGI! ~_

_          WHAT?!  
_          _~ We now have… have… ::sob:: only one day and five hours until the beginning of the end! ~_

_          Y'mean, Kaiba started his tournament at 5:00 a.m.?_

_          ~ He wanted to make us suffer. And he knows how much you like sleeping in. ~_

_          But Kaiba cancelled his tournament._

_          ~ I know THAT, but Pegasus didn't cancel his revenge! So, once 5:00 comes around, we can begin counting down until his revenge! ~_

_          Not if we're in Scotland! C'mon Yami, let's go learn to play bagpipes!_

_          ~ I bet it's less dangerous than Duel Monsters. Damn, who would've thought being good at a card game would force us to leave the country in the middle of the night? ~_

_          True, true._

Yugi put his hand on the door knob, and turned it… and ran directly into Malik. 

          "Uh…uh… hi!" Yugi squeaked.

          "Oh, Yugi," Malik sneered, "I hope I'm not inturrupting anything…"

          "Uh, of course not! Why are you at my house in the middle of the night?" Yugi squeaked.

          "Why do you THINK?"

          "Eep!"

          "HEY YUGI!" Rebecca shrieked, coming downstairs, "WHO'S THAT?"

          "… Rebecca this is Malik Malik this is Rebecca say hi to eachother for a couple of hours while I make it to the bus stop BYE!" Yugi then ran out the door, carrying his luggage.

          "WOW! Do you play DUEL MONSTERS?!" Rebecca asked.

          "Why do you care, little girl?" Malik asked, not particularly caring for a response.

          "Because I am REBECCA! Me and TEDDY are the American Champions! Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight, Teddy?"

          Malik smiled in an evil manner. "Would you like to play a game?"

          "YYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYY! Teddy's heard of you! Teddy's heard you're really good! Teddy wants you to know that he'd like to play against you! Teddy also wants you to know that he's heard of your card-stealing-soul-banishing act, and that if you try anything freaky there's a gun hidden inside Teddy and I'll bust a cap in your ass."

          "… have you ever considered becoming a Rare Hunter?"

          "Do I get paid."

          "As much as you can steal."

          "Deal."

          Malik and Rebecca shook hands. And Malik shook hands with Teddy.

          "Would you people keep it down?" A robed and slippered figure came out of what was apparently the bathroom. "Some people are trying to sleep…"

          "BAKURA?" Malik exclaimed, "What were you doing in Yugi's bathroom?"

          "Sleeping."

          "Oh, were you boys having a sleepover?"

          "No." Suddenly, Bakura's visage changed to his darker-eyed Yami. "Persist in asking questions, and it will cost you your soul!"

          Malik laughed. "Oh PLEASE Bakura, I can banish souls much better than you can."

          "Can not."

          "Can too."

          "Can not."

          "Can too."

          Rebecca at this point shrugged and went back to sleep.

          "I am the ultimate evil!"

          "Are not."

          "Are too."

          "Are not."

          "Let's settle this in a Shadow Game!" Malik declared.

          "Uhm, I've read ahead in episode guides," Yami Bakura said hesitantly, "and I know for a fact that if we duel you'll kick my arse into next week. So, instead, let's play a FIRST SEASON OF YUGIOH GAME™."

          "How does that work?"

          "Well, let's play the Silence Game. Whoever makes a sound first loses, and the winner gets to banish his soul to-"

"ANOTHER DIMENSION!" Malik blurted.

          "… what?"

          "Never mind."

          "… as I was saying, the winner banishes the loser's soul to the Shadow Realm, or can just maim him or torture him."

          "That sounds good."

          Both YuGiOh villains sat on Yugi's couch.

          "Begin… NOW!"

          _Yami, I want to go to sleeeeeeep… _Bakura whimpered.

          _~ Bakura, now is NOT the time to be complaining about a lack of sleep! ~_

_          But… but… first I had to spend the night in Yugi's BATHROOM, and now I have to sit through you defending your ego!_

_          ~ Bakura, could you rant just a little quieter? Or, even better, SHUT UP?! ~_

_          But I'm tiiiiiiiiiired… _

_          ~ If you shut up, I'll… I'll… I'll take you to Dairy Queen™ after we win. ~_

_          REALLY?! _

_          ~ Bakura, QUIT THINKING SO LOUD! ~_

_          Sorry! _Bakura began whispering conspiratorially. _So, how're ya gonna win this?_

_          ~ By having you shut up? ~_

_          Oh! Okay! … … … … … … zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…_

_          ~ BAKURA! ~_

_          What? I'm sleepy!_

_          ~ YOU'VE NEVER SNORED BEFORE IN YOUR LIFE! ~_

_          AH HA! So you finally admit it!_

_          ~ Oh shut up! ~_

_          Okay…_

Meanwhile:

          Yugi sat happily in his seat in first class.  He had his head phones on, and was listening to the in-flight movie while eating peanuts.  He felt slightly guilty about leaving his friends to die, but he was sure they wouldn't have liked being woken up.  

          Suddenly, the in-flight movie stopped, and a disturbingly familiar voice came over the headphones.  

          "So, Yugi-boy, going somewhere?"

          ~_You must be joking.~ _Yami thought.

          Pegasus turned around and waved at them from the pilot's seat.  They could feel the plane turning around to head back to Japan.

          "**HOW DOES HE DO THAT?!?!**" Yugi roared.

          ~_I should have known this wouldn't work.  Yugi, it's 5:00, we've only got twenty-four hours until the scheduled beginning of Kaiba's tournament!~_

_          Which means we've only got thirty hours to live.  That tournament was supposed to end at ten!_

_          -Sounds right to me, Yugi-boy,- _Pegasus thought.

          _Wh- hey!  Stop that!_

_          -Make me.-_

Sighing deeply, Yugi and Yami settled into their chair for the flight back to Domino.  For the second time that night, they shared the same thought: _We're doomed._

_          -Sounds right to me, Yugi-boy.-_

_  
 _


	14. Chapter Thirteen

Chapter 13

          Kaiba walked to a seemingly random wall in a hallway on the third floor and knocked on it three times.  After the third knock he said the password, " 'Yugi has finally won it all.' " The wall beeped and slid open.

          Mai arched an eyebrow at the choice of password.  Noticing, Kaiba turned to face her somberly.  "I notice you're a little confused.  You have to understand, this door was never, ever meant to be opened.  The ONLY reason I would open this door was if a crisis so tremendous occurred that I had absolutely no hope of survival.  This is a last ditch kamikaze attempt, a final shot at taking that bastard Yugi down with me,"

          "So you'd open this door if, what, Yugi launched a nuke at you?"

          "No, of course not.  I'm talking about if he beat me at cards really badly,"

          Mai blinked.  "… … … oh.  Okay.  So why would you open it now?"

          He shrugged.  "Desperate times call for desperate measures.  I've tried throwing money around shamelessly, and I've tried drinking until I'm a broken shadow of a human being.  The S.S.S.S.S.S is my last hope of ever retrieving my deck," 

          "But you still haven't told us exactly what this S.S.S.S.S.S actually is!" Bakura the KaibaCorp. sales executive reminded him.    

          Kaiba looked at him in awe.  "You weren't here during the last paragraph," he said in tones of disbelief.  

          Bakura shrugged.  "I told you, I'm really good at that sort of thing.  Now back to the matter at hand: what's behind this door?"

          Board member #4 shuddered.  "You'll find out when we get there.  Trust me, once you know, you'll wish you didn't.  Only the highest-ranking KaibaCorp. officials are told of this passage, and only President Kaiba can open it.  It's the darkest secret in the company history,"

          The four stepped into the passage.  In contrast to the comfortable, carpeted hallway, this was a dank, cold stone passage lined with torches.  Kaiba unhooked a torch from the wall and began leading the group down the passage.  As he took them downwards, he began speaking; "This passage was built by my grandfather, sixty years ago.  You see, he had lost his first game of chess ever, and he realized that the impossible might occur: he, a Kaiba, might LOSE at a game MORE THAN ONCE!  So he had this chamber constructed to ensure that if he did lose at chess again, he could damn well make the bastard who beat him pay for it. I first learned about it when I took over the company from my father, and this is the first time I've ever actually been down it.  Never had a reason to before, too dangerous.  The last time this chamber was opened over half the company's employees died trying to get the S.S.S.S.S.S back inside," 

          As they traveled on into the seemingly endless hall, a horrific screeching could be heard, so loud and piercing it shook the walls: "SHIRE!  BAGGINS!"

          Mai looked confused.  "What the hell was that?"  
          Kaiba shrugged.  "Oh, that was just Weevil.  The Company Municipal Torture Facilitation Center is on the other side of this wall; I guess the orcs are really in a bad mood today, the subjects usually don't scream this loud."

          Evil Bakura chuckled at the thought of torture and chaos, then stopped and looked thoughtful for a second.  He turned to Mai and mouthed 'Orcs?'. 

          Mai mouthed back 'Beats me,'  

          The group continued down the passage until they came upon a massive stone door, with two keyholes spaced ten meters apart.  Kaiba and #4 each took one of the keys, and inserted it into a keyhole.  Kaiba turned to #4 and said, "On the count of three.  One.  Two…"

          Mai turned to Evil Bakura, a worried expression on her face.  "Isn't this the security they use for nuclear missiles?"

          Evil Bakura frowned.  "How the hell should I know?  I'm from ancient Egypt, I don't even know what a nuclear whatever is."

          "Oh, come on… big bombs that destroy entire cities…"

          His eyes gleamed.  "Where do I get one?"

          "Never mind,"

          "THREE!" Kaiba shouted.  He and #4 turned the keys in unison.

          The door creaked open.

          Inside was pitch darkness, except for the glow of nine pairs of gleaming red eyes.  The eyes of the darkest and foulest KaibaCorp. agency, the S.S.S.S.S.S.

          Kaiba grinned at them maniacally.  "Yes, yes!  Come forth my chosen ones!  Arise, my great and powerful Super Sonic Seto Search and Smash Squad!"

          Silence.

          Evil Bakura fell to the floor laughing.  "THAT is what S.S.S.S.S.S stands for?!"

          Mai quirked an eyebrow, and looked like she was struggling not to laugh.  "I must admit, I was expecting something a little less… stupid."

          Kaiba dropped out of drama mode, long enough to glare angrily at the bystanders, then turned back to the S.S.S.S.S.S.  "Know, my greatest minions, that the worst has occurred!  A Kaiba, your master, has been robbed of his means of gaming!  Ye must go forth know, for the first time in many years, and seek it out!  Find my deck!  NOW RIDE!  RIIIIIIIIIIIIDE!  MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

          The nine members of the S.S.S.S.S.S rode forth.  On horses.  Nine black, cloaked figures.  On black horses.  (If you haven't figured out the joke here, you're just stupid).  

          #4 looked horrified.  "T-the Nine again ride forth from Minas KaibaCorp.!"

          Kaiba looked evilly satisfied.  "They will find the Deck. And kill the one who carries it."

                                                  ***

          Kaiba went up to his Office.  Not his office, where he'd been staying while he was drunk and despondent.  His Office.  The office was where he went to deal with company business.  The Office, however, was where he went to be evil.  It was twice the size of the office, one the absolute top floor of the building, and featured a wall that was just one big window.  Despite this, it still managed to be the darkest room in the building, and the desk was perfectly positioned so Kaiba could sit in a chair and stare out the window/wall sinisterly and swivel around to glare at anyone who entered the room.  It was by far the most evil room in the building.

          Kaiba sat in his chair, staring out the window sinisterly, just thinking of the horrible retribution the fabled S.S.S.S.S.S was wreaking right now on the bastard who had stolen his deck.  

          Mai and Bakura sat on a couch against the far wall, both horribly bored.  They had already waited two hours for the S.S.S.S.S.S to return, and it was already 6:00 A.M. In all the excitement, they had somehow stayed up all night.  But from the looks of it, they wouldn't be up much longer.  They really didn't have anything to do with each other; they'd played about fifty games of duel monsters, and tried to get the answers to a few nagging questions out of Kaiba…

FLASHBACK:

Bakura:  Sir, I thought you were adopted.

Kaiba:  I am.  Why?

Bakura:  Well, if you're adopted, and the S.S.S.S.S.S were created sixty years ago, why were they named after you? 

Kaiba:  Oh, everyone in the history of my family has been named Seto Kaiba, going back 5000 years to Ancient Egypt.

Mai:  Really?  Why isn't Mokuba named that?

Kaiba:  Oh, Mokuba's adopted.

(Silence)

Mai:  But… aren't you adopted?

Kaiba:  Yes.  

Mai:  Then why is your name Seto Kaiba, when Mokuba is named Mokuba?

Kaiba:  Well, you see, Mokuba's adopted.

  
Bakura:  Okay, let me try to rephrase this.  What was your name before you were adopted?

Kaiba:  Seto Kaiba.

Bakura:  No, that would be your name AFTER you were adopted into the Kaiba family.  What is your name BEFORE you were adopted?

Kaiba:  I've always been named Seto Kaiba.

Mai:… … … … … … … huh?

Kaiba:  Well you see, I'm actually a member of the Kaiba family by blood.  I was purposefully abandoned at birth to toughen me up, then re-adopted.  Mokuba, however, is purely adopted.  I kinda took a liking to him, like a stray dog or something.

Bakura:  You have a twisted family.

Kaiba:  What?  Aren't all first-born sons abandoned at birth and left as orphans until they can work their way back into the family?

Mai:  Not typically, no.

Kaiba:  Damn, I knew mom was lying to me!  I should have fired her and left her out on the streets with dad to live in a cardboard box and beg for food like animals… oh, never mind.  I DID do that.  Silly me.

(Silence)

Bakura and Mai:  … … … (Take several steps backward from Kaiba)

Kaiba:  What?

END FLASHBACK   

          Needless to say, any attempts at conversation died out around this point.

          Suddenly, the clacking of hooves could be heard outside the door.  Kaiba swirled his chair around as the S.S.S.S.S.S burst through the door, carrying…

          "JOEY?!  No, there is absolutely no way that YOU could have breached my security, it's just not possible… I'm so ashamed…"

          The lead S.S.S.S.S.S member held up Joey's deck, complete with the Red Eyes Black Dragon.  "Dragon…" it hissed.

          Kaiba sighed, partially unhappy at the false alarm, but also a little relieved that his perfect security hadn't been breached by Joey.  "Sorry guys.  Right idea, wrong color scheme.  We're looking for Blue Eyes White, not Red Eyes Black.  Now get rid of him and get back to the search!"

          The S.S.S.S.S.S commander shrugged, made a horrible screeching noise, and threw Joey out the window.  

          "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!  OUCH!" Joey shouted.  "HEY, KAIBA!  I FELL A LONG WAY, BUT I'M OKAY!  WELL, I THINK MY LEG IS BROKEN… ARRRRGH!  YEP, IT'S BROKEN!  SO I CAN'T WALK!  BUT THAT'S OKAY, 'CAUSE  I STILL GOT MY RED-EYES BLACK DREEGEN!  AND I CAN STILL TALK!  HEEEEY, MAYBE I CAN SING, TOO!  HERE, I'LL GIVE IT A TRY!  OH IIIIIIIIIIIIT'S A SMAAAALL WOOOOOOORLD AAAAAAAAAAAAFTER ALL…"

One hour later…

          "AND BINGOOOOOOOO WAS HIS NAAAAAAAAAMEOOOOOO!" Joey sang.  He then burst into his rendition of 'This is the song that doesn't end.'

          Kaiba rubbed his temples.  "Good god, you'd think somebody would have put him out of his misery by now…" Mai had gone to find a hotel, and Bakura went on to the next chapter.

          At that point the S.S.S.S.S.S. burst back into the room with another victim.  This time it was…

          "TRISTAN?!  But… he doesn't have it!  Why'd you bring him here?"

          The S.S.S.S.S.S leader pointed at Tristan and said, "Sssssssstupid…"

          The wind blew outside.

"YOU @#^%(*@#^ MORONS!  I REALIZE HE'S (%&(#$*&#^ STUPID, BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT I ASKED YOU TO FIND!  NOW GET RID OF HIM AND FIND MY #@(%*&% DECK!"

          The S.S.S.S.S.S threw Tristan out the hole in the window Joey had left, and galloped off to find their next victim.

          "HEY!  KAIBA!" Joey screamed.  "TRISTAN JUST LANDED ON ME, BUT I'M OKAY!  HE'S UNCONCIOUS THOUGH… SO I THINK I'LL SING 'MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB!'  MAAAAAAAAARY HAAAAAD A LIIIIIITLE LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMB!"  
          Kaiba buried his head in his arms. 

                                                            ***

          At Domino Airport, Yugi checked his watch.  8:00 AM.  Just twenty-one hours until his demise… 

          Suddenly, nine black-cloaked figures riding horses burst into the terminal, grabbed him, and rode off.

                                                            ***

          Kaiba looked up in hope as the S.S.S.S.S.S rode back into his Office, but this time they'd managed to snare Yugi. 

          "Well, boys?  What genius excuse do we have this time?  Hm?"

          They pointed to Yugi's hair.  "Sssssssspiky…" the leader hissed.  He then screeched.  His horse whinnied.  

          Kaiba sighed.  "Wrong again.  Now, why don't you let Yugi go, then head out and fail again, okay?"

          They dropped Yugi on the floor and rode back off into the city.

          Kaiba looked down at his rival.  "Sorry about that, Yugi.  You see, they're idiots.  I'm sure you'd like to leave, but only one of the elevators leads down to the main lobby, so be sure to take that one,"

          "Um… okay… but where does the other one lead?" Yugi asked, horribly confused by the whole affair. 

          "Oh, that one leads to the Company Municipal Torture Facilitation Center.  The orcs can be pretty mean, so if you end up there, you'll want to hit the emergency button on the elevator controls, and it'll open a hidden passage on the back of the elevator that leads into the old building, the sections we abandoned and built over when we renovated.  Don't worry though, you just keep turning left and eventually you'll find a door that leads into the main lobby.  Unless of course you run into one of the rats…"

          "W-what's so bad about the rats?"

          "Nothing, if you like flesh-eating mutant vermin the size of a large dog.  We just boarded up those old sections, and before we knew it the rats had taken them over.  We've tried to exterminate them, but ever since they've developed that darn immunity to automatic weapons, all we can really do is keep their numbers down with flamethrowers and rocket launchers.  I just wish we could get government clearance to detonate a mini-nuke and wipe them out for good…"

          "… that's some rat problem you got there…"

          "Yeah, that it is.  If you run into one, just remember they corner poorly and have a very limited memory.  If you can turn a corner and get out of their sight before they kill you, they'll probably forget you were ever there.  Unless, of course, they're hunting in packs.  As a sort of side effect of their exposure to some of the chemicals down there (don't worry about those, they've dissipated by now) the rats get smarter the more of them there are together.  I think a group of seven has a communal I.Q. of 200.  If you really get into a tight spot, you can probably grab a pipe from the old plumbing system and club one of them with it, stun it for a few seconds.  Well, bye Yugi!"

          "K-Kaiba?  Do I have to go?  I'm scared to go down…"

          Kaiba got out of his chair and pushed Yugi into the hall.  "Oh, grow up you sissy.  You'll be fine as long as you take the right elevator, and otherwise… well, you've been a good rival.  Bye!" He slammed the door and locked it.  

          "Okay, okay, okay, just take the right elevator, the right… elevator…" Yugi turned and started beating his fists on the door.  "KAIBA!  WHEN YOU SAY 'RIGHT ELEVATOR', DO YOU MEAN 'THE ELEVATOR ON THE RIGHT', OR 'THE CORRECT ELEVATOR'?!?!?!"

          No answer.  

          Yugi turned to look at the two identical elevators, one on the right side of the hall, and one on the left.

          He just stared for a few seconds, totally silent.  

          "Oh, dear." He finally said.


	15. Chapter Fourteen

Chapter 14

          In the KaibaCorp. main lobby, the clock rang chiming 2:00 in the afternoon.  Suddenly, the wall started moving.  A section of it burst out, revealed to be a hidden door, and Yugi, broken, bruised, and bleeding, popped out of it.  Attached to his leg and trying to drag him back in was a rat the size of a doberman pinscher.  He was frantically beating it with a rusty length of pipe, screaming "BACK!  BACK FOUL BEAST!  BACK TO THE PIT THAT SPAWNED THEE!" Finally managing to get it off his leg, he frantically pushed on the heavy secret door, shoving it closed on the second rat that was coming up right behind the one he'd just fought off.

          Exhausted, Yugi collapsed to the ground.  He'd never been so happy to be in the KaibaCorp. lobby before.  The receptionist looked impressed that he was still alive.  

          The S.S.S.S.S.S galloped by, dragging a loudly protesting Rex Raptor.

          Yugi started for the door, using the pipe as a walking stick.  He really wanted a nap.

                                                  ***

          Yugi hobbled in the front door of the game shop, fully prepared to finally go to sleep after a very long, strenuous day.  

          When he walked in, Malik and Evil Bakura were sitting across from each other, staring into space and not making the slightest noise.  Neither one of them was blinking, and neither appeared to breathe.  Yugi turned to Rebecca, who was wearing his bathrobe and his slippers (At 2:00 in the afternoon) and watching T.V. 

          "Um… Rebecca… what exactly are they doing?"

          "Them?  I have no idea.  They had a big conversation after you left, and they haven't made a sound since then.  Something about the first season of Yu-Gi-Oh?"

~_Ah, of course!  I remember playing this game!~  
Really?  I don't remember it…_

~Well, that was back when you didn't remember anything I did, and I was rather brutally violent and pretty much killed anyone who lost a game to me.  Ah, those were the days… too bad they never aired in the U.S…~

_Okay… so what are they doing?_

_~Well… and this is NOT one of my better ideas… you basically sit and stare at the opponent, and the first person to make a noise loses.  I originally came up with it to play with a psychotic karaoke singer…~_

_… … … … … … Y'know, I'm sort of glad I don't remember much of that season.  Now, can we go to bed?_

_~No!  If we have to duel Pegasus, then you have to train!  Now get to work, you slacker!~_

_Yami, for the last time, you cannot train for a card game!_

_~… … FINE.  I'll just have to take matters into my own hands.~ _Yami thought.  Taking control of their shared body, he stalked to the kitchen, opened the refrigerator, and removed a very familiar bottle:

Uncle Bob's Pure Grain Alcohol 

**Since 1860**

**WARNING: Not intended for use as a beverage**

_YAMI!  What are you DOING?!  I'm not old enough to drink!  _

_~No, but I am.  I have less than a day to live, and I would like to spend that time in a drunken stupor, thank you very much.~_

_But… but… but… **I **wouldn't!!!!!_

_~Tough, kid.~  _Yami thought coldly, and slugged down the bottle.  He reached into the fridge for another.

                                        ***

Tea Gardner poked her head into the game shop entrance.  "Hellooooo?  Yugi?  You in here?"  she asked, looking around.  She hadn't seen Yugi in days, and she was getting a little worried about the poor kid.  Knowledge of impending doom could be quite a burden on a high schooler.  And besides, ever since Joey and Tristan had been hospitalized (They fell off a building or something) she had absolutely nobody to talk to.

The first thing she saw was (obviously) Evil Bakura and Malik Ishtar engaged in some sort of strange staring contest.  The second was Rebecca Hawkins curled up on the couch like she owned it.  

The third was Yugi slouched on the floor in the kitchen next to a massive pile of empty bottles.

"OH MY GOD!  Yugi, what are you DOING?!  You're WAAAAAAAY to young to be drinking!"

"::hic::!  Oh, hi Tea.  You see, I wasn't drinking, it was this guy here." Yugi said, pointing at himself.

"Oh.  Yami, huh?"

"Wow, you sure are ::hic:: smart.  And pretty, too.  Have I ever told you you're my favoritest person in the whole world?  More than Joey, and Tristan, and Grandpa, and Kaiba, and the Mailman, and the Butcher, and…"

Tea, seeing no other options, pulled back her hand and smacked Yugi in the face with all the force she could muster.

Yugi said, "Thanks.  I needed that.  Now, where was I?  Oh yeah.  Yami…" he dropped his voice to a conspiratorial whisper, "Is DRUNK.  He passed out in the soul room a few minutes ago.  I think the soul room is ::hic:: really funny!  I mean really, a soul isn't something you can just pick up and move, like oh, a duck, but I've got a room to put it in, just the same, isn't that funny?! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…"

::SMACK!::

"Thanks, I needed that.  Y'see, Yami is really despondent, 'cause we've got about, oh, what time is it?" Yugi turned to look at a chair.  "fifty o'clock?  Well we've got not a lot of ::hic:: time.  So he wants to get drunk for it."  Yugi began crying helplessly.  "WHY, TEA?!  WHY ME?!  WHAT DID I EVER DO TO DESERVE THIS SITUATION?!  I HATE MY LIFE!  I JUST…"

::SMACK!::

"Thanks, I needed that.  So, anyhoo, Tea, ol' buddy ol' pal, I ::hic:: have got not a whole lot of time left.  When I DIE tomorrow, I want you…" he pointed to the air a foot to Tea's left, "… to get out.  Escape.  Skedaddle.  All three of you."

"You mean me, Joey, and Tristan?"

"No, I don't care what happens to them.  I mean all three of you Teas… wait, there's five of you!  No, seven!    AHHHHHHH!  THERE'S AN ARMY OF TEA!  SHE'S MULTIPLYING!  HAAAAAAAAAALP!  HAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL…"

::SMACK!::

"Thanks, I needed that.  Anyway, you ::hic:: take all the money you need from my grandpa, and go somewhere safe, like Mars.  I just want to make sure that, when I'm gone my true love will be safe…"

_Oh… oh my god!  Yugi is finally admitting his love for me!  And just as he's about to go off to face his doom!  This is so romantic, just like a fairy tale!  I… I'm so happy!  We're all going to probably die to tomorrow, and yet my heart feels like it's flying!  I love you, Yugi!  _Tea thought, her eyes sparkling and a content smile on her face.  She looked positively angelic.  "Yugi, I…" she began.

"… so be sure that when you leave, take Laryssa Colimina with you." Yugi finished.

Tea saw her hopes and dreams crumple into a ball and die in a blazing inferno.

"L-laryssa Colimina?  The exchange student?"

"Yeah ::hic::.  I know we just met, but there's this chemistry… I just know she's the one.  She's the only girl I've ever really enjoyed spending time with… except for you, my good friend Tea!"

The word 'friend' echoed over and over in Tea's mind, like a chorus.  It mocked her feelings, and stomped all over the shards of her broken heart.

          "Yeah.  Sure.  Whatever." Tea said.  She then burst into tears and ran out the door crying. 

          Yugi blinked.  "Now what ::hic:: was that all about?  Ooooooh, the world is so pretty when it spins…"  

          Then Yugi passed out.  

                                                            ***

          Yugi woke up on the kitchen floor with a tremendous migraine.  

          _Ow… that's the last time I let the ancient spirit who shares my body go on a drinking binge…_

_          ~Yes, Yugi, it is.  It's the very last time.~  _Yami thought in a dull, dead sort of voice.  

          _Huh?_

_          ~Yugi, look at the clock.~_

Yugi, filled with dread, looked at the clock set on the wall.  It was digital, and very bright, so he didn't even need to strain his fuzzy vision to see the time:

          5:00 A.M.

          He had exactly five hours to live.

          _Uh-oh._

                                                            ***

          Far, far away from Yugi and his troubles, at about the time he reached his first bottle of liquor, in the land of Egypt, Isis Ishtar stepped into the lair of her younger brother and his band of evil card thieves.  "Malik?  Malik!"  she shouted.  "You home?  I went shopping, and got some of those bagels you like… y'know, the cinnamon ones?  I figured you deserved a treat for not killing… anyone… recently… what's that smell?", she asked coldly, her nose picking up the distinct odor of rot.  

          Isis stormed through the hideouts rooms, opening every door and looking in every crevice in the search for the source of the odor.  She found it in the closet of the T.V. room, in the form of the Rare Hunter who'd been ticking Malik off earlier.  He was not a pretty sight, and I see no reason to go into details.

          _Oh, that little jerk!  I KNEW it!  I just KNEW he was off killing people again, ruining the family name MORE as if he hasn't already done enough in that regard!  Why I bet right now he's off trying to steal Millenium items or kill Yami or something evil!  I TOLD that little bastard to stick to cards, and I meant it!  He is DEAD!  _**_DEAD_**_! _She thought emphatically.  _Okay, okay, calm down Isis!  Just calm down.  You're the regal, elegant, dignified female on the show, leave the ranting and shouting to Mai and Tea.  Just calm down… count to ten, that's what you're supposed to do when you get angry, isn't it?_

"One.  Two.  Three.  Four.  Five." She counted.  So far, so good.  "Six.  Seven." She thought about her insane, evil little brother.  "EIGHT." She thought about him out killing people and plundering the keys to world domination.  "**NINE**." She thought about him out killing people and plundering the keys to world domination AGAINST HER SPECIFIC ORDERS.  "**_TEN_**!  **_MALIK, YOU'RE A DEAD MAN_**!"  Isis roared to the empty lair.  

          She sprinted to the entrance and slammed it shut behind her.  She had to get to Domino.


	16. Interlude2: What Evil Really Thinks Abou...

Interlude 2:  The Silence Game! _Or _ What Evil really thinks about if it sits still too long…

   (Note: This interlude takes place in between the time of Yugi passing out and the time of his re-awakening)

            The two forces of tremendous evil stared at each other viciously.  Not a sound had been made by either one in many, many hours.  Evil Bakura had a look of intense fury on his face, Malik an arrogant sneer.  As far as any observer could have told, they might has well have been made of wax.  

            On the outside.

            On the inside…

Malik:

            _~Oh yeah, we're evil!~ _

_We are SO evil, even I'm afraid of us!_

_~How evil are we?~_

_We're the evillest pair of bastards this show has ever seen!_

_~What are we?!~_

_EVIL!  
~YEAH!~_

_We ROCK!_

_~And we're evil while we do it!~_

_You can say that again!  
~So, what do you think of that Tea chick?~_

_… … … … … … What?  Where'd that come from?_

_~Well, we've been here awhile, and I just started thinking, that's all.~_

_            Um… I don't think about her that much, to tell the truth._

_            ~Would you jam her?~_

_            WHAT?!_

_            ~Would you jam her?~_

_            I… you… I… you… WHAT KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT?!_

_            ~Aw, c'mon, don't tell you've never noticed.  That face, that body, that frilly thing she wears…~  
         Yami, you're starting to freak me out here.  Could we not talk about this?_

(Mental silence)

            _~**I'd **jam her.~ _

_            I believe that qualifies as something I really didn't want to know.  _

Bakura:

            _Yaaaaaaami!  I'm bored!_

_            ~You've been bored since we started!  Now cease this incessant thinking so I can claim victory!~_

_            But this is a stupid game!  Why can't you just play duel monsters like normal _(?) _people?_

_            ~You want to know, here!~  _(Boots up Soul Room computer, signs on to net).  

            _Hmmmm… Bakura and Malik have a Shadow Game… Malik wins… and OH BLOODY HELL!  I see why you don't want to play a real game with him now…_

_            ~As you can maybe tell, I'd really rather not die anytime soon.~_

_            But hey, Yami, there's tons of other stuff here about us!  Look at all the FanFictions we have!  Here's one… oh.  Oh my._

_            ~What?  What is it?~  _(Reads FanFic description.)  _~Oh, now that is just horribly, disgustingly WRONG on more levels than I can count.~_

_            Why Yami, I didn't know you liked me that much, but right there in the matchups it says Ryou/Bakura!  _

_            ~THIS IS JUST SICK!~  _(Spiritually looking through the list.)  _~Ryou/Bakura, Bakura/Ryou, Bakura/… … YAMI?!  What in the name of Ra almighty are these demented freaks thinking?!  Where are the all the stories like 'Bakura gathers the Millenium items, horribly murders Yami, and conquers the universe.'?  Where are the matches that say Bakura/Any woman he desires in the world?  WHERE'S ALL THE FUN?!?~_

_            Look at this one.  'Bakura tortures Ryou.  Then they have sex.'  I say, maybe these people should get glasses or something, if they can't see that I would never stoop that low._

_            ~YOU?!  WHAT ABOUT ME?!  As if I would EVER engage in any sort of relationship with you even if I WAS gay!  The only thing I feel towards you is searing hatred!~_

_            Oh, this ones a bit better.  'Bakura commits suicide because he feels he's not good enough for Ryou'.  Sounds good to me!  It's nice to now SOMEBODY caught the essence of our relationship. _

_            ~HA!  ME, a great and powerful spirit of destruction, not good enough for YOU, an ugly, awkward, unlikable British twit?  Surely, that story is under the humor category.~_

Malik:

            _Would you shut up already?!_

_            ~Okay, so no Tea.  What about that Mai chick?  Don't tell me you haven't noticed that fine piece of ass!~_

_            God, when did you get so perverted?_

_            ~Come ON, she wears a freakin' corset, and not much else!  I could ride that for HOURS!~_

_            Oh, this is just getting disturbing now._

_            ~Would you jam **her**?  Be honest!~_

_            Alright, yes!  NOW will you shut up!_

_            ~**I'd **jam her.~_

_            I think we got that part!_

(Mental Silence)

            _~ How about that Isis?~_

_            WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?_

Bakura:

            _~Obviously, these people have NO idea what true literature is about.~  _(Boots up psychic word processor.)  _~Now, to begin my OWN story about the wonder that is myself.  Title:  Yami Bakura Rules the Universe.  Summary:  Bakura finally rids himself of the worthless parasite Ryou, and with his true wrath unleashed is able to quickly claim the Millenium items and bring swift death to their owners.  He then conquers all the universe, and women and material possessions flow to him like the waters of the Nile.  Matchups:  Bakura/any woman he desires.  Category:  Hmmmmm… I think 'the greatest work of all time' fits it pretty well…~_

_            Oh, you're writing one too?  Here, look at mine…_

(The following is an excerpt from an original work by Bakura.  Not Evil Bakura.  Bakura.)

            Bakura sheathed his monstrous broadsword and gazed about the bloodstained sands.  Twenty thousand warriors lay, slain by his unbelievable military skill.  The sun glinted off his humongous muscles and the steel of the three thousand pound armor he wore as though it were mere cotton.  His unworthy Yami bowed at his feet and kissed his boots.  

            "Oh, wow, Bakura, I wish I were you!  Then I'd be a handsome, powerful, BRITISH man instead of some puny, weak, annoying spirit!" Evil Bakura whined.  He whined all the time.  Sometimes Bakura wondered if he could make any other tone of voice.  

            Bakura kicked his Yami.  "Silence, dog!  You know full well that a dolt like you could never be as all around cool as me.  Now go and beat your head against a wall until you lose these foolish ideas!"  The weak, cowardly spirit ran off to obey his unquestioned ruler and lord of his very existence.

            From behind Bakura the Mighty, a seductive voice said,  "Oh great Bakuraaaaaaaa… your little sphinx needs some attention!"

            Bakura turned to see an oasis, and in the oasis a bed.  And in the bed, Isis Ishtar posed alluringly.  Behind her, a line of women awaiting their own turn with Bakura stretched as far as the eye could see.  

            Smiling, the Strongest Man in the Universe went to claim the spoils of his victory.

  
(End excerpt)

            _Do you like it?  I call it 'Bakura's Story.'  Of course, this is barely anything, there's about six hundred pages written so far.  I'm going to categorize it as a 'historical epic', although some things are slightly exaggerated.  In the story, I said I was born in London, when I was ACTUALLY born in Liverpool… but other than that, it seems quite faithful to the truth, don't you think?_

_            ~WHY… YOU… LITTLE…~_

Malik:

            _~Well?  What do you think?~_

_            I THINK SHE'S MY SISTER!  _

_            ~Hey, she ain't MY sister.~_

_            YES SHE IS!  YOU'RE  _**ME**_!_

_            ~Only technically.~_

_            'Technically' in the manner of 'I am not going to let my body have sex with my sister, no matter who's piloting it'!  Now could you please just drop this disgusting subject!_

_            ~… … … I'd jam her.~_

(Mental silence as Malik pictures himself, taller and eviller, having sex with his own sister)

            _DIE, YOU DEMENTED **FREAK**!  _

(Mental homicide attempt in progress)

Bakura:

            _~Ah, there we go!  The first chapter is complete in my literary masterpiece.  Read, mortal dolt, and know full well that your puny work shall be shamed beyond the telling of it!~_

(The following is an excerpt of an original work by Evil Bakura.)

            The wind howled.  

            Thunder crashed in the skies, illuminating a world in ruins.  Thousands of people wandered the ruins of the devastated cities, blank shocked looks on their faces.  They were all mumbling something, and all of them faced in the same direction. 

            They all stared to a palace, a building massive and terrible.  Constructed in the fashion of the ancient pharoahs, but with a distinctively sinister feel to it.  Also, it was far, far larger, easily the biggest object ever constructed.  It could be seen by the naked eye from hundreds of miles away.  The palace of their god.

            They were all mumbling, without their knowledge for their minds had been long ago destroyed, "All hail Evil Bakura, all-powerful lord of creation."

            Inside this palace, Evil Bakura lounged on a pile of silk pillows while his harem girls (Of whom all 80 bore shocking resemblances to Mai, Tea, and Isis, but certainly weren't them because those girls were all very irritating) massaged him.  The seven Millenium Items were in a pile off to the side, he didn't really wear them anymore ever since he'd completely enslaved the minds of everyone on the planet after obliterating all their major cities in a war of conquest the likes of which the world had never known.  He sipped wine from a solid gold cup engraved with his face, and ate another grape from the bowl near his hand.  The gods of Egypt performed acrobatics for his amusement.

            Bakura, who was chained and gagged, hung upside down over a flaming pit of spikes.  Just for fun, Evil Bakura pressed the button that caused his former host's chains to be electrified.  He smirked evilly as the annoying British twit writhed in pain.  He then turned to his door guard (who bore a shocking resemblance to Kaiba) and said "I'm bored!  Bring in the special entertainment!"  

            The guard smirked evilly, left, and returned with Yami.

            "B-Bakura!  Your evil will not continue forever!  I will defeat you eventually!  You will pay for your crimes!"  The obviously battered pharaoh shouted stupidly.

            Evil Bakura laughed coldly, and snapped his fingers.  To make a long story short, seven large, powerful men walked into the room and just brutally and mercilessly pounded Yami for a solid half-hour.

Malik:  

            Yami Malik dusted off his spiritual hands and looked down at his soundly spiritually pummeled soulmate.  

            _~And take that, ya little pussy!  What, you think some spoiled brat Egyptian twerp is gonna be able to take ME on?!  I'm the real evil in this little partnership, and don't you forget it, bitch!~_

_            Ow… all right… we'll call this one a draw… have you seen my mental teeth anywhere?  I think I lost one._

_            ~A draw?  Don't flatter yourself, boy.  I whooped your sorry ass into next week!~_

_            I'd have won if you hadn't CHEATED!_

_            ~How exactly did I cheat?~_

_            … … … …_

_            ~_(Spiritually smiling sadistically)_ Weeeeeeeeeeell?~_

_            You fought back…_

_            ~See?  I'm the star of this show!  You are the awkward guy off to the side who plays the drums and laughs when I tell a joke.  The difference between us is the difference between a huge, powerful, violent dragon, raging across the land like a hurricane… and a small, fluffy bunny.  The bunny might bite you sometimes, because frankly bunnies aren't the most personable of animals.  But the dragon will tear you to shreds, eat you, and burn down your house.  You, bunny.  Me, dragon.~_

_            Alright already.  I get it.  You can shut up any time now.  _(Mentally slipping mental brass knuckles onto hand hidden behind back)

            _~Just making sure it gets through to you.  I know you're not the brightest guy in the world, and you might try something stupid, like slipping on some brass knuckles that you had hidden and cracking me in the face while I explain how cool I am…~_

::CRACK!::  (In case you were wondering, that's the mental sound of mental brass knuckles smashing into a mental jaw.)

            _Gee, whatever gave you that idea?  Oh wait, I remember.  YOU WANTED TO SCREW **OUR SISTER!**  _(Spiritual homicide attempt in progress.)

Bakura:

            _That wasn't at all true!_

_            ~Oh, and yours was, 'Strongest man in the universe'?  You couldn't LIFT a sword, much less kill someone with it.~_

(Spiritually typing) _I think I'd better give you a few more scenes… 'And then evil Bakura turned to his one true love, Yami…'_

_            ~_(Spiritually typing) _Oh, you're going to suffer for that one.  'And then Bakura was tossed into the pit of rabid gerbils…~_

Malik:

            _DIE!_

_            ~YOU FIRST!~_

Bakura:

            The two silver-haired soulmates glared at each other across their soul room, their fingers poised over the buttons that would post their stories.

            _Don't you dare!  I refuse to let that story see the light of day!_

_            ~You?!  What about me?!  If yours gets out, I'll never live it down!~_

_            Alright, alright… I won't post mine if you don't post yours._

_            ~I don't trust you!  Delete your story!~_

_            NO!  If I delete it I won't have anything to stop you from posting yours!  You delete yours first!_

_            ~Right.  You're at least partially me; you're devious enough to try and trick me into deleting my story, ALL SO YOU CAN HUMILIATE ME!~_

_            I'm not trying to trick you! _

_            ~Yeah, right!  I know you hate me, just for taking over your body and making you kill people and betray your friends!  You'd do anything to get back at me!~_

_            Okay, we'll delete them at the same time!  _

_            ~Fine!~_

(Neither moves)

            _… … … You first._

_            ~Not a chance.~_

Malik:

            Malik and his Yami lay on the floor, spiritually battered, bruised, and panting.

            _So… you… give… up?_

_            ~HA! Ouch… I'll never surrender!  I'm obviously in charge here… oh, my head…~_

_            Um… Yami?_

_            ~Yeah?~_

_            I can't move._

_            ~I know.  I can't either.~_

_            I wonder if you can have spiritual spinal damage…_

_            ~We should really try to look on the bright side here.  That was one hell of a brawl, and it just goes to show how evil we are!~_

_            Yeah!  Good point!  _

_            ~Oh yeah, we're evil!~ _

_We are SO evil, even I'm afraid of us!_

_~How evil are we?~_

_We're the evillest pair of bastards this show has ever seen!_

_~What are we?!~_

_EVIL!  
~YEAH!~_

_We ROCK!_

_~And we're evil while we do it!~_

_You can say that again!  
_(Spiritual silence.)

_~So, what do you think of that Tea chick?~  _

_            Oh, sweet Ra…_

Bakura:

            _YOU FIRST!_

_            ~NO, YOU!~  
            **YOU!**_

**_            ~YOU!~  
            YOU, DAMN IT ALL!_**

**_            ~NOT IN A TRILLION YEARS, YOU STUPID BRITISH GIT!~_**

**_            DELETE THE DAMN FILE!_**

**_            ~YOU FIRST!~_**

**_            NO!  YOU!_**

****

The real world:

            As the two villains stared each other down, Rebecca Hawkins enjoyed her afternoon cartoons.  

            "Yeah, Goku!  I just love _Dragonball Z™, _don't you Teddy?" She squealed.  Suddenly, an announcement came on.  

            "We interrupt the previously scheduled program for this breaking news.  Isis Ishtar, the world famous Egyptian archeologist, has just announced a visit to Domino Town later today!  Miss Ishtar has announced her reasons for the visit as 'sight-seeing, shopping, and fratricide'.  We now return to _Dragonball Z™."_

At the silence game, Malik shot up like he'd been stabbed.  "**MY WHAT IS COMING WHERE?!?!"**

"HA!  You made a noise, so I win!" Evil Bakura roared triumphantly.

            "YOU THINK I CARE?!  MY SISTER IS COMING HERE!  TO!  THIS!  TOWN!  **_SHE'S GONNA KILL ME!!!!!!_**  I AM A WALKING DEAD MAN!"

            _"_All you need to worry about is me, and the fate of your very…"

            "YOU!?  HA!  You aren't half as evil as Isis!  No one is!  And… oh dear Ra, I DISOBEYED A DIRECT COMMAND FROM HER!  She's going to tear me apart!  I need to get out of town, out of the whole country!  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"  Screaming in terror, Malik ran out of the shop… through the wall.  

            Evil Bakura blinked.  "What just happened?"

            _We won!  Now you have to take me to Dairy Queen!_

_            ~NO!  I just said that so you'd shut up!  I refuse to allow you to continue this unnatural obsession with cold food!  If food were meant to be cold, mankind wouldn't have had to invent refrigerators!~_

_            B-but… you promised! _Bakura whined.

            _~Absolutely not!~_

_            ::Sigh::  Alright.  I guess… I'll just have to mail this photo of you and Pegasus having sex to everyone we know!_

_            ~WHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!  That… THAT NEVER HAPPENED!  HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET A PICTURE OF SOMETHING THAT NEVER HAPPENED?!~_

_            Amazing what you can do with modern technology, isn't it?  Make a fake photograph every bit as convincing as the real thing!  Like, oh, this one!  Now do we go to Dairy Queen, or do I start sending spiritual E-mails?_

_            ~I… I…I… Surrender.  We'll go to Dairy Queen.~_

_            YIPPEE!  I want a super-large sundae, with hot fudge, and sprinkles, and whipped cream, and…_

The defeated Yami and his giddy companion stepped outside and looked around.

            They looked left. 

            They looked right.

            _~Bakura… where IS the Dairy Queen?~_

_            You know, I'm not sure.  I really don't know how to get anywhere is this part of town, except Yugi's house…_

_            ~This could be a problem.~_


	17. Chapter Fifteen

Authors Sincere Apology:  I am sorry.  Really.  I was about halfway through this chapter when my computer died irreparably.  I was pissed off, and with my work destroyed, lost the will to continue.  But the show must go on!  Let the continuation continue!

Chapter 15

            Throughout this story, we've mainly focused on Yugi and Kaiba.  However, Bakura, Malik, Mai, and even Pegasus (To a certain extent) have been given extensive roles.  

            … but what about the people behind the scenes?  The people our main characters have come to know, love, and depend on.  Aren't they just as important, even more important than many of the people I've been focusing on because they're more funny?  

            And so, in this chapter, we take a look in on the people we've left behind. (Note:  This takes place at the same time as interlude 2)

Tea:

            Tea ran up to her room and collapsed on her bed, sobbing piteously.  "Yugi!  How could you?!  For so long, you have been my one true love!  How is it that now, in the depths of darkness as the very end of our lives approach, that you turn away from me?!  Why, Yugi?!  WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!" She screamed.  

            Suddenly, her eyes lit up.  Tears still ran down her face, but she brushed them off and put on a brave smile.  "You know what, Yugi?  I don't need you!  It took me a while to realize it, but deep down what I was really looking for was someone to depend on, when I should have been depending on myself.  If I just change my outlook on life, I realize that I'm a strong person and I don't need you or any other person to make me complete.

            "Sure, it would be great to find love, but I'm not going to waste my time chasing it anymore.  If I just keep a positive attitude, love will find me!  Sorry Yugi, but you had your chance.  There are plenty of fish in the sea, and you're frankly just a guppy.  I want… no, I DESERVE… a great white shark!  FROM NOW ON, TEA GARDENER IS HER OWN WOMAN!  Look out world, a whole new Tea has just arrived!" she proclaimed.  A spotlight shone down on her.  An invisible audience applauded and threw roses.

            Silence.  

            "YUGI, WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME?!" Tea screamed, and burst into tears.

Joey:

            As great as his friends were, Joey really just wanted to be alone right now.              

            The knowledge that you were going to die tomorrow was a pretty big thing to bear, and Joey preferred to deal with such thing on his own.  And so it was that Joey took a nice long walk outside Domino city, all alone. It was really nice countryside, with a lake, and farms, and everything.  Real serene. 

            He was going to die.  Tomorrow.

            "DAMMIT!" Joey roared.  He was too young to die!  He just couldn't stop thinking about how young he was, and all he'd never done.

            Never had sex.  Never learned to play the bugle.  Never ridden an elephant.

            That was just the sort of stuff Joey thought about.

            Serenity really liked elephants.  Joey didn't, but he still would have liked to take her on an elephant ride someday.  He'd never get the chance. 

            Joey was, frankly, pissed off.  And it was in this frame of mind that he saw the chicken.  The chicken was a typically average chicken, behind  a typically average fence.  The only thing remotely unusual about the chicken was that it was staring at him, and it seemed to understand his situation, because it was making a strange noise.  Sort of a low, rhythmic cluck, like it… 

            It was laughing at him!  No way!  Joey was astonished.  Chickens weren't supposed to laugh at him!

            Then Joey was annoyed.  What made that chicken think it could laugh at him?

            Then Joey was FURIOUS.  HOW DARE THAT CHICKEN LAUGH AT HIM?!

            Joey picked up a rock, and taking aim, chucked it at the chicken.  It connected solidly, knocking that damn laughing chicken over.  Joey laughed a little of his own, then turned around to start walking back to town.  

            Then the chicken attacked him.

Mokuba:

            Mokuba wandered the halls of KaibaCorp., looking for his brother.  Seto hadn't left his office in a few days now, and when he went to the front desk they'd said he was in the office.  It had been a while since Mokuba had been in the KaibaCorp. Building, so he got a little turned around, but eventually found his brother's office.  It was empty.    

            Mokuba sighed deeply.  _Darn.  I guess that means he's in his Office, which means he's doing something evil.  Well, he's not safe to be around when he's like that, and anyway I'm never risking the elevators on that floor ever again.  Guess I'll… just…_

Mokuba looked at his brother's big, official looking desk.  _Couldn't hurt anyone…_

Mokuba got into the big, swiveling chair behind the desk, picked up a pen, and said, "I'm President Kaiba!  I'm rich and good at duel monsters!  Hee, hee, I have to sign all these official documents!"  He turned to the intercom.  "It's President Kaiba!  Buy three thousand shares of stock in Sporks Incorporated!  And make me a chocolate milkshake!"

            Mokuba stayed there for a few more minutes, pretending to sign contracts and rant about Duel Monsters, when a man came to the door with a chocolate milkshake.  "Here's your beverage, sir.  And we've made the requested changes to your stock portfolio."

            Mokuba looked at the intercom, turning paler by the second.  "That… was… on?"

            "Yes, sir."

            "… … … OH MY GOD, I'M A DEAD MAN!"  Mokuba screamed.  "I just bought my brother three thousand shares in a spork company!  Nobody uses sporks, I might as well have thrown a million dollars out a window!  HE'S GONNA KILL ME!"

            "Do you need some sort of protection, President Kaiba?  Bodyguards?  That can be arranged."

            "Wait… you seriously think I'm Seto, just because I'm sitting at this desk?"

            "Oh, you always did have a strange sense of humor, sir."

            "…  yes.  Yes, get me a lot of bodyguards.  Big ones, with guns.  And get me my credit cards, and a laptop with internet access.  We're going shopping."

            Tea:

            "::Sigh::.  Maybe, just maybe, I'm taking this Yugi thing too seriously.  I mean, it's just Yugi who doesn't like me, and its not like there isn't another one of him.  Maybe I can get together with Yami.  He's taller anyway.  And spikier.  And he… isn't the one… WHO SHATTERED MY HEART INTO FIFTY MILLION INDIVIDUAL PIECES!  The first piece is named DESPAIR!  The second piece is named LONELINESS!  The third piece is named…"

            Joey:

            Joey rolled around on the ground, desperately trying to shake the attacking chicken off his back.  The bird was clucking viciously, kicking at Joey with surprising force and pecking him in the back of the head.  Joey swore prolifically as he vainly tried to launch some sort of counterattack against the foul fowl.  

            Finally, he managed to roll into a position to launch a decent shot at the chicken, knocking it off his back.  He quickly got to his feet and stared into the chicken's gleaming, murderous eyes.  

            "You want a piece a this, feathers?" Joey taunted.  "I eat yer cousins fer lunch!  With a baked biscuit and a side a potatoes!" 

The chicken launched itself through the air towards Joey's face.  Joey threw a punch at it, but the chicken (Demonstrating surprising agility for a farm bird) managed to latch on to Joey's arm and run up it to kick (Yes, kick) him in the face.

            Joey went down hard.  The chicken took the opportunity to latch on to his back and begin mauling him again.  

            Joey managed to direct the fight over to a large rock, and began slamming the chicken on his back into it.  Finally, the bird let go, and Joey managed to grab the dazed creature and drop kick it.  

            The chicken fell, vanquished.

            Joey wiped the sweat from his brow and prepared to walk home… when he heard and ominous cluck from behind him. 

            He turned, to see no less than two dozen chickens staring at him.  

            Joey turned and ran.

            The chickens charged.

Mokuba:

Mokuba kicked back with his deluxe gourmet chocolate milkshake and let his new blonde Swedish masseuse Heidi rub the tension from his shoulders.  He put his brand new platform shoes up on his brother's desk, and gazed around at the massive pile of stuff he'd bought after discovering how to use Seto's credit cards.  He himself was wearing big, expensive shades, pinstriped pants, a huge fuzzy vest and a big hat with a feather in it.  Oh, and platform shoes.  Just for fun he'd bought himself a cane with a huge diamond on top.  

For a ten year old, Mokuba made a surprisingly convincing pimp.  

Mokuba smiled at the screen of his computer, and decided that his… er, his brother's… office didn't have nearly enough disco balls.  Should he get the cheap one for five hundred… or the diamond studded one for ten thousand?

"As if there were ever a question!" Mokuba chided himself, clicking on the ten thousand dollar disco ball.  A bigger price tag was always a sure sign you should buy something.

Any feelings of guilt Mokuba might have ever conceivably had about anything had been quashed some time ago, when he had found out that, due to a massive new supply of food being shipped to Africa, the demand for sporks had shot up tremendously.  With the new stock he'd bought, he figured he'd made his brother a couple million at least, so there was certainly no harm in shopping.

            "But, there isn't a whole lot of stuff left to buy, my dear.  Time to hit the stock market again!" Mokuba told Heidi.  She didn't speak any language other than Swedish, so she just smiled.  "Hmmmm… what to buy now?  How about… yeah, twenty-thousand shares of Spam™!"

            A nameless guard ran into the room.  "President Kaiba!  Good news!  It turns out that the huge shipment of food into Africa was all Spam!  You just made the company twenty BILLION dollars!"

            Mokuba smiled.  "All right!  Now I can buy that spa I was holding back on!"

            Suddenly the elevator pinged outside.  "What's all that racket?  Who's in my office, anyway?" a familiar voice inquired from the hallway.

            Mokuba paled.  "SETO?!  Ohhhhhhh, no."  Mokuba ran out of the office, screaming.  

            Kaiba watched his brother, dressed in a very out-of-character outfit, sprint out his office.  He looked into the door, and saw a massive mound of candy, televisions, sound equipment, clothes, artwork, and a young blonde woman, likely of Swedish descent.  "Um… what the hell happened here?" he inquired.  Heidi smiled at him.  

            The same nameless faceless employee burst into the room.  "PRESIDENT KAIBA!  It's terrible!"

            "What is?"

            "You remember that stock you bought in Spork incorporated?  And the Spam company?"

            "… no?"

            "Well, a massive plague has struck Africa, and it seems that the Spam was responsible for causing it!  Not only that, but the reusal of dirty sporks has caused the virus to spread!  Millions are on the brink of death, and they're all suing the Spam and Spork companies!"

            "… … is that a problem?"

            "They've both filed for hyper-super bankruptcy!  And since you owned so much of both of them, you lost three TRILLION dollars!"

            "… … … … I… … what?"

            "LOST THREE TRILLION DOLLARS!"

            "WHO THE @#)(*! BOUGHT ME THAT )@#)($*#@) STOCK?!?  I'LL TEAR HIS #($%&$(% HEART OUT!  I'LL… **MOKUBA!  I'M GONNA KILL YOU**!"

            "It gets worse, sir."

            "I JUST LOST THREE TRILLION DOLLARS!  HOW CAN IT GET WORSE?!?!"

            "Well, it seems you're so far in debt that the only way you can possibly ever not be hunted down and killed by bill collectors is to… … …"

            "What?"

            "Sell KaibaCorp."

            "I… I… I… I… I… no.  No, I can't.  Without my deck… KaibaCorp. is the only thing I have left… I can't just sell it… I…"

            "I'm… sorry, sir.  It's the only way."

            "Very… very well."  Kaiba said in a dead, hollow voice.  "Put my controlling stock in KaibaCorp. up for sale." 

             A second employee walked in.  "Sir, someone has bought your stock in KaibaCorp."

            "That was fast…"

            The buyer walked in.

            Kaiba screamed.

Tea:

"… the three million, seven hundred forty-two thousand, two hundred and ninteenth piece is named EMOTIONAL ANGUISH!  The three million, seven hundred forty-two thousand, two hundred and twentieth piece is named SOUL-WRENCHING PAIN!  The…"

Joey:

            Joey ran for his life.  He could hear the chickens stomping behind him, knew he couldn't possibly face that many chickens.  There was nothing left he could do but run.

            _Don't chickens ever get tired?!  They've been after me for like three hours!  How long do I gotta put up with this?!!  _For an instant Joey considered turning to fight… but that would be suicide.  They would tear him apart.  So he ran.  He ran for his life.

            Finally, he saw respite.  A lake!  Putting on one final burst of speed, Joey jumped into the lake, swimming for the center.  Chickens couldn't swim, they'd have to give up and go away.

            Joey heard several splashes behind him.  The chickens.  Swimming.

            "Oh, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Joey screamed as the chickens closed in.

Mokuba:  

            Mokuba had been going back to calmly explain to his brother that he really hadn't stolen anything from him, and that the new stocks he'd gotten had made Seto richer than ever… when he heard the conversation Seto was having.  

            Mokuba felt like he'd been punched in the gut. 

            His brother had lost KaibaCorp.  But… KaibaCorp. was Seto's baby.  He couldn't just lose it!  Not because of something he didn't even do!

            Mokuba ran into the office to protest, just as his brother screamed.  Just as the new owner walked in.  

            "TRISTAN?!" Mokuba screamed.  "HOW THE #)%( DID **YOU **BUY A COMPANY?!"

            Tristan smiled.  "Well, when I was a kid my mom got me a savings bond, and I just decided to spend it today!"

            "… … that musta been one hell of a savings bond."

            "It did have a really good interest rate." Tristan agreed.  "Hey, I bet this desk would look really good with a picture of me on it!  And I bet I can get a poodle!  CEO's can have poodles, right."

            Kaiba started laughing.  

            "Um… big brother… you okay?"

            "Oh?  Oh, yes, dream Mokuba."

            "Huh?"

            "Well, you see, I'm dreaming.  That's the only logical explanation.  And when I wake up, you'll be dead, I'll have KaibaCorp. back, and my deck will be in my vault where it belongs."  Kaiba said in a slightly deranged tone of voice.  He pinched himself.  "Hmmm… no, not awake yet." 

            Mokuba watched his brother punch himself, hit his head on a wall, and jab a pen through his hand before deciding that this must be one of those 'falling dreams' where you don't wake up until you hit the ground.  This promptly led him to jump out the window. 

            "Hey, Kaiba!" Tristan yelled.  "You have to pay for my window!  Hey, can I have duck for lunch?  Tomorrow, I mean, it's way too late for lunch now."

            Mokuba sighed deeply.  The KaibaCorp. (er… TristanCorp.) employees started crying.

             Outside, Kaiba screamed,  "Nope!  Not awake yet!"

            Tea:

            "And the fifty-millionth piece is named TOTAL, AGONIZING, TRAUMATIC HEARTBREAK!"  Tea finished.  Feeling slightly better, she decided to go for a walk to clear her head.  Maybe, in any case, she would run into Yami.  Then she could date him, and make Yugi totally jealous.  Although, since technically anything she did with Yami she'd also be doing with Yugi, that might not work horribly well.  But still, it was worth a try.

            Tea set off into the world.

Joey:

            Joey wandered back into town at around ten p.m., broken, bruised, and bleeding.  As he walked, he came upon Tristan.  Much to Joey's annoyance, his good friend seemed… happy.

            "Hey, buddy!  Good news.  I just bought KaibaCorp.!  I'm a billionaire now!  And I get to have all the cheese curls I want, every day!  Cool, huh?" 

            Joey thought.  "Tristan…"

            "Yeah?"

"Wanna have some fun?" 

"Sure!  I love fun!  It's fun!"

"Go outside a' town about twelve miles that direction till you find a farm.  Once ya get there, throw a rock at a chicken.  Somthin' real cool will happen."

"Wow!  HOW cool?"

"Super cool."

"ALRIGHT!  SUPER COOL CHICKEN THING, I'M ON MY WAY!" Tristan proclaimed as he ran off toward the farm.

Joey watched him go, and then started laughing.


	18. Chapter Sixteen

Chapter 16

Yugi wandered about the city.

It was still really dark, what with how early it was.  Yugi couldn't see any of the street signs, couldn't really tell where he was at all.  It hardly mattered.

He had only a few short hours to live.

So it was that Yugi decided to simply wander.  There was no point in saying goodbye to his friends, because they'd all be going the same place he was.  No, Yugi wanted to say goodbye to all the things that he wouldn't be seeing anymore.

"::SIGH::.  Goodbye, bench.  Goodbye, parked car.  Goodbye, bus stop.  Goodbye, mysterious cloaked figure walking toward me not really looking where he's going about to run into meOUCH!" Yugi said.

The mysterious cloaked figure swore and picked up the Millenium Rod it had dropped.

"What the… Malik, what are you doing?"  
"SHUT UP!  She might hear you!" Malik hissed.

Yugi looked around.  There was nobody in sight.  "… … who?"

"HER!"

"Her who?"

"WHAT 'HER' WOULD **I** BE TALKING ABOUT, YOU IDIOT?!"

"Oh.  That her."

"Yes, THAT her.  Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to get to the airport.  I've got a flight to catch.  Scotland, here I come!"

~_Well, it's nice to know we're not the only ones suffering this morning.~_ Yami said cheerfully.

_I had no idea you were so sadistic._

_~I'm not sadistic.  It's just that the unhappiness of others amuses me.~_

_Um… yeah.  Well.  That's just peachy.  Let's just keep OUCH!  _

While involved in this mental dialogue, Yugi had failed to notice another person walking up behind him.  This figure had grabbed Yugi around the neck… and then slammed his face into the top of Yugi's head.

"Ow!  Damn, I was hoping dream Yugi's hair would be hard, so I could impale my face on it and kill my dream self, thus awakening.  Well, maybe I can find a truck to throw myself under." Kaiba said to no one in particular.

"Um… Kaiba?  Have you lost what little sanity you had remaining in your twisted, vile psyche?"

"What?  Oh, sorry, Dream Yugi, but I don't have time to talk now.  You see I just figured out that if I manage to kill myself in this dream, I'll wake up in the real world.  It goes against most scientific research and makes little to no sense, but I'm pretty sure it will work.  In any case, maybe it will just kill me, and that will be fine too.  I'd rather be dead than live on in this hellish dream dimension." Kaiba said.  Despite the content, perhaps the most disturbing thing about the speech was Kaiba's cheerful attitude.  He spoke with the tone of a kid going to an amusement park.

            "Kaiba, I hate to break it to you, but you're not dreaming."

            Kaiba's grin turned into a horrific snarl of rage.  "I AM DREAMING!  I DON'T NEED SOME LITTLE DREAM-BITCH LIKE YOU TO TELL ME I'M NOT DREAMING WHEN I CLEARLY AM!"  Kaiba grabbed Yugi and began to throttle him.  "THIS **HAS TO BE A DREAM**!  IT CAN'T BE THE REAL WORLD, BECAUSE IN THE REAL WORLD I'M THE DUEL MONSTERS CHAMP, AND I'M RICH, AND I HAVE A DECK AND A COMPANY!  IN THE REAL WORLD THERE IS NO MISSING DECK!  IN THE REAL WORLD THERE IS NO IDIOT SQUAD OF DECK-WRAITHS IRRITATING ME EVERY FIVE SECONDS!  IN THE REAL WORLD THERE IS NO GODDAMN **TRISTANCORP.!  THIS MUST BE A DREAM, BECAUSE MY REAL LIFE IS ****ABSO-#(%*&#(%-LUTELY ****PERFECT!" **Kaiba roared, by far the loudest Yugi had ever heard him speak.  He then wandered off, muttering to himself.

            A few minutes later, the S.S.S.S.S.S trotted up, carrying a horrified-looking Weevil.  "YUGI!" He screeched.  "Please, you have to help me!  I pretended to be dead, so the orcs in the Company Municipal Torture Facilitation Center threw me down the garbage chute, but when I clawed my way back to the surface these guys kidnapped me!  Help me, pleeeeease!"

            The two S.S.S.S.S.S members carrying him punched him into unconsciousness.  One of them screeched horribly.  Their horses whinnied.  The leader looked down at Yugi.  "You ssssssssseen Lord Kaiba?" 

            "Um, yeah… why are you bringing him Weevil?"

            The leader pointed at Weevil's face.  "Glassssssssses."

            "What's that got to do with anything?"

            "Glasssssssses."

            "… … … yeah.  Sure.  I just saw Kaiba."

            "Where?"

            "He went down that way a few minutes ago.  Hurry, and you should catch him." Yugi said.

            "Thankssssssssssss." The S.S.S.S.S.S let out an unearthly shriek, then galloped off after Kaiba.

            _~I was under the impression that when you wandered the streets early in the morning to search your soul for answers, there was supposed to be some actual soul-searching done.~_

_            Well, I'm confused.  Does that count as soul-searching?_

_            ~I'm not really sure.  I always thought that soul-searching would feel a little more… profound.~_

_            Well, it's a pretty profound confusion.  I think I am soul-searching.  I mean, in looking at my current state of being, I almost consider myself lucky!_

_~LUCKY?!  Where'd you get that from?~  
Just take a look at the other people out here.  _

_~True.~_

Just then, a voice floated to them on the morning air:  "I know that, Yami.  Yes, I am aware we've been down this street before.  I KNOW THAT!  Look, it's your own fault for promising me a trip to Dairy Queen when you had no idea how to find Dairy Queen from our current location.  It's not my fault we're lost!  What do you mean I'm the one navigating!  You are taking me, you're navigating.  Wasn't it your idea turn down the alleyway with all the dogs?  And didn't it turn out to be a dead end anyway?  WHAT?!  How dare you imply… NOW **THAT **WAS MOST DEFINITELY YOUR FAULT!  I did NOT blackmail you… oh, that.  Well, I guess I did blackmail you.  But that was your fault too.  You should have just kept your Dairy Queen promise in the first place."

            Straining his eyes a little, Yugi was able to make out the figure of Bakura standing in the street arguing with himself.  For anyone but Bakura, that might have looked a little disturbing.  But this was Bakura, and for him it seemed almost sane.

            "Hey, Bakura!" Yugi shouted.

            "Hm?  Oh, hi Yugi.  You wouldn't by any chance know how to reach the local Dairy Queen from here?"

            "Um… we don't really have a 'local' one.  The nearest Dairy Queen is over twenty miles from here."

            _~WHAAAAAAAAAAT?!~ _Evil Bakura thought.  _~TWENTY MILES?!  I SWEAR BY RA, IF I DIDN'T NEED YOUR PHSYICAL FORM TO ACT AS MY HOST, I WOULD CUT YOUR HEART OUT AND MAKE YOU EAT IT YOU STUPID DAIRY QUEEN BRAT!~_

Bakura winced.  "Yami's not taking the news very well."

            "Is that why you're out here?  You're looking for a Dairy Queen?"

            "Yep."

            "… … … … It's five thirty in the morning."

            "And your point is?"

            "Dairy Queen is probably closed."

            "WHAT?!" Evil Bakura roared, taking over.  "No.  No.  Bakura, we're going home.  I REFUSE to walk twenty miles for some ice cream store that isn't even open!"

            "Ice Cream?" Yami said, coming out himself.  "You mean that vile cold stuff?  Why would you want that?"

            "Hell if I know.  Bakura's obsessed with the stuff, despite the fact that it's a complete abomination to food world."

            "Oh, I know!  I mean, come on, _food_ that's intentionally cold?  It's just wrong!"

            "We didn't have anything like that in Egypt, and we got by juuuuuuust fine, thank you very much."

            "Oh, did we ever get by!  Ancient Egyptian cakes, Ancient Egyptian wild camel burgers, Ancient Egyptian roast desert locusts… now THAT was food!"

            "You can say that again.  The closest thing I can find today are those, snack cakes; the ho-ho's and such."

            "True, true, they're quite good, but a pale imitation overall."

            "I agree completely.  Say, we ought to start up a camel burger stand, show these people some real food."

            "I don't know.  If there's one thing I've learned in my time here, it's that the people in this era are all complete morons."

            _Hey! _Yugi thought indignantly.

            Evil Bakura shrugged.  "You've got a point.  People today just can't appreciate the subtleties of a camel burger."

            "It takes truly refined tastes to evaluate the delicious nuances of Ancient Egyptian cuisine." Yami agreed.

            "I'd like to try a camel burger." A feminine voice said.  The two ancient Egyptian spirits turned to look at the exchange student, Laryssa.  Their soulmates immediately took back control.

            _~Yugi, Ra has sent us another chance!  We can kill her, now!  Come on, let's do it!  It's our only hope!~ _Yami implored from the spirit room where Yugi had shoved him. 

            "Hi, Laryssa!" Yugi said cheerfully.  "Oh, Bakura, this is Laryssa, our new foreign exchange student from England.  Laryssa, this is my friend Bakura."

            "Hello, Bakura." Laryssa said.

            Bakura's eyes widened.  "Yugi?  Can I talk to you in private for a moment?" He grabbed Yugi's arm and dragged him off.  Laryssa started fiddling with her shoelaces.  

"Wow.  Isn't she great, Bakura?"

"Yugi, she's been lying to you." Bakura said urgently.

"What do you mean?"

"SHE'S NOT BRITISH!"

"… Don't be ridiculous."

"Oh, miss?" Bakura yelled.  "Would you mind saying 'Oh dear!'?"

"Oh dear." Laryssa said.  It was then that Yugi noticed what Bakura was trying to tell him.  She didn't sound a thing like Bakura.

She didn't have a British accent.

            Yugi marched back over to her.  "Bakura here says you aren't British."

            "He does?" She asked innocently.

            "Tell her, Bakura."

            "You aren't British!" Bakura told her.

            "Oh.  Well, he's right." She said cheerfully.

            _No.  No way.  _Yugi thought.  _Yami can't be right…  _

_            ~And why not?~ _

_            Yami, just shut up.  _Yugi cleared his throat and said,  "Um… another friend of mine says you're… um… evil?"

            "Oh, you mean Yami?  Well, he's right too." She said, and smiled beatifically.

            _~HA!~ _Yami thought triumphantly.

            "Wh-what?  But, this is a FanFic!  In a FanFic, the mysterious new character is always a goddess or a warrior for justice or someone who holds the key to saving the world!  They aren't evil!"

            She thought about that.  "Well, I guess I'm the exception, because I'm evil."

            "… … Ah-HA!  You must be one of those characters who's evil at first, but only because of bad circumstances!  You can be redeemed!"

            "No, I'd have to say I'm irredeemable.  Evil to the core."

            "Just how evil are you?"

            "Pretty tremendously evil."

            Yugi considered that.  "On a scale from one to ten, one being Tea surrounded by hamsters, and ten being Yami Malik with a chainsaw on a killing spree, how evil are you?"

            Laryssa thought for a  second.  "Maybe… a fifty-two?"

            "Wow, she really is evil." Bakura commented.

            "Yeah, but… she doesn't LOOK evil." Yugi said.

            "Oh that's because I'm disguised.  I'm REALLY…" Black light ran over her body.  She grew to be six and a half feet tall, and her school uniform turned into an evil-looking black gown.  Her hair grew out, and her eyes turned an evil, demonic red.  A staff mounted with a human skull appeared in her hand.  "The Dark, Foul, Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™!  Mwahahah ::Hack:: ::Cough::."  The Dark, Foul, Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™ gave what was apparently meant to be an evil laugh, but quickly degenerated into a coughing fit.  "I really need to work on that." She commented.  "After I have MY REVENGE! Hahahahahaha ::HACK!::".

            Yugi was silent.  _Well, this sucks. _He thought.

            _~I hate to say I told you so, but…~_


	19. Chapter Seventeen

Chapter 17

Kaiba happily walked along, whistling happily and smiling at people.  His life was perfect.  Their lives were perfect.  Everything was just perfect.

Sudddenly, a dark cloud fell across the sun.  A pedestal made of human skulls rose from the ground, covered in horrific demons.  And atop it, his eyes burning with the flames of hell, stood…

"YUGI!  I knew you'd be back to your evil ways!  But why bother?  I'm so obviously superior to you, any duel we have will end in my victory like our last 497 duels." Kaiba said heroically.

"BAH!" Yugi laughed cruelly.  His voice was deep, gravelly, and echo-y, like two people speaking at once.  "You, Kaiba, are a pitiful fool who cannot compete with my evil powers!  Ever since I sold my soul to the devil for dueling skills, I have been able to beat everyone but you, the Greatest Duelist Ever to Walk the Earth.  But that all changes today, pathetic mortal!" Demon Yugi pointed at a person chained to his pillar of skulls.  "As you can see, I have kidnapped my OWN GRANDFATHER!  And I won't give him back to me unless you defeat me in a duel!"

"… … … huh?"

"DON'T TRY TO WEASEL OUT OF THIS!"

"But… you already have him.  You get to keep him no matter what happens, so what's the point?"

Grandpa shrugged, every bit as confused as Kaiba.

"Don't you try to confuse me with your twisted logic!" Demon Yugi warned.  "Not let's duel!"

"Very well.  You leave me no choice but to use the awesome power of my Millennium Checkbook!" Kaiba proclaimed, getting out a gold checkbook with an eye on the front.  "KAI-BA-OH!  Now, it's time to duel, Yugi!" Kaiba said, having gotten a few inches taller with spikier hair. 

"Very well!  I play Dark Magician!  HA!  I DARE YOU TO TRY AND BEAT THAT!"

"I play the Blue-Eyes White Dragon!"

"Shoot."

"Now I play two more!"

"Isn't that against the rules?"

"Kaiba's so cool, the rules don't apply to him!" One of the dragons said.  The other two nodded.  Then they killed the Dark Magician.

"Blast you, Kaiba!" Demon Yugi growled.  "It looks like I get my grandpa back… THIS TIME!  BUT WE WILL BATTLE AGAIN, I SWEAR IT!" With that Demon Yugi descended back to the depths of hell, Grandpa in tow.

"And when we do, Yugi, you will be defeated again." Kaiba said heroically.  People applauded and showered him with riches.  Women all over the world came to marry him.  Some old guy down the street let out an unearthly shriek.

"… … what the…?" Kaiba wondered.

Another person made a horse noise.  A third started hissing "Glasssssssssssses…".  The old guy shrieked again.

"What's going on?!" Kaiba asked frantically.

Then he woke up, to find the S.S.S.S.S.S looming over him.  

"Wh-what?  NO!  I was back in the real world, where everything was perfect, but I must have fallen asleep again!" Kaiba lamented.

The S.S.S.S.S.S looked confused.  "Jussssssssssst were asssssssssleep." One said.  "We woke you up."  It then let out a horrific screeching noise.  

The leader pointed to Weevil.  "Glassssssssssses."

"Wow, no kidding." Kaiba said.  "Ya don't say.  Listen, I realize it's just a dream, but I don't even own the company anymore.  Why don't you go bother Tristan?"

"Sssssssssssserve Kaiba." The leader said.

"Find blue-eyessssssssssss white dragonsssssssssss for Kaiba." Another agreed.

"Not for Trissssssssssssssssstan.  He'ssssssss sssssssssssstupid." A third concluded.

Kaiba sighed.  "Why, I ask you, couldn't Dream Tristan have taken you dolts and left me my dream money and dream company?  There really is no dream justice in this dream world anymore."

One of the S.S.S.S.S.S shrieked.

"::Sigh::… I'm sorry guys.  I didn't mean to insult you… here, give me a hug."

The S.S.S.S.S.S looked horribly confused.

"Masssssssssssster is crazy." The leader hissed. 

"Not dreaming." Another agreed.

"Come on, guys.  Give me a hug, then we'll all get hot cocoa.  On you, since I don't have any money." Kaiba said, a slightly deranged look in his eyes.

"Massssssssssster'ssssss sssssssssanity hassssss sssssnapped." A S.S.S.S.S.S member observed.  

"Massssssssssster is crazy."

"Not dreaming.  Not even assssssssssleep."

"Glasssssssssssses." One in the back said, pointing at Weevil.

The others turned to look at him.  "We're over that, Sssssssstanley.  Ssssssstay on tasssssssk."

"Ssssssssssssorry.  Massssssssssssssster is crazy."

Kaiba meanwhile, was still awaiting his hug with a patient, if psychotic look on his face.  "Come on guys, I know you want some hot cocoa.  And after that we can play scrabble, and tell ghost stories, and make S'MORES! HEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEE!" 

"Kaiba?!  What happened to you?!" A familiar voice said.  Mai, apparently on her way to an early breakfast, pulled up alongside him.

"Well, it's really quite an amusing story.  You see, Mokuba was screwing around with my stock portfolio, and he _accidentally_ cost me ALL OF MY MONEY.  AND MY COMPANY.  AND MY DIGNITY.  So I was JUST about to kill Mokuba with a piece of rusty metal, when I realized… and I should have considered this before, mind you… that my entire life since I lost my duel to Yugi has been… literally… nothing but a huge nightmare!  I mean, it should have been obvious.  So I've spent the last few hours trying to kill myself and get back to the real world, and had nearly succeeded in waking up when my very good friends the Deck-wraiths over here found me.  So now we're going to hug and be bestest friends and drink cocoa until I wake up.  Isn't that amusing?" Kaiba said cheerfully, but with a rather horrifying light in his eyes.

Mai, somewhat scared beyond all reason, looked over at the S.S.S.S.S.S.  They shrugged helplessly and made a gesture indicating Kaiba was a lunatic.  Mai nodded.  "Suuuuuuuure, Seto, that was a very amusing story…" she said softly.

"IS THAT SO?!  YOU THINK MY PAIN IS FUNNY, YOU BITCH?!?!  WELL IT'S **NOT**!" Kaiba roared, the veins popping out of his neck.  

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry." Mai said, preparing to ward him off if he tried to kill her.  Her mind raced to think of what she should do.  On the one hand, he was looney.  On the other, she hadn't quite given up her plan to marry his money… er, him.  In the end, greed won out.   "Okay, buddy, get in the car.  We're getting you professional help." 

"Thank you, but…"

"**GET IN!**" Mai bellowed.  

Kaiba, as crazy as he definitely was, meekly got in the car, and Mai began driving to the nearest mental hospital.  They barely got a block before they came upon Yugi and Bakura (HA!  You thought he wouldn't be in this chapter, didn't you?) facing down a tall woman in a black dress who was seemingly in the middle of a coughing fit.  Mai stopped the car and got out to see what was going on.

                                      *          *            *            *            *

Far, far away, Malik sat contentedly on a first class flight to Scotland.  He happily munched peanuts and drank from his complimentary coffee.  Then, he saw the screen for the in-flight movie come on, so he put the headphones on… which is when everything began to go wrong.

Rather than the officially sponsored and well-made movies typically shown on flights, the title screen for this one seemed to be made of cardboard.  On it was written 'The Horrible Death of Malik- based on the future as seen by I. Ishtar".

Malik got a cold feeling in his gut.  His sister's voice came over the headphones: "Enjoy the movie, brother.  When we get back to Domino, it becomes reality."  Isis waved jauntily at him from the cockpit.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Malik screamed.


	20. Chapter Eighteen

Chapter 18

Bakura, Mai, and to a lesser extent, Kaiba, watched the unfolding confrontation with mounting interest.

Yami stared intently at his nemesis.  He gazed into the cold, red eyes of the evil that had cursed him, the darkness that had pursued him and sought his total eradication for 5000 years.  A single, burning question leapt into his brain.  One thing that he had to ask her, something he had to know about this, the most worthy of foes.    
            "Dark, Foul, Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™…" He began.  "You have hounded me.  Spied on me.  Cursed me so that my greatest skill now brings me only despair.  I must ask of you know… have we met?  Because your face doesn't ring any bells, honestly."

"W-what?!  YOU DON'T EVEN REMEMBER ME?!  I spend five THOUSAND years seeking my horrific vengeance upon you and you don't even have the decency to remember why?!?!?!" The Dark, Foul, Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™ shrieked.

"Oh, so we have met?  Sorry, but you just really don't look familiar at all.  I mean, I certainly don't remember doing anything revenge-worthy to you…" Yami said, and shrugged helplessly.

"… … … …  YOU BASTARD!  After what you DID to me, what you TOOK from me, you have the TEMERITY to pretend like you don't KNOW!?  I'll flay you alive for your impudence!"

"No, seriously, I'm not pretending.  I have no idea who you are."

"DON'T YOU DARE LIE TO ME!  You visited a horrible, lasting torment upon me that has led me to suffer these past five thousand years!"

Yami rolled his eyes.  "Yes, I'm sure it was horrible.  Now, why don't you… um, remind me of what it was."

_I was kind of curious myself._ Yugi thought.

"Well…" The Dark, Foul, Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™began, "It's really best explained with a flashback."

Yami moaned.  Evil Bakura said,  "Oh, come ON.  We don't seriously have to…"

FLASHBACK:

            (The scene is Ancient Egypt.  About twenty people are standing in line in front of a booth that says "Ancient Egyptian Slushies- The only slushies made with warm ice!")

Yami: (At the front of the line)  Ah, nothing like an Ancient Egyptian slushie!  I'll have a cherry, please!

Slushie Vendor:  That'll be two Ancient Egyptian dollars, pharaoh.

Yami:  (Looking through his wallet)  Hmmmmm… I'm five cents short.  Anybody got an Ancient Egyptian nickel they can loan me?

The Dark, Foul, Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™:  (Standing behind Yami in line)  Here, I've got one!  But you have to pay me back tomorrow!

Yami:  (Taking the nickel, and the slushie)  No problem.  Just come by the palace tomorrow and I'll pay you back.

(The Next day, at the palace of the pharaoh)

The Dark, Foul, Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™:  Hello!  Pharoah?  I'm here to get back the money I loaned you!

Palace Guard:  I'm sorry, miss, but the Pharoah fought a horrific battle to contain the magic of the Shadow Games yesterday evening, and his spirit is currently sealed inside the mystical millennium puzzle.  You'll have to wait until the chosen one releases him and claims his throne.

The Dark, Foul, Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™:  WHAT?!   When will that be?!

Palace Guard:  (Thoughtful)  Five thousand years, give or take a century.

The Dark, Foul, Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™:  **PHAROAH!  I SWEAR I SHALL MAKE YOU PAY FOR CHEATING ME, EVEN IF I HAVE TO WAIT FIVE THOUSAND YEARS TO DO IT!!!**

(End flashback)

            "… have ANOTHER stupid flashback?" Evil Bakura finished.

            "… … … … … …  THAT'S **IT?!**" Yami shouted in disbelief.  "THIS IS ALL OVER ONE #$)(*#$##$ NICKEL?!?!?"

            "… It's the principle of the thing." The Dark, Foul, Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™ said.

            "The 'principle' is that it's A GODDAMN NICKEL!"

            "You're forgetting that there's been a lot of inflation over five thousand years." The Dark, Foul, Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™ said shrewdly.  "As of today, you owe me over TEN DOLLARS."

            Silence.    
            Somewhere, a cricket chirped.

            Evil Bakura fell down laughing at the absurdity of it all.  Mai started chuckling.

            "OH COME ON!" Yami roared in exasperation.  "This has got to be the single WORST revenge I've EVER heard of!"

            The Dark, Foul, Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™ looked uncertain.  "…really?"

            _I can't argue with that. _Yugi thought.

"TEN DOLLARS is not any more revenge-worthy than a nickel!  Money is not revenge worthy until you get into the thousands, at least!  Here, I've got a twenty in my wallet.  Just take it and buzz off." 

"NO!  I will claim vengeance in the DESTRUCTION OF YOUR VERY SOUL!"

"IT'S TEN DOLLARS!"

"**IT'S THE PRINCIPLE OF THE THING!**  Now, we are going to have… a DUEL!"

Mai yawned.  "Who else saw that coming?"

"Now, Yami, before I destroy you and make you suffer a fate worse than death… red or black?"

"… … … huh?"

"We're playing checkers!  Red or black?"

"We… we're doing what?"

"Checkers."

"WE CAN'T DUEL IN CHECKERS!"

The Dark, Foul, Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™ shrugged.  "Okay.  Chess?  Oh, how about Monopoly!  I get to be the race car!"

"Can I play?" Bakura asked.

"**NO**!" Yami roared.  "**BECAUSE WE ARE NOT PLAYING MONOPOLY!**"

"… Uno?" The Dark, Foul, Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™ asked meekly.

"I'm in!" Mai said cheerfully.

"NO!  THERE!  WILL!  BE!  NO!  UNO!  WE!  ARE!  PLAYING!  DUEL!  MONSTERS!"

Suddenly, Tristan, Joey, and Tea appeared.  "You can do it, buddy!" Tristan shouted.

"Believe in the heart of the cards!" Joey said.

"Yugi, you're a jerk!  Yami, kick butt!" Tea cheered.

Evil Bakura's eyebrows raised.  "So, you managed to break your curse somehow?"

Yami's blood went cold.  He looked over at The Dark, Foul, Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™, who was smiling wickedly and pulling a deck of cards out of her robes.   "Accepted.  You realize, of course," she said, "That the loser will be consigned to the most horrific torment imaginable?"

"Aw, nuts." Yami said.


	21. Chapter Nineteen

Chapter 19

            Smiling, the Dark, Foul, and Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™ withdrew her deck… and sat down.  

            That was it.  She didn't make a huge arena appear, or take out a Duel Disc, or ANYTHING.  She just sat down in the middle of the street.  Yami sighed deeply.  Evil Bakura started laughing again.  

            "Good lord, do you have NO idea how to do this?" Yami asked sadly.  "Where's your arena?"

            "Arena?  I needed an arena?" the Dark, Foul, and Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™ asked nervously.  "I mean, I am new at this.  I've never really been evil before.  You were my first big evil,"

            "Trust me, it shows.  Hey, Kaiba!  You wouldn't happen to have an arena handy, would you?"

            Kaiba's eyes flashed.  "Sorry, but I wouldn't have access to dream technology like that.  Why don't you take it up with the owner of TRISTAN-FRICKIN'-CORP!" he shouted, then went back to Mai's car to sulk.

            Tristan, sensing his time to shine, stepped forward proudly.  "So, you need a dueling arena, huh?"

            Yami looked impressed.  "You mean YOU somehow actually acquired a company?  You, who couldn't take care of a pet rock?"

            Tears welled up in his eyes.  "FLUFFY RAN AWAY!" he proclaimed. 

"No, you killed it." Joey reminded him.  "You somehow killed a pet rock.  It still confuses me,"

 "And in any case, I'm not really into the sales of dueling arenas anymore.  TristanCorp. Only sells the very finest in fun equipment!" Tristan said, pulling a catalogue from his coat.  "Take a look at this!"

Yami took the catalogue, and checked out some of the 'products'. 

**TONS OF FUN CUBE-  **It's fun!  It's a metal cube!  It weighs seventeen metric tons!  It does nothing!

**SUPER DIGITAL CARDBOARD PET-  **Just like a digital pet, but made of cardboard!  It also does nothing!  But if you feed it, the food will start to rot inside it, releasing a fun rotting food smell!  Don't buy this!

**HYPER ULTRA SUPER PUZZLE-  **It's hyper!  It's ultra!  It's a goddamn TWO PIECE PUZZLE OF A FRICKIN' KITTEN!  If you can say your own name, or any other word, you're too advanced for this!  PRESIDENT KAIBA, HOW COULD YOU LEAVE US WITH THIS IDIOT?!

Paid For by TristanCorp.  HELP!  PRESIDENT KAIBA, HELP!  WE NEED YOU!  THIS MORON IS DRIVING THE COMPANY INTO THE GROUND!

Yami looked at Tristan with something akin to raw horror.  "Um… Tristan… do you have any idea what this catalogue is selling?"

"Of course I do!  I thought of those great ideas!" Tristan said proudly.

Wordlessly, Yami walked over to Kaiba and handed him the catalogue.  

Kaiba read it.

Kaiba's eyes turned red.  Literally.  Steam blew out his ears.  With a wordless scream of rage, he charged Tristan.  "I DON'T CARE IF IT'S A DREAM, NOBODY DOES THIS TO **MY COMPANY!**" he roared as he started mercilessly pounding Tristan.

Yami sighed and walked back over to the Dark, Foul, and Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™.  "Well, it looks like we'll have to bend the rules.  I guess we'll have to have a big, dramatic duel…" he winced "… without an arena."

Mai gasped.  Joey dropped his head in shame.  Tristan screamed for help.  Kaiba kept hitting him.  Tea fainted.

Just then, in their darkest hour, a miracle occurred!  A miracle with white hair and a British accent! 

Bakura, former KaibaCorp. sales executive, cleared his throat.  "Excuse me, but I believe I may have a solution to your problems." He got out his cell phone and punched in a number.  "Hello, I'd like to talk to the storage department, please.  Hello, Bob?  Yeah, it's me, Bakura!  Hey, you know those extra dueling arenas you have in the basement?  You still have a few?  Great, because I've got a buyer!  Yeah, she's a real nitwit, we could probably jack the price up three hundred percent and she wouldn't know the difference!  How soon can you get it here?  Well, I guess that's okay, those things are big…  I'll see you in three hours then, Bob.  I'll need it installed right in the middle of fifth street.  No, it won't block traffic!  Well, it might, but who cares as long as I make a sale and you get a cut, if you get my drift.  See you in three hours."  Bakura hung up.  "Alright, your arena will be here in three hours, Yugi."

Yugi, taking back over from his Yami, looked stunned.  "Bakura… WOW!  That's so cool!  You're all businessy!  You must be paying more attention to your Yami!"

Evil Bakura took over.  "Yeah, he's getting better, I must admit.  And speaking of me," he said, looking evilly (can he look any other way?) at the Dark, Foul, and Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™.  "I believe it's time to negotiate payment…"

Ten minutes later…

            "Okay…" the Dark, Foul, and Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™ said uncertainly, gazing at her contract.  "I guess that's fair… but do I really have to give you the soul of my first-born child?"

            Evil Bakura grinned maliciously.  "Why, yes, of course!  It's quite common in these situations, happens practically every day."

            "Alright, I guess if I really need the arena…" she said, signing the contract.

            "Please sign again below that, in blood this time." Evil Bakura requested.  When she had done so, he took back the contract and smiled evilly at it.  "Alright.  Your total comes out to $500,000, three limos, a small Caribbean island complete with pirates, a lifetime supply of twinkies, and the souls of your first child and any nephews you might have.  Would you like a receipt?"

            "… yes?"

            "Tough, you don't get one."

            "Why?"

            "Because I said so!  Question me again and your soul if forfeit, worm!"

            "Well, okay.  No need to get snippy."

            "So… what do we do now?" Yami asked.

            Evil Bakura shrugged.   "Well, I'm going to go take one of my new limos to a breakfast buffet.  YOU are going to wait two hours and fifty minutes for the arena to be delivered, then most likely another hour for it to be installed.  I'll be back before the revenge starts."

            Yami got out his watch.  "Y'know, I DO have another revenge scheduled for ten o'clock.  That leaves me like, twenty minutes to get this revenge wrapped up after the arena's installed,"

            "True, but it's not much of a revenge.  Twenty minutes should be plenty." 

            "What do you mean this isn't much of a revenge?" the Dark, Foul, and Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™ asked.  "I've put a lot of work into this revenge!"

            "Let's put it this way:  Pegasus wants revenge because I foiled his plan to bring his wife back from the dead.  So, you could even sort of say that I KILLED his wife.  People become superheroes over stuff like that," Yami said calmly.  

            "YOU on the other hand, want revenge because I owe you ten dollars.  People become schoolyard bullies over stuff like that.  So you see, this revenge, as much effort as I'm sure you put into it, really just doesn't measure up to the other revenge on my agenda.  Or really, ANY revenge.  Ever.  This is by FAR the worst revenge EVER." Yami finished.

            The Dark, Foul, and Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™ looked crestfallen.   "But… five thousand years…"

            "Yes, yes, we're all very proud of you.  So, anyone want to go get breakfast, maybe catch an early movie?"

            "NO!" the Dark, Foul, and Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™ roared.  "We have to wait here until it's time for my revenge!"

            "Aw, come on…"

            "NO!  We can surely pass the time for four hours!  It's barely a second!  I've waited five thousand years, you can at least take a few hours!"

            "But…"

            "FIVE THOUSAND YEARS!"

            Yami sighed.  "… Alright, alright.  Anybody got anything to…" Yami looked back.  Tristan was lying on the floor bleeding, and Kaiba was curled in a ball muttering to himself.  Everyone else was gone.

            "… eat?  YOU DAMN TRAITORS!"     

            The Dark, Foul, and Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™ smiled.  "You SURE you don't want to play monopoly?"

            "Oh, sweet Ra…"


	22. Chapter Twenty

Chapter 20

            _Yami, I'm getting seriously bored here.  _Yugi whined mentally.

_            ~I know, Yugi, but I can't do anything about it.  It's not like I want to be here, but we don't have any choice.~_

_            We COULD just leave.  _

_            ~Yeah, but this chick is crazy!  She already cursed us, who knows what'll happen if we try to leave.  Although, if YOU had just let me kill her earlier…~_

_            Do NOT try to pin this on me!  How was I supposed to know Laryssa was a practitioner of the black arts?  And anyway, it's your fault for taking money from strangers!_

_            ~IT WAS A GODDAMN NICKEL!~  _

_            It's the principle of the thing.  _Yugi thought sarcastically. 

            ~_Oh, don't YOU start that crazy-talk on me.~_

_            And DUEL MONSTERS?  The one game in the world you cannot POSSIBLY WIN, and you challenge her to it!_

_            ~… okay, that MAY not have been my best decision.  But come ON!  She wanted to play checkers!~_

_            SO WHY DIDN'T YOU PLAY CHECKERS?!_

_            ~… … … …~_

_            WELL?!_

_            ~… … cuz.~_

_            'Cuz'?  'CUZ'?!  Well, of course!  Why didn't **I** think of that!  The PERFECT reason to condemn us both!  CUZ!_

_            ~Listen, if you hate it so much, YOU duel her.  You aren't cursed, you can do it!~_

_            HA!  Like I'm gonna get involved in YOUR problems?  You made the psycho mad, you can deal with it._

            _~Jerk.~_

Yugi and Yami were terribly bored.  It had been over an hour and a half since the arena had been ordered, and until it got there they had absolutely nothing to do except talk to themselves.  Oh, sure, there was The Dark, Foul, and Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™, but all she did was look at them for a few seconds, chuckle, tell them how she was going to kill them, and then turn away.  Kaiba was curled up in a fetal position, but every time anything moved he would jump up and hiss like a startled cat.  Tristan was just beginning to wake up, but he wasn't the man to turn to for intelligent conversation under any circumstances.  Every so often the S.S.S.S.S.S. would show up, dragging some innocent bystander, and Kaiba would rant at them, and they'd leave.  Life as usual.

            "… … so, crazy weather we been having, huh?" Yami offered, desperately trying to start a conversation with someone other than his other self.

            The Dark, Foul, and Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™ chuckled.  "Indeed, pharaoh, as crazy as the horrible pain you will feel when I feed you to a pack of starving crocodiles!  HEEEEEEEEHEE  ::COUGH, HACK!::"

            Kaiba leapt to his feet.  "HSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!" he said.  He then curled up again.

            "oooooooooohhhhhhhh…"  Tristan said.

            Yami buried his face in his hands.  

            ... _I think the weather has been pretty nice._

_            ~Aw, shut up.~_

***

            Not too far away, another person was resignedly waiting.  But he was anything but bored.  

            _I'm gonna die!  _Malik thought.  It was the only thought he'd had for a while now, except for a steady countdown of how long it would take Isis to land the plane.  _In five minutes, I'm gonna die!  _

It was his own fault.  He was the one who had been foolish enough to trap himself in a confined space like this, he should have taken some form of transportation that would allow himself a quick getaway.  Now, Isis would take out her horrible punishment upon his soul, and…

            Punishment?  Soul?  Horrible?  HIS YAMI!

            It was the perfect plan!  His Yami was a psychotic, blood-thirsty maniac, surely he'd be able to find SOME way out of this mess.  And even if he couldn't, well, he wouldn't really feel any pain his Yami felt.  Tough for him.

            Reaching deep into the recesses of his soul, the young Egyptian found the spiritual barriers that kept his insane other half locked inside the millennium rod… and eroded them, surrendering himself to the darkness.  His hair instantly grew spikier, his pupils disappeared, and the Millenium symbol appeared on his forehead.

            The newly free Yami Malik chuckled, a deep and horrible chuckle.  Fire and Chaos rained from the sky.  Terror filled the souls of the weak.  The great and terrible evil roared,  "AT LAST!  I am FREE!  Free to destroy all life, to claim the great power that is my right!  For too long, I have been trapped inside that fool, while…"

            Yami Malik stopped ranting and looked around in confusion.  "What am I doing here?  Why did Malik release me?"

            Then he saw the cabin.  And Isis.

            The greatest darkness of all time screamed like a little girl.

            "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!"  ~_MALIK!  WHAT THE HELL IS **SHE **DOING HERE?!~_

Malik chuckled spiritually.  _That's YOUR problem now, buddy._

_            ~I… SHE… I… **YOU SUCK**!~  
_            _Hey, you're the one who wanted to screw her.  Now's your chance, lover boy!  Go right ahead… if you're into that whole 'black widow' thing.  Of course, she'd kill you BEFORE you…_

_            ~I GET IT!~  _Yami Malik thought in a panicked rush.  "Oh, sweet Ra…" he muttered.  _~There has to be a way out of here… I can't die like this…~  
            If there was a way out, don't you think I would have taken it?_

_            ~… … … no.  Because you never did have the backbone to do what needed to be done.~  _Yami Malik thought, looking at the window.  

            _NO.  No WAY.  There must be something else to do…_

_            ~Desperate times call for desperate measures.~  _"GERONIMO!" he cried, and jumped out the window.

                                                            * * *

            "Thanks a ton, Bob."  Yami said as the TristanCorp. Technician finished installing the arena.  "Seriously, you've helped out the fate of the world here."

            "Yeah, sure.  Just as long as that evil British kid pays me, I'm solid." Bob said jovially, then went back to work.

            The arena was in, the gang was back, and it was finally time to get the revenge back on track.

            _I almost don't believe it!  The arena is finally here!  We can actually get this over with!  _Yugi cheered.

            "True, Yugi.  Speaking of which," Yami said, checking his watch,  "I've only got about fifteen minutes until my next revenge, so let's get this show on the road!"

            "GO, YAMI!" Tea roared.

            "You can do it!" Joey cheered.

            "Kick butt!" Mai added.

            "I hope you both die." Evil Bakura said helpfully.

            "AHHHHH!  SCORPIONS ARE EVERYWHERE!" Kaiba shrieked.

            "Y'know, sometimes I wonder about the wisdom of betting one's life on a card game." Tristan said.

            Silence.

            "BLASPHEMER!" Joey shouted, holding his fingers in a cross.

            "TRISTAN, HOW COULD YOU?!" Tea shrieked.

            "Tristan, have you forgotten the First Tenet of Yu-Gi-Oh!™?"  Yami asked severely.

            Tristan blushed.  "Sorry.  'All problems, no matter how monumentally important, may be settled with a card game.  ANYTHING, up to and including the souls of yourselves and your loved ones, is an acceptable wager for these games.'  I don't know what I was thinking."

            Yami smiled.  "That's better.  Now, Dark, Foul, and Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™, it's TIME TO D-D-D-D-D-D-DUEL!"

            "Very well, Yami!  It is past time for your eternal torment to begin!"  

            Dramatic music played, and huge images of the two combatants appeared in the air over a zoomed out view of the arena.

            The S.S.S.S.S.S rode up, carrying a screaming Mako Tsunami and totally ruining the mood. 

            _::SIGH::.  Why do I get the feeling that the entire duel is going to turn out like this?_

_            ~Just because EVERYTHING that could possibly go wrong this entire week HAS gone wrong?  … … … well, maybe this will turn out okay.~_

_            Maybe.  But probably not._

                                                                        ***

            Not so very far away, Yami Malik landed.             

            Hard.

            _~Owwwwwwwwww…~_

_            Hurry and get up!_

_            ~Malik… all my bones are broken… I'm in the most horrible pain imaginable… organs failing… blacking out… self-narration coming in short bits… unable to move…~_

_            Isis will be landing that plane in five minutes._

Yami Malik burst to his feet and sprinted from his landing zone like a frightened deer.

                                                                        ***

            Five minutes later, at Domino airport, barely a quarter mile from Malik's landing site, a plane landed.  

            Then it exploded.  

            In the center of the raging inferno, unharmed, stood Isis Ishtar, an expression of unfathomable fury on her aristocratic features.  She glowed with unbelievable power, and the millennium symbol burned black on her forehead.  She began walking calmly forward, and the ground burst into flame beneath her feet.  

            She said only three words:

            "Malik.  Must.  DIE." 


	23. Interlude Finale: Sk8er Bois

Interlude Finale:  The Shameless Filler!

            Hi!  I'm the narrator and author of this little misadventure you've been reading thus far, and I'm here to talk about this interlude.  In this story, there have been two interludes that helped to sort of carry the 'plot', if it can be called that, along.  

This interlude is a little different.  It's what is known as a FILLER.  This means that it is being used to distract you from the fact that I'm not exactly sure what to put in the next chapter.  It is here to entertain, yes, but it has nothing to do with the actual 'story', if it can be called that.  It is purely distraction.  Cool, huh?

And what distracts better than skateboarding!  NOTHING!  AT ALL!  And who could possibly be better at skateboarding than our resident bad-ass Yamis?

E. Bakura:  WHAT?!  

Y. Malik:  You mean WE have to do this?

            Well, just look at the way Yami is dressed!  He's wearing a dog collar and stuff, so he must know how to skateboard.  He can help you two if you're a little rusty…

Yami:  Hey, Yugi dresses like this.  I have no idea how to ride one of those flat wheelie things.

E. Bakura:  And you can't be 'rusty' at something if you never learned how to do it in the first place!

            But… but… Malik, you can ride a motorcycle!

Y. Malik:  Doesn't mean I know how to work this ridiculous contraption (holds up skateboard).

            Well, you'll learn.  And you'll do it on that half-pipe!

            (A half-pipe appears)

E. Bakura:  This is just a terrible idea.

            Of course, you can't do this without musical accompaniment.  Which is why our lovely assistant Tea…

Tea:  Hi!

            Will be providing background music courtesy of the KaraokeTron 5 Zillion™, and Avril Lavigne's hit 'Sk8er Boi'!

All three yamis:  (Grimace in pain)

            Well, guys, it's time to get up there and show us your stuff! 

Yami:  Do we have to?

            Yes, wimp.

(All three Yamis, carrying their skateboards, personally decorated with fluffy bunnies by Tea, climb to the top of the ramp.)

Tea:  _Oh, he was a boy, she was a girl…_

E. Bakura:  (Looking down.)  So, how do we do this?

Y. Malik:  I have an idea… (Pushes Yami down)

Yami:  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  ::CRUNCH!::  (Makes it about halfway down before losing skateboard and falling into extremely odd looking position)

E. Bakura:  Works for me!

Y. Malik:  Well, that's good to know.  (Pushes E. Bakura down.)

E. Bakura:  I HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE YOOOOOOOOOOUUU… ::CRUNCH!::  (Makes it all the way up the other side of the half-pipe, and flies into the air.  Comes back down.  STRAIGHT down.)  Oh, Ra, it hurts… 

Y. Malik:  Hee, hee… (Slips)  ACK!  ::CRUNCH!::  (Makes it up the opposite side of the half pipe, and goes flying through the air backwards as his skateboard zooms off in the opposite direction).

Tea:  _He was a sk8er boi, she said see you later boi…_

E. Bakura:  I don't know what hurts more… that horrible song… or my horrendous pain.  (Something in his back makes a crackling noise.)  AAAAAAAAHHHHH!  My pain.  Definitely my pain.

Y. Malik:  Oh, Ra, make the pain stop…  

Ra:  **SORRY, NO.**

Y. Malik:  Ra, you can be such a jackass.

E. Bakura:  Hey, I think the pharaoh hit his head.

Yami:  (Unconcious)

            Hey, what are you lazy bums waiting for?!

Tea:  _…she said see you later boi, he wasn't good enough for her._

            Get back up there!  We've got a whole interlude to fill!

Y. Malik:  Oh, come on!  Bakura can't move, Yami's unconscious, and I think my leg is broken!  We can't possibly ride these deathtraps anymore!  

            Explain to me how that's my problem, sucker!  Now get back up there and entertain the masses!  

E. Bakura:  WE CAN'T!  THAT'S THE **POINT, **YOU INDESCRIBABLE DOLT!

            Alright then, I'll just have to use my powers of authoring!  'And then, the three Yamis were all back at the top of the ramp.'  Hey, it worked!

All Three Yamis: (Back at the top of the ramp).

E. Bakura:  There is no word in English or Egyptian horrible enough to describe my hatred of you, so I'll make one up: 'Nolfeela'.  I completely nolfeela you!

Yami:  Wh-what?  Where am I?  I remember this tremendous pain in my head, and then… blank.

Y. Malik:  (Pushes Yami off the ramp.)

Tea:  _I'll be at the studio, singin' the song we wrote…_

Yami:  OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH YEAAAAAAAAHHHHH… ::CRUNCH!::  (I think by now, you know the drill.)

Y. Malik:  Oh, that looked unpleasant.

E. Bakura:  Why don't you take a closer look, then! (Pushes Yami Malik off… without a skateboard)

Y. Malik:  ::THUNK!::  (Falls straight down and lands head-first on the hard, hard ground.)

E. Bakura:  (Cheerfully) Oh, I'm such an evil bastard…

Author:  (Uses powers of authoring to give Bakura a slight shove.)

E. Bakura:  I NOLFEELA YOOOOOOOOOOU!  ::CRUNCH!::  (Gets off to a good start… and runs over Malik.  Goes flying with great force… before hitting the other side of the half-pipe, six feet away.)

All three Yamis:  (Let's just say they ain't gettin' up any time soon.)

            Oh, ow… Tea, you can go home now, I think we're done.

Tea:  Okay, bye! ::Giggle:: (skips off.)

… Um, audience… I would just like to apologize for… this.  I really thought they would be a little more talented at this.  It came off looking like _America's Funniest Home Videos… _man, that hurt just watching it.  And now I have to pay their medical bills, this is just a nightmare.  This didn't turn out as cool as I hoped… oh well, that's why this is a humor story!                   

Well, all I can say is… go back and read your favorite chapter to get this little mishap out of your mind.  And review it!  I don't have enough reviews!  If your friends like Yu-Gi-Oh, make them read this!  And make them review!  What are you waiting around for?!  Go now, or I'll make you skateboard!  Do you think I'm joking?!  Go on, move it!


	24. Chapter Twentyone

Chapter 21

            "Alright,"  The Dark, Foul, and Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™ began, "it is time for my revenge!  FINALLY!  Let the duel begin!"

            Glad to finally be getting something of import done for the first time that week, everybody perked up considerably, even Yami.  

            At least until he looked at the lifepoint counters.

D, F, and E S of C and D's™  lifepoints: 9 bajillion

Yami's lifepoints: 2

            "HEY!" Yami shouted indignantly.  "If you MUST cheat, do you have to do it so blatantly?!"

            _Yami, this is ridiculous!  We're already cursed, why does she have to rig the match MORE?!_

"Hee, hee, hee ::HACK, COUGH!::.  What can I say?  We never talked about the life points beforehand, so I took some liberties. How about I let you have the first move?"

            _I don't think that really makes up for it. _Yugi thought, seriously annoyed.

            ~ _I know that, Yugi, but it's the best we're gonna get.~  _Yami thought, drawing his hand.  ~_Aw, hell.~_

**The Unbelievable Loser: **(Decorated, charmingly, with a picture of Yugi and Yami) 0/-15.  NOTE:  This monster is cursed and has the power to instantly make the cards in your hand weaker by 60000 atk pts.

**The Friendly, Fluffy Kitty of Happiness:  **-1550/0****

**Tons of Fun Cube: **(_Oh, great!  Our curse has a sense of humor! _Yugi thought bitterly.)Magic Card:  This card does absolutely nothing.

**The Unhappy Wombat:  **0/0.  NOTE:  If you use this card to attack your own lifepoints directly, its attack becomes 5,000.

**Whiskery McThistlepants, the Boxing Badger:  **5/5.  NOTE:  A badger whose boxing record is 0 Wins, 250,000 Losses.  This card has the special ability to drink too much whiskey, eat an entire buffet in under an hour, smoke cigars, and call its owner mean names.  

He then drew:  **Saltshaker that dispenses a little too much salt:  **Trap Card:  If this card is played in conjunction with the magic card 'Peppershaker that dispenses a little too much pepper', then the enemy monster's food will have a little too much salt AND a little too much pepper.

            "… Well, I'll just have to make do.  I lay this card face down (Saltshaker that dispenses a little too much salt), and play the Friendly, Fluffy, Kitten of Happiness in defense mode!"  Yami said dramatically.

            _Yami, you're not fooling anyone with that dramatic talk.  This is pathetic._

_            ~I KNOW, Yugi, but I have to keep up appearances.~_

"The curse is still on!" Evil Bakura cheered, taking a handful from the popcorn bag in his hand.  "This'll be worth watching after all!"

            The Dark, Foul, and Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™ drew her hand, and said  "So, Yami, before I destroy you, I must ask you a very meaningful question that could determine the fate of your soul… how exactly do you play this game?"

            **"WHAT?!  **YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO PLAY?!"  Yami screamed.

            "Well, I saw you playing it so I figured a deck of these cards might be useful… but they have all these numbers, and there are so many colors… I really don't know what to do."

            "I don't believe this… just… just put a card down.  Whatever."  Yami said helplessly.

            "Alright!" the Dark, Foul, and Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™ said grandly, "I play… this… in, er, sideways mode!" she said placing a trap card (Crush Card) face up, sideways, in a monster slot.  

            Yami started sobbing.

            "Hey, here's what ya do.  First, ya gotta turn that card the other way." Joey coached.  "THEN, flip it over, and put it in the bottom row.  'kay?"

            "O-okay.  Thanks!  Now, what else can I do?"

            "Well, you could put a monster down.  They're the ones with the numbers on the bottom." Mai said helpfully.  "They go in the top row."

            "AH!" Dark, Foul, and Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™ said cheerfully, laying Saggi the Dark Clown in attack mode.  The clown, being a clown, laughed.

            "Are we done with 'Dueling for Dummies'?"  Yami asked impatiently.  He drew (the Frightened Rat of Intense Cowardice:  1.65/2).  "Now!  I play the magic card 'Tons of Fun Cube', just to get it out of my hand!"  A giant metal cube appeared on the field, where it did nothing.  

            Tristan smiled.  "Beautiful, isn't it?"  Kaiba punched him in the kidneys.  

            "And I'll play the strongest monster my deck has produced in the last week, the almighty Whiskery McThistlepants, the Boxing Badger!  In defense mode!"  Yami set the defense monster (a grizzled overweight badger in boxing attire) down, where it took a slug from a bottle of 'Uncle Bob's Pure Grain Alcohol', and took a long draw on a cigar. 

            "Hey, kid, whaddya think yer doin' interruptin' my dinner?  I oughta knock yer $%)(*$ block off!" Whiskery said in a slurred voice.

            Tea giggled.  "Hey, he sounds just like Joey!"

            "Whaddya mean he sounds like me?  I don't sound nuthin' like that washed up rodent!" Joey said, only cementing the fact that he had the exact same accent as the badger.  

            "You sayin' their somethin' wrong with soundin' like me, twerp?  I oughta pound yer face in!"  the badger shouted.  Joey climbed into the arena and punched it in the face, where it immediately hid behind it's boxing gloves.  "I give, I give!  Man, I'm a terrible Boxing Badger." It said sadly, then it took a huge bite out of a sandwich it produced, as its loss record went up to 250,001  

            Yami just looked on in horror.

            _Hee, hee… it's a boxing badger.  _Yugi thought, chuckling.

            _~Yugi, please, spare me.~  _Yami returned.  Out loud he said,  "Alright, I guess it's your turn.  Just do whatever you want."

            "Okay… I'll play another one of those purple cards in 'down' mode.  Then I'll call this… thing!"  The Dark, Foul, and Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™ proclaimed, laying the Rude Kaiser in attack mode.  "What do I do with these monsters, anyway?"

            "OH!  You… ah… you try to get the… prettiest monsters on the field!  Duel Monsters is a beauty contest!  Yeah!  Your monsters are way prettier than mine, so you're winning!  No need to do anything else!" Yami said desperately.

            "Whatcha talkin' about, Yug?  You know that since her monsters are stronger than yours, she could attack and wipe them out!"  Joey said in the tone of someone lecturing an infant.  

            "YOU IDIOT!  HAVE YOU COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN SHE'S TRYING TO KILL ME?!" Yami roared.

            "Oh… oops." Joey said nervously.  Tea hit him with a brick.  Yami nodded his thanks to her.

            Dark, Foul, and Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™ got a sadistic smile on her face.  "Alright then… big green scaly thing!  Attack his kitten!"  The Rude Kaiser leapt forward, and with a vicious slash of its blades reduced the Fluffy, Friendly Kitten of Happiness to a smear on the arena floor. 

            Whiskery McThistlepants started laughing at Yami.  "Wow, you totally suck at this, kid," It said.  Yami punched it in the face, and it curled up in a fetal position on the floor.  Its loss record went up to 250,002.  "I give!  I'm such a terrible boxing badger."  It said, then it took another swig from its bottle.

            Yami drew his next card, 'Peppershaker that dispenses a little too much  pepper', and thought,  _~Hey, why not?~  _"I lay the Unhappy Wombat, in defense mode!  Now, I'll implement the ultimate strategy!  I play the Peppershaker that Dispenses a Little Too Much Pepper!  And I'll use its power to activate the trap card, Saltshaker That Dispenses a Little Too Much Salt!  With the power of these two cards combined, your Rude Kaiser's food has entirely too much seasoning!"  Yami proclaimed grandiosely.  A bowl of potato salad loaded with pepper and salt appeared in front of the Rude Kaiser, who ate it.

            _Yami, what did I tell you about trying to act impressive in this particular situation?_

_            ~I know it's a waste, but I have to at least look like I have a shot at winning!  HEY, what's happening over there?~_

On the other side of the field, the Rude Kaiser was convulsing horribly, clutching its stomach.  

            "Of course!  How could I have forgotten!"  Yami said, slapping his forehead.

            "What is it?  What happened?"  Tea asked.  

Bakura shrugged.  "You must remember, this story takes place during the period before the Battle City tournament, so the Duelist Kingdom rules are still in effect!  This means that individual monsters can be attributed ridiculous weaknesses at any time to make the duel more interesting, and if I had to guess, I'd say the Rude Kaiser is allergic to pepper!"

Yami watched in wonder as the enemy monster's attack dropped to '0'.  

Whiskery McThistlepants, the Boxing Badger:  5/5

Rude Kaiser:  0/1600

"I… I actually… have the advantage… I'M GONNA DESTROY A MONSTER!" Yami exulted.  "I switch my Boxing Badger to attack mode!  DESTROY THE RUDE KAISER WITH YOUR 'DRUNKEN BADGER BOMBER!'"  the boxing glove-clad badger swung at the Rude Kaiser, a pitiful little jab that couldn't have dented paper.  The enemy monster exploded.

"I… I did it!  I won a match!" the Badger shouted joyously.  Then its attack points dropped by 5,000.

"WHAT?!  WHAT HAPPENED?!" Yami demanded.  

The badger shrugged.  "I just realized that the only thing I can beat in a boxing match is someone with food poisoning, and it shattered my self-confidence.  Sorry.  I'm a terrible boxing badger."

D, F, E, S of C and D™'s LP:  9 bajillion minus 5.

Yami's LP:  Still 2

            "Hee, hee, a valiant effort, Pharaoh, but to no avail!  Now, you will fall before the might of my… swordy… thing!" she said, laying 'Swordstalker' in attack mode.  "er… hit his wombat with your… 'really big sword attack!'".  Yami's Unhappy Wombat was sliced, diced, and fricasseed. 

            "Hey, lady, next time ya should hit his attack mode monster!  You'll knock him outta the game!" Joey said helpfully.  

            Yugi took over for a second.  "JOEY, ARE YOU TRYING TO GET US KILLED?!"

            "… sorry, Yug," Joey said.  Tea hit him with a brick again.

            Yugi sighed helplessly, and let Yami back out.  Yami immediately got down off the platform and punched Joey in the face.  He then got back up to continue the duel, drawing (Super Ultimate Battle Squirrel:  10,000/10,000.  NOTE:  If this monster is ever played, in any mode, for any reason, it explodes and its attack points are taken from the owner's lifepoints.  HA!  You thought you got uncursed for a second, didn't you?  Well, too bad, bitch!)

            _Yami, I'm getting seriously ticked off with this curse._

_            ~You're preaching to the choir, kid.~_

***

            Meanwhile, a far more important thought was flaring to life in a brain that was, in its own opinion, far superior to Yugi's.  

            _These cards… are very familiar.  _Kaiba thought.  They were all very familiar cards indeed… he had played all of them.  But… that didn't necessarily mean… could it be… he had no proof just yet.  But he was alerted, now.  Oh, yes.

                                                                 *** 

            "I change my badger, the worthless little bastard…" 

            "I know!" The badger said, sobbing.

            "… to defense mode.  And I also lay the the Frightened Rat of Intense Cowardice in defense mode."  

The rat took one look around, saw Yugi/Yami's hair, screamed  "EEK!  A HORDE OF SPEARS!" and had a heart attack.

"  ::Sigh::.  I end my turn.  Just… go."  

The Dark, Foul, and Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™ drew.  "Oh, this card is the coolest one ever!  I play this WHITE DRAGON, WITH BLUE EYES!  IN FACT, YOU MIGHT ALMOST SAY THAT IT IS A WHITE, BLUE-EYED DRAGON!  OR EVEN A **BLUE EYES WHITE DRAGON!**"

In point of fact, she was not truly shouting, nor did she say anything past 'White Dragon with Blue Eyes'.  But that is what Kaiba heard, nonetheless.  

With a speed that could only be described as 'godlike' and filled with a rage that fit pretty well into that same description, he literally leapt the seventy feet between himself and the Dark, Foul, and Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™, tackling her right out of the arena.  Then, with a wordless scream of purest fury, he began to just horribly pound her.

Most of the watchers turned away in distaste at all the blood and screaming.  Yami smiled slightly.  Evil Bakura chuckled with sinister glee.  

Mai, ever the pragmatist, grabbed Kaiba's deck from atop the dueling arena and held it out to him.  Kaiba turned away from his pummeling to grab it.  

Instantly, a golden light shown down upon him.  All the dirt he had accumulated overnight disappeared.  The beard he had begun to develop melted back into his face.  The look of insanity in his eyes returned to his normal look of intense evil.  His Ferrari drove up to him, running over the Dark, Foul, and Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™.  The S.S.S.S.S.S dismounted their horses and bowed down.  

Suddenly, #2 from the Kaiba… er, TristanCorp… executive board ran up.  "SIR!  I have great news!  It turns out that the plague in Africa was not caused by spam, but was a bio-weapon attack caused by an alliance between a group of swimming chickens and the rats in our basement!  You get all your money back, and you can afford to buy the company back from that idiot who lucked onto it!"

Kaiba smiled… evilly.  "We really do need to get rid of those rats, somehow… but that's a problem for another day.  For now, it's enough that the rats are my problem again!  I am once again an evil industrialist!" he turned his smile on Mai, put an arm around he shoulders, and handed her a huge bag of money from inside his trenchcoat.  He led her to his car, saying  "So, have you ever considered becoming vice-president of a multi-billion dollar corporation?  Because I assure you, my brother is soon going to be looking for another job…"  With that, Kaiba, Mai, the S.S.S.S.S.S, and #2 all headed back to Tristan… er, KaibaCorp.       

Yami looked down at the Dark, Foul, and Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™, who appeared to be in a coma.  "… Is that it?"

Joey shrugged.  "I think so.  She ain't gettin' up for a while…"

Tristan cried.  "My company!  Oh, Tons of Fun Cube, we will miss you…"

Tea smiled.  "Well, I'm really glad that's all over with!"

Bakura shrugged.  "It seems a little anticlimactic, but who am I to complain?  I mean, there's nothing left to do."

"So, should we go to da epilogue?" Joey asked.

"I don't know, guys.  Something seems…_ unfinished.  _Like we forgot something." Yugi said doubtfully.

Suddenly, a huge white limo screeched to a halt, running over the Dark, Foul, and Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™.  Its rear door opened, and a red carpet rolled out.  

And onto that carpet stepped none other than Maximillion Pegasus, CEO of Industrial Illusions Inc.  He favored the group with a sinister smile.  "Ten o'clock, right on the button, Yugi-boy.  Ready to play?"

-_Aw, crap.-  _Yami and Yugi thought simultaneously.  


	25. Chapter Twentytwo

Chapter 22

            Pegasus favored the group with a sinister smile.  "Why hello there, Yugi-Boy, Tristan-Boy, Joey-Boy, Tea-Boy…"

            "HEY!" Tea said indignantly.

            "Bakura-Girl…"

            "**HEY**!" Bakura said far, far more indignantly.  

            "It's so nice to see you all again, even if it IS only for the few, meager minutes until I crush Yugi-Boy and KILL YOU ALL…"

            Joey gulped.  "Oh, yeah.  I sorta forgot about that part in all the excitement…"

            "I know.  In any case, I believe it's time for us to duel in a horrible, climactic battle to finish for my apocalyptic revenge!"  Pegasus said cheerfully, in the tone of one discussing the weather.  The Millennium Eye glittered.  

            "HEY!"  Evil Bakura said, startled.  "I TORE THAT THING OUT OF YOUR HEAD!  HOW'D YOU GET IT BACK!?"  

            Pegasus sighed theatrically.  "It was a terrible, harrowing experience of the most horrific sort.  I had to face fierce storms, raging winds, and erupting volcanoes.  It was an odyssey of terror and fury, and the sort of tremendously painful and horrible experience…"

            Yugi yawned.  "Shouldn't Apocalyptic revenge have more… activity?"

            "… that can only be explained with a flashback!" Pegasus finished.

            "OH, COME…"

Flashback:

(Scene:  Bakura's house.  The Millennium Eye is on the desk, holding down a pile of paper.  Suddenly, the door opens and Pegasus enters.)

Pegasus:  Oh, look, the Millennium Eye!  (Grabs eye, puts it back in head, leaves.)

End Flashback:

"… … on?" Joey finished.

            Yami raised his eyebrow.  "'A terrible, harrowing experience of the most horrific sort'?"

            "… … You broke into my house?" Bakura asked. 

            "You really should change your locks.  Now, Yugi-boy, are you ready for our little duel?  I have Tooooooooon world…"  Pegasus said, as though this was some sort of special prize especially for Yugi.  

            Yami's expression turned grim.  "Very well, Pegasus!  To preserve the lives of my friends and for the fate of the world, we shall duel once ag-"

_YAMI!  What if you're still cursed?  
~But…we beat the psycho who cursed us!~_

_And do we have any guarantees that did anything at all?_

_~I… but… I… I don't wanna be cursed anymore!~_

_Yami, just, y'know, check.  Draw a card._

Yami reached into his deck, and pulled a card off the top.  He gazed at it, and a smile appeared on his face.

Unfortunately, it was not a smile of confidence. 

"Soooooo… Max…" Yami said nervously, doing his best to make sure his very, very fake smile stayed in place.  "I've gotta say, I'm in such top form from that last duel I just had… I would just totally cream you right now.  How about we reschedule this for… oh, next week, when I've had time to cool down.  Actually, next month would be better.  Or next year.  Or we could just cancel it all together!  Yeah, that might be best.  So, bye, I'll never see you again ever."

"Actually, Yugi-boy, you're still cursed and desperately trying to make me go away so you don't die."  Pegasus said, Millennium Eye glowing brilliantly.  

"DAMMIT!"  

"Now, what do you say we get going… what the–?"

            A bus, on fire and going about 70, came flying down the street.  At the sight of the arena in the middle of the street, the driver desperately swerved, tipping over his vehicle, which screeched to a halt, on its side, about ten feet away from the gathering on the road.  From a window on the side (Or actually, the top, now) climbed none other than Yami Malik, the millennium symbol glowing on his forehead, and a wild, hunted look in his eyes.  He looked like someone had shoved him through a blender.  

            "Damn, who put that thing there… I can't afford to stop now!  Wait, pharaoh!  You…"

            "Malik, your evil will not be allowed to spread, I will stop you here and now!" Yami proclaimed dramatically.

            "…have to help me!" the dark creature finished desperately.  "She's coming for me, you have to save me, PLEASE!  Bakura, Yami… c'mon guys, we're friends, you have to save me!"

            "… … you hate us.  You try to kill us all the time."  Evil Bakura said.

            "No I don't!  What are you talking about!"

            "You mailed me a letter bomb last week."  

            "… … … … … I don't know what you're talking about."

            "Yes you do.  It had your name on it.  It might've killed me if you hadn't stamped 'Fragile, there's a bomb inside' on the box."  

            "Alright, so I tried to kill you!  So sue me!  I'm evil, it's what I do!  You're evil, can't you just forgive and forget?!"  

            "Well, no.  Part of being evil is a sort of moral imperative to NOT forgive.  That's why I sent your bomb to Tristan.  He punched me once."  Evil Bakura said.

            "… okay, can you just forget?"

            "No, actually.  Someday, when you least expect it, I will seek horrific vengeance upon your worthless soul.  But for now, what do you need saving from?"

            "SHE… SHE's coming to KILL ME!  She's going to… to…"  Yami Malik started crying.

            "Who is?" Joey asked.

            "WHAT  'SHE' WOULD **I **BE TALKING ABOUT, YOU MORON?!"  

            "Oh, that she,"  Joey said.  "OH."

            "Oh, dear."  Tea said, going pale.  

            Everyone took a step away from Yami Malik.  Yami pointed at him and said loudly, "I do not know this person.  I have never seen him before.  If anyone–say, Isis Ishtar–wanted to horribly mangle him, I would have no problem with that, and would not stop them.  I would help them, if they asked.  But only if they asked, for fear of offending them with unwanted aid."   

            "W-what?  But… you guys…"

            "I'm sorry, did someone say something?"  Pegasus asked.

            "I think that walking corpse over there made a few noises."  Tristan said, pointing at Yami Malik.

            "… … …You guys suck."  The aforementioned force of darkness growled.

            Suddenly, the very air nearby began to shimmer and be drawn in upon itself.  From this vortex of power stepped the enigmatic and powerful Shadi, guardian of the Millennium Items.  Everyone, even Yami Malik and Evil Bakura, fell respectfully silent as the wise and mighty guardian approached them.  

            "Welcome, Shadi,"  Yami said.  "Have you come to warn us of dark portents?  Or perhaps to share with us ancient wisdom lost to the ages?"

            "No." Shadi said reverently.

            "Oh, I know!" Evil Bakura said excitedly.  "We have, among us here, the Millennium Items gathered!  Are you here to tell us to combine our powers, and guide the universe onto a new path of enlightenment through the Godlike strength we will gain from joining forces?"

            "No."  Shadi said reverently.

            "… … … … then… no offense… why are you here?" Pegasus asked solemnly. 

            "I am making… a cameo."

            Silence.

            "Oh." Yami said.  "Okay.  Are you going to… tell us anything in this cameo?"

            "No, just making a cameo."

            "How long will your cameo be?" Tea asked curiously. 

            "Oh, I don't know.  Typical cameo length, I suppose.  A few more sentences." Shadi said.

            "You're sure you don't want to do something in your cameo?  I'm sure we could find a mortal soul for you to judge."  Yami Malik said.

            "Take Tristan!  Nobody likes Tristan!"  Evil Bakura offered.

            "HEY!" Tristan protested.

            "No, thank you.  I don't really feel like working on this cameo.  It's more of an easygoing cameo.  Laid-back."

            "Well, okay, if that's what you want to do," Pegasus said.  "I guess you don't have to do anything you don't want to.  I mean, it is your cameo."

            Quite suddenly, the sky turned pitch black.  The sun, which had been almost fully risen, fell back below the horizon.  Carrion birds swarmed overhead, filling the air with their shrill cries.  Death approached.

            Lighting up the street was the orange glow of flames.  These flames were surrounding and following the form of Isis, who had just appeared in sight.  Her eyes were glowing red, a millennium symbol burned black on her forehead, and the Millennium Necklace around her neck seemed to be made of pure energy.  As she walked the ground burst into flame beneath her feet, and anything made of glass shattered as she walked past it.  

            Everyone took several steps away from Malik.  

            Shadi said,  "I think my cameo just ended," and disappeared.

            Yami Malik, trapped like a rat, began desperately looking around for some way to escape his impending doom.  Sighting a manhole, he pried it open with his Millennium Rod and jumped down.  The sound of his footsteps in the sewage water fell away as he sprinted through the Domino Sewer System. 

            The remainder of the group got off to the side of the street, just in case Isis decided to somehow destroy the entire road to get at her brother.  Instead, she turned and stared at them.

            Everyone gulped in unison.  

            Suddenly, the sun came back up, and the raging inferno went out.  The crows flew away.  Isis, her normal self, smiled pleasantly at them.  "Pharaoh, always an honor to see you.  Maximillion!  It's been ages, how have you been?  Tea, Joseph, Tristan, Bakura, how are you all doing?" she said cheerfully.

            "Um… … we're doing fine, miss Ishtar." Yugi said cautiously.  Yami had jumped back into the puzzle and curled up in a fetal position.  "how… how are you?"

            "Oh, Yugi, please call me Isis!  I'm doing just fine, thank you.  I was just looking for my brother to visit unholy torment upon his soul.  But then he jumped into that sewer, and I figured there was no point in getting all dirty for his sake!  He'll have to come out eventually, and then I'll utterly destroy him like the vermin he is.  Ta ta!"  She said kindly, and then strolled off.

            "Well… that turned out better dan I thought!" Joey said, relieved.  

            Pegasus turned to Yugi.  "NOW, Yugi-boy!  I believe before the flaming bus crashed here, we were about to duel!  Now, prepare to lose your puzzle, your friends, and you VERY SOUL!" Suddenly, the Looney Tunes theme song began playing from inside Pegasus's shirt.  "I'm sorry, I have to take this."  He reached into his shirt and pulled out a cell phone from a pocket inside.  "Pegasus, go." He said in a tone of voice very different from his normal strange and grandiose manner of speech.  It sounded gruff, businesslike, and eerily similar to Kaiba.  "What is it?  I'm in the middle of my ten o'clock revenge… what?  She did WHAT?  We lost how much?!  How dare that… I thought our lawyers took care of that?  SHE BOUGHT THEM OFF?!  All right, just try not to screw up any more, I'm on my way back right now."  He hung up the phone with a disgusted sigh.

            "Sorry, Yugi, but business before Apocalyptic Revenge.  KaibaCorp. just got some killer new VP, and she's trying for a hostile takeover of my company.  I need to go fend her off now, I'll get in touch when I'm free to destroy you.  Adios!"  Pegasus got back in his limo and drove off.

            _~… … Yugi, were we just spared death yet again?~_

_            I do believe so Yami.  I do believe so._

THE END

"WAIT!" Joey said.  "Ain't ya still… y'know… cursed?"

"GOD DAMMIT!" Yami swore.


	26. Author's Note

Author's Note: 

            I'm sorry I confused you all, my loyal readers.  To make this chapter make more sense, I have two pieces of advice.

Keep scrolling down past the words 'The End', because there's more written after them.  Read this:  yes, there will be more to this story.  I have at least one, possibly two, more chapters planned, as well as an epilogue.  

When I wrote 'The End', I was making another joke.  It's really funny if you get it, unfortunately I either put too much space in between the various sections of the joke, or it's a lot harder to get than I thought it was.  One way has me making a slight typing error, the other has me making a stupid joke, so I'd prefer to think of the first choice as being the correct one, even if it isn't.

While we're on the subject of apologies, I would like to make another apology to all my readers.  You all seem to like my writing, but I feel like I've failed you and myself with this story.  Oh, this is a great piece of writing, I recognize that.  But it's also a humor-themed fanfiction, and that implies that it should be funnier than the source material (Yu-Gi-Oh!).  And for a long time, it was.  

Then Noah's arc started up.  As hard as I've tried, I just cannot match the utter absurdity that the anime has plunged into.  I was just stunned when we saw Yugi duel an old man disguised as a Man-Fish, who kept lecturing him on the nature of economics.  Then of course, we had Joey's dueling an evil lawyer whose basic tactic seemed to be to annoy his opponents to death by just never, ever shutting up.  It didn't help that his voice made my skin crawl.  

And now we have Duke 'Filler character who should have been dropped after his annoying story arc but wasn't' Devlin, Serenity 'Naïve damsel in distress who's just way too cheerful' Wheeler, and Tristan 'Not cool enough to be a main character, but too important to the plot to just get rid of' Taylor engaged in a duel.  The fact that these three are engaged in a duel at all probably breaks some law of the universe.  But they're dueling a guy who not only loves machines, he wishes he WAS a machine.  I think that somewhere, Yami Malik is crying.  They postponed his battle for world domination for THIS?!

But the coup de grace, the episodes that delayed my update on this story for over a week and a half because I JUST COULD NOT BELIEVE THEY EXISTED…

Tea dueled.  I like Tea, (She's so cheerful she makes Serenity look like an undertaker, and I have to respect that) I honestly do, but she shouldn't EVER duel.  And that's not even the bad part.  SHE DUELED A GIANT ACCOUNTANT PENGUIN.  You heard me.  A giant penguin.  Who is an accountant.  

      Now do you understand why this hurt me?  In my entire life, I have never created anything as remotely absurd as the scenario I just outlined for you.  It tore my will to write apart with the knowledge that no matter how hard I tried, I would never manage to create something as ridiculous as the Tea/Accountant Penguin battle.

Not that I won't try, of course.

Keep reading, and keep reviewing!  We're almost to the end, so strap yourselves in and enjoy the rest of the 'story'.  

By the way, there's a sequel in the works, too!  I haven't chosen a title yet, but when the first chapter is posted, I'll put an update in this story so you guys don't miss it.  It will take place during the 'Battle City' period, in a manner of speaking, and will feature even more of the 'evil' villains and crippling psychological breakdowns we all know and love.  But I'm not going to get started on it until I finish up this story.       
            


	27. Chapter Twentytwo

Chapter 22

Author's Concern 1:  Sorry for the delays.  I just have this problem where I'm extremely lazy.

Author's Concern 2:  Is Noah's storyline ever gonna freakin' end?  'Cause he's starting to piss me off.

Author's Concern 3:  To all you YGO fans, I tried out the newest video game offering, _The Falsebound Kingdom, _and… ugh.  It's 1/10 Yu-Gi-Oh advertising plug, 9/10 frustration, and 0/10 fun, originality, plot, graphics… y'know, all the stuff that makes a game good.  It's a shameless clone of _Ogre Battle 64, _except it's not as good.  That game had original characters, a deep plot, a battle system that was easy to use and understand, and most importantly, CUTSCENES.  This game had none of the above.  Yes, that includes CUTSCENES, which are almost essential for telling the story in a strategy game, which this was struggling to be.  All plot advancement was through dialogue boxes with a picture of the character speaking.  Never once is there a computer rendered character seen.  You don't get to SEE Yugi and Bakura discuss what to do next, you get to read what they say to each other while looking at an otherwise blank screen.  Unforgivable, especially when the plot is just 'Yugi and friends are trapped in a virtual world!  Get them out, either by being good with Yugi, or evil with Kaiba!'.      

Its badness really hit home for me because I rented it the same week I bought _Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic,_ a game which just blew me away and is continuing to do so.  I beat it… and then IMMEDIATELY started a new game.  I've never done that before.  So, with a great game to compare it to, I realized that the Falsebound Kingdom sucks.  Only true Yu-Gi-Oh! fanatics need apply, and I pity those people.

On with the show!

            Yami sat on his knees and stared blankly into space, tears rolling down his cheeks.  "So close."  He kept whispering.  "It was almost over.  So close."  

            Joey looked at him curiously.  "I wonder what's wrong wit' him?"

            Tea sighed.  "Isn't it obvious?  I mean, we were THIS…" She held her fingers a few millimeters apart, "… close to ending this story.  I think Yami would just keep the curse if it meant he didn't have to put up with this author anymore.  He's suffered almost as much as Kaiba in this 'story', and he's the HERO!"

            Evil Bakura smirked.  "I know!  I kinda like this guy, in the way that I'm not actively plotting his death right at this moment."  He waited a few seconds.  "Okay, now I'm plotting the author's death."

            Gee, thanks, jerk.  Meanwhile, Tristan had gone over to Yami and begun engaging in strenuous scientific analysis to determine the cause of Yami's ailments.  

"Well, poking him with a stick doesn't help, you guys!" Tristan said, putting down the stick he'd been poking Yami with for the last five minutes.  "Maybe if we pick him up and shake him!"

Tea hit him with a brick.

"We gotta do what we did the last time Yugi was like dis!  Quick, Tea, do something love-y and friendship-y!" Joey said.

"That was Yugi.  I don't think Yami will respond to that sort of thing."

"Oh.  Yeah.  Darn."

Evil Bakura sighed impatiently.  "Oh, come off it, he's just a little shook up.  Watch."  He walked over to the pharaoh, who was still softly crying and muttering to himself, and shook him a little.  "Wake up, dolt."  Yami didn't respond, so Evil Bakura shook him harder.  "Come ON, snap out of it!" 

When Yami still didn't respond, Evil Bakura kicked him in the side.  "TALK, DAMMIT!" he picked up the brick Tea had been hitting people with.  "**SAY SOMETHING, OR I SWEAR I'LL BASH YOUR #(%)*@)%*@! SKULL IN!**" 

Bakura took back over, saying,  "Get a bloody grip on yourself!  His mind snapped, he's not just going to wake up if you tell him to!"  
            _~WHY THE HELL NOT?!~  
            That's just not how it works, Yami!  _

_~… … … … Can I still bash his skull in?~_

_NO!_

_~ …stupid little freak… never lets me have any fun… or kill people…~_

"Alright, back to square one.  Why is Yami like this?" Tea asked.  

" 'Cause this story has taken his life, cut it into tiny pieces, and ruined every single one of them?" Joey asked, with the air of a student answering a question he's not QUITE sure of the answer to.

"Correct.  Now, how do we make Yami UN-like this?"

Bakura raised his hand.    
            "Yes, Bakura?"

"Well, maybe if we make him THINK the story has ended, he might snap out of it!"

"Very good, Bakura!  A gold star for you!" Tea said.  Bakura smiled proudly. 

"But how do we make Yami tink da story's over?" Joey asked.

"Poke him with a stick?" Tristan suggested.  "No, no, we already tried that!  We COULD pour cold water on his head, but that's a dangerous, complicated procedure.  If we fail, his socks could get really wet!  We should try to think of something safer before we resort to drastic measures."

Silence.

"Okay.  Yeah.  Sure." Tea said, slightly creeped out by how SERIOUS Tristan sounded, as though he truly, honestly believed that the 'cold water plan' would cure a major psychological breakdown.  "We'll… keep that plan in the wings.  Any other suggestions?"

Tristan raised his hand.

"Any suggestions that DON'T involve poking him with a stick?"

Tristan lowered his hand.

"Maybe… maybe if WE all acted like the story is over, than Yami will think the story is over too!" Bakura said.  A veritable fountain of good ideas, Bakura was.

"Eh, it worth a try," Joey said.  "Boy!  I'm sure glad that that story is OVER!  No more curses, or humiliating circumstances…"

"No more psych disorders, no more impending doom…" Tea continued, playing along.

"No more being unable to find Dairy Queen, no more stupid staring contests, no more lame and unlikable pseudo-villain who can't even laugh evilly…" Bakura said.  Then, his Ring shone for a moment and his Evil counterpart came out, with a desperate look in his eyes.

"No more… no more money, no more power, no more freedom to do whatever I want and appear wherever I want…" Evil Bakura said.  "It's… it's terrible!  This story is the best thing that's ever happened!  All the people I don't like are suffering, and I've gained huge amounts of wealth and power!  It would be perfect, except you're all still alive!  I can't just let this story end!"  
            "Hey, there's a sequel in the works, dude." Tristan reminded him.

"Oh.  Okay.  Go on, then."

Yami blinked a few times.  "Wh-what?  The story… it's over?  The suffering is done?"  
            "Actually, we just said all that to wake you… GOD DAMMIT!" Tea swore as Yami's eyes glazed over again.  Suddenly, she was struck with an idea.  She picked up her trusty brick from off the sidewalk and hurled it at Tristan, who was once again poking Yami with a stick.

Then she was struck by a more useful idea.  "Hey, YUGI!" she said loudly.  The Millenium Puzzle shimmered, and Yugi replaced the comatose pharaoh.  

"Yeah?  What's up?  I thought the story was over last chapter!  I just opened up a can of spiritual pudding." Yugi said cheerfully.

"Well, that was the case, until we remembered Yami is still cursed… spiritual pudding?  My Yami never told me about spiritual pudding…" Bakura said, sounding disappointed.

~_Hey, that stuff costs a spiritual dollar a cup!  Spiritual money doesn't grow on trees!~ _Evil Bakura thought indignantly.

"Okay.  So the story didn't end?" Yugi asked.

"You guessed it.  And now we can't get Yami to acknowledge the universe." Tea informed him.

Yugi thought a moment.  "Well, have you tried poking him with a stick?"

"Oh, you've gotta be joking…" Tea groaned.

"Yes, Yugi, I did.  Great minds, it seems, think alike, but even the immense power and scientific precision of a perfectly executed stick poking failed to alleviate the problem." Tristan said somberly. 

"Oh, that is bad.  Maybe if we picked him up and shook him?  Or poured cold water on his head?"

"YUGI!" Tea shrieked.  "BE SERIOUS FOR A SECOND HERE!  THIS IS A MENTAL BREAKDOWN!  HOW COULD ANY OF THAT POSSIBLY WORK?!" 

"Don't underestimate the power of cold water, Tea.  It might surprise you." 

"Yug…" Joey said, interjecting before Tea exploded,  "We were sorta hopin' you might be able to talk him out of it."

"Well, I guess I can try."  _Yami?  You in there?_

_~Yugi?  … … …go away.  Toss the puzzle in a trash compactor and live without me.  I just want it all to stop!~_

_You cannot just give up!  How many times have you pushed me to go on when I was about to surrender?  How many times have you saved me?  
            ~It was just luck.  I'm really just… nothing.  I'm a failure.~_

_Yami, think about King Tut!  King Tut wouldn't have given up, he would have gotten back up, and built Egypt no matter what! If King Tut had just given up, you never would have been pharaoh in the first place._

_~Yugi, I was pharaoh **before** King Tut.~  
            ………What?_

_~I was pharaoh before him.  HE wouldn't have been pharaoh without ME.~_

_Oh.  Well, screw King Tut.  Think… Nancy Kerrigan!  SHE wouldn't have given up until she got the gold, and neither should you!_

_~She took the silver, Yugi.  She lost.~_

_Dammit, isn't there anyone who inspires you?!  All right, I didn't want to do this, but if you don't snap out of it and help us uncurse you, I'll make you watch… THIS!  A spiritual DVD of 'Gigli', starring Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez!_

Yugi's body, now with Yami piloting, woke up.  "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  ALL RIGHT!  I'M UP, I'M UP!  JUST TAKE THAT HORRIBLE THING AND BURN IT BEFORE IT REPRODUCES!"

Tea pumped her fist in triumph.  "YES!  Step one complete!  Now, all we need is…"

"To remove a horrible Egyptian curse that lasts forever and has never been successfully removed?" Evil Bakura completed.  

"Well, yeah.  But when you put it that way it sounds so hard!" 

The Dark Spirit of the Ring smiled coldly.  "As it happens, it may be very simple indeed.  I believe that I have the key to destroying this curse… but if it succeeds, I will of course demand ample compensation."  His eyes fell hungrily on the puzzle.  

Inside the ring, Bakura's eyes widened.  _NOOOOOOO! _He thought desperately, but when he tried to take over it was like ramming into a wall.  Locked away by his Yami's power, Bakura stared helplessly, a prisoner in his own body.

Yami scowled.  "I cannot trust you… but I have no other choice.  If you can help, I must allow you to try."

Evil Bakura's smirk grew wider.  "Very well, I will need your puzzle."

_DON'T LET HIM TOUCH IT! _Bakura thought desperately.  

The tomb robber took the golden artifact from the pharaoh, and gazed at it with open lust for power in his eyes.  He stayed like that for a few moments, then began muttering an Egyptian spell under his breath… 

Right before he reared back and slammed the point of the puzzle into his right eye.  

What were you seriously expecting?

"**OH $#^(*&#$^ IT HURTS!  MY EYE, MY $#)(*$#^ EYE!  IT HURTS SO $(*&$%$#(%&$ MUCH!**" The spirit cried as he writhed on the ground clutching his eye.

_::Sigh::.  I knew it.  I tried to stop you.  If you had let me warn them not to let you do that, you wouldn't be in this predicament._  Bakura thought in a long-suffering tone of voice. 

"Um… yeah.  Sure." Yami said.  "I have a strange feeling that may not have succeeded."

            Evil Bakura sighed, painfully.  "Well, I'm out of ideas, then… ow… so I'm getting out of here before I start to pick up whatever disease makes you people such losers.  Anyhow, I've got an island to inspect, and an eye to replace.  So long, suckers!" with that, one of his new limos swooped in, picked him up, and drove off.

            "Now, does anyone have any ideas that aren't stupid?" Yami asked.

            Joey shot up, an enlightened expression on his face, as though a light bulb had switched on in his brain.  "Yami, I tink I might have just da ting for ya!  Wait here while I go get it!"  he then sprinted off in the direction of his house.  He didn't live very far away, so it only took a few minutes before he came back with a long, thin object wrapped in brown paper.  Joey, grinning from ear to ear, said proudly, "I have yet to encounter a problem this little baby can't solve!"

            He then unwrapped a very expensive-looking wooden baseball bat.

            Yami blinked, confused.  "How could that possibly help?"

            WHAM!

            Joey smashed it into Yami's forehead.

            "Joey!  What the hell did you do that for?!" Tea shrieked, rushing over to check the unconscious pharaoh for a pulse.

            "In my experience, there is no problem that cannot be solved by hitting it with a baseball bat." Joey said serenely.

            Tea sighed.  "Well, now we have to wait for him to wake up.  Hey, for all I know it actually worked!"

            One hour later…

            "Owwwwww…" Yami said, rubbing his head.

            "Oh, he's awake!"  Tea said excitedly.  "Quick, check to see if Joey's… remedy… worked!" 

            Yami drew a card, and when his vision cleared, he said, "Nope."

            WHAM!

            "JOEY!  If it didn't work once it probably won't work now!" 

            "Hey, maybe I just didn't hit him hard enough."

            "::SIGH::.  Well, we just have to wait some more…"

            One hour later…

            "Oh, my head…"  Yami moaned. 

            WHAM!  
             "DAMMIT, JOEY!"  

            One hour later…

            Yami faded back into conciousness, wiped the blood off his forehead, and desperately tried to focus his vision in spite of the skull-splitting agony he was experiencing.  "G-guys… why does my head hurt so much?"

            Tea, who had taken the bat from Joey and (Demonstrating strength that would have been the envy of many a professional weightlifter) smashed it into kindling, said "Well, the search for a cure got a tiny bit out of hand.  We're back on track now."

            "Ow… ow… ow… okay.  Does anybody else have an idea?"

            Tea grinned slightly, and turned beet red.  "Well, I… maybe… might have… oh, I'm so embarrassed!"

            "What?  It can't make me feel any worse…"  Yami's eyes got wide and fearful,  "Can it?"

            "Well, its just that in all those fairy tales, the curse is always broken with a kiss so, maybe… I… hee, hee!" She broke off, giggling and even redder than before.  

            Yugi's spiritual eyes widened in shock.  Yami, on the other hand, got a smirk on his face and started looking over Tea.  "Yeah," he said slyly, "That sounds like a great idea."

_Yami!  You can't just take advantage of our friend like this!  You know that won't do anything!  
_            _~Zip it, twerp.~  _Yami said, shutting Yugi down.  To Tea he said, "Yes, that idea has a lot of potential.  I vote we try it out.  Maybe try it a few times, just to make sure."

Tea giggled again.  "Well, okay…"

Yami's smirk got even wider, and he closed his eyes.  He felt a pair of lips touch his own, hold for a few seconds, and then leave.  Yami opened his eyes to say something slick… and what he saw paralyzed him.  Standing several feet away were Joey and Tea, their faces caught somewhere between amusement and nausea, as though they had just seen something that made them want to simultaneously laugh and vomit.  

And standing in front of Yami, his arms folded proudly across his chest and a confident 'I am SUCH a genius' smile on his face, was Tristan.

Yami and Yugi's brains went into overdrive for just a second, while they processed this disturbing information.  

_Oh, no.  HELL no.  _Yugi thought, desperately.

"**ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!**" Yami screamed.


	28. Chapter Twentythree

**Chapter 23**

**Author's Concern:  **I was looking through my reviews, because they validate my existence, and I just noticed something.  My Author's Note got more reviews than the majority of my actual, physical chapters.  Should I be concerned by that?  Am I just funnier than Yugi and Kaiba, or is my story just boring you people?  Should, maybe the sequel be just chapter after chapter of me ranting about things that kind of annoy me?  Because there are plenty of things that annoy me; like how my history teacher has this annoying accent that sounds like some unholy mixture of Swedish and Irish and I want to beat it out of her with a stick.  Or how people always drive ten mph slower when there's snow on the ground, even if there isn't ANY on the road?  

Yeah… yeah… I like it!  Yugi is starting to piss me off, so the sequel is going to be all about me.  No more these anime characters!  All me, all the time.  It'll be great. 

P.S.— I realize that this MAY sound like one of my trademark 'jokes', but it's not.  I just can't stand that spiky-haired little twerp any longer.

P.S.S— Okay, so I was joking.  On with the story.

**"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!" **Yami screamed.  Or, to be more accurate, KEPT screaming.  It had been a solid ten minutes since Tristan had… … y'know, and Yami just kept letting out the same bloodthirsty scream.  Every so often, he would pick up something rough and frantically scrape his mouth against it, trying to 'kill off the Tristan germs' before they 'burned through his skull'.  Everyone watching was pretty sure that SOMETHING had already gone straight through his skull and eaten his brain.  

"Yami…" Tea said, softly,  "It's not that bad, is it?  It's just one little…"

"Not.  That.  Bad?"  Yami said, slowly.  "NOT THAT BAD?  **NOT THAT BAD?!  ****OF COURSE IT'S 'THAT BAD', YOU IDIOT!  I JUST GOT KISSED BY $%)(*$%)$% TRISTAN!  I CAN FEEL HIS VILE, EVIL TRISTAN-GERMS BURNING AWAY AT MY SKIN!  YOU WANT TO KNOW HOW _BAD _IT IS?!" **He drew into his deck and a picked out a card, holding it up to show it was the Dark Magician.  "**I'M CURED!  IT COMPLETELY FIXED ME, AND I DON'T CARE!  I'M MORE UNHAPPY THAN BEFORE!  NOW EVEN THIS GUY-" **he pointed to himself,    "**WANTS TO DIE!** ** HE'S SAYING WE JUST END OUR LIVES RIGHT NOW, AND Y'KNOW, I'M HAVING A HARD TIME FINDING A REASON NOT TO!"**

Tea blinked.  "Yugi?  But, he… always looks on the bright, happy side!"

The pharaoh vanished, replaced with his younger counterpart.  Although the two had, in truth, never looked more alike.  Yugi had the same snarl of rage and disgust on his face.  "**THERE IS NO BRIGHT SIDE!  THIS IS THE ABSOLUTE WORST THING THAT COULD EVER HAPPEN TO ANYONE!  IF I HAD KNOWN THIS IS HOW THIS CURSE WOULD BE BROKEN, I NEVER WOULD HAVE BOTHERED TRYING TO CURE IT!  I WOULD HAVE TAKEN UP CHESS OR SOMETHING!  I WOULD HAVE LET YAMI DRIVE A PENCIL INTO OUR HEAD!  I WOULD HAVE WRITTEN BACK TO PEGASUS, TELLING HIM TO COME TO TOWN EARLY AND ****FINISH US OFF!"  **Yugi roared.  

"oh…" Tea said, and shut up.  

Tristan, seemingly totally oblivious to Yugi/Yami's rage, smiled confidently.  "I just knew it.  No problem cannot be solved by adding a little Tristan to it!"

Joey looked at his friend, a little creeped out.  "Ya do realize it only worked 'cause it made him feel worse than being cursed did."

"Yessir, my magic touch solves everything!"

Yugi, who was scraping his lips against the cement to try and clean them off, looked up at the sound of Tristan's voice.

"YOU." He said.  His voice was different, not truly the voice of Yugi or Yami, but rather as though the two were speaking at the same time, with the same incredible 

fury driving them.  Their joined body glowed black, eerily similar to the way Isis had shined when SHE had been on the warpath.  "**_YOU UNBELIEVABLE IDIOT!  THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!"_**

****"No, no need to thank me." Tristan said modestly.  "All in a day's work!"

            "**_NOW YOU WILL SUFFER THE FATE OF ALL THOSE WHO CHALLENGE THE PHARAOH!" _**they screamed, and in a display of unbelievable power and horrible majesty, they banished Tristan, body and soul, into the eternal darkness and torment of the Shadow Realm.

            "Ah!" Yugi sighed, happily.  "Much better!"****   

            Harsh, just a little? Nah.

            "Wow… Yugi… you sure did… murder Tristan…"

            "Are you saying he didn't deserve it?" Yugi asked softly, his eyes starting to glow red again.

            "N-nope!  Not at all, not me, no way!" Tea said frantically.  

            "He was askin' for it!" Joey agreed, trembling.

            "Ah, that's good.  I'd hate to lose you two, you actually matter to the plot overall.  I'm sure we can find a cardboard cutout or robotic pet to fill Tristan's position.  Oh, how about one of those little robot dogs that makes a yipping noise, and when you hold a little bone in front of it, it grabs on?  I've always wanted one."

            "Yug…" Joey said, nervously,  "Ya seem awful chipper for someone who just betrayed all his morals and eradicated the life and soul of a person who…"

            "If you say that he didn't do anything, you'll be keeping him company," Yugi said calmly.

            "­–Totally, and completely deserved everything awful that happened to him.  His crimes were to horrible to contemplate."

            "Excellent.  Now that we're all agreed on that, what should we do now?"

            Tea thought.  "We could… duel Pegasus?"

            "Did it... sorta."

            "Duel Kaiba?" 

            "He left."

            "Duel Malik?"

            "He won't be showing his face in daylight for a few more years."

            "We're all out of villains then.  We can probably just go home." Tea said, shrugging helplessly.  

            "Oh.  Well, I guess.  Seems like a lame way to end the story thouULK!" Yugi said, as quite suddenly the Millennium Puzzle began to fiercely glow.  It filled the entire street with a golden glow that outshone the sun, and when it faded, a fourth person was standing there.  A very angry, fully physical Yami.

            "LIKE.  HELL!" He roared.  

            "How… you… I… you…  How'd you get out here?" Yugi asked numbly.  

            "Shut up you stupid little bastard!"

            "Yessir."

            "Now.  I have been TORMENTED this entire week.  This story has been a HORRIBLE ORDEAL IN MIND NUMBING PAIN!  I will be damned if I let it end on a note as lame as 'let's all go home!'"  He stomped toward Tea and hooked his arm 

through hers.  "Now, sweetie.  I believe YOU owe me a 'curse removal'.  I vote we go back to my place…"  he paused, looking back at Yugi (Whose jaw had dropped, and who was turning an intriguing shade of red).  "…on second thought, let's go to YOUR place, wouldn't want that little twerp interfering… And practice 'curse removal' for a few hours."  He winked lasciviously.  

            Tea giggled, and with her own glance at Yugi (one that said 'YOU could have done this, but you had to go and fixate on the foreign exchange student.  Well, she was an evil… sort of… witch, and YOU are out of luck, jerk.')  She turned to Yami and said, "I'm game."  The two strolled off toward Tea's house.

            Joey chuckled.  "Heh, heh, heh… wayta go, Yami!"

            "JOEY!  He's completely taking advantage of Tea!"

            "Hey, gotta respect a guy that slick.  Well, I'm gonna go home… and freakin' sleep.  This whole 'adventure' sure had us keeping some odd hours,"

            "Good point.  Hey, Joey?"

            "Ya?"

            "Let's never, ever, ever, ever, ever speak of this whole atrocious series of ridiculous and pointless events again.  Okay?"

            "Fine by me, Yug."

            The two set off for their respective homes, stepping over the broken form of the Dark, Foul, Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™ on their way.  Nobody had bothered to scrape her off the street.  

            She made a sort of burbling sound, and continued bleeding and such.

                                                                        ***

            The two reached Yugi's house.  "Well, Joey, it's almost over.  The chances of anything strange and ridiculous happening now…"

            Rebecca walked out of the Game Shop, wearing black robes much too big for her, and carrying Teddy, who was wearing a similar set of robes.  "Hi, Yugi!  I'm a Rare Hunter!  UWEE-HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE!" she cackled insanely, and then simply wandered off.

            "…are getting better all the time." Yugi said helplessly.

            "Yeah, that was freaky." Tristan agreed.

            "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Yugi and Joey screamed in unison.  

            "TRISTAN?!  HOW THE @#$%(*&@#% DID YOU GET HERE?!" Yugi screamed in sheer horror.

            "I walked up from down the street.  Duh." Tristan said, as though it were the most obvious thing in the world.  

            "But… buddy… weren't ya banished to da Shadow Realm?"

            "Oh, that.  Well, I was in this big dark place, so I sat down.  Well, then I got hungry, so I wandered around, and then I got lost and found myself in Dairy Queen with Bakura.  And I was so happy I gave him a hug, and then it was Evil Bakura and he told me that if he ever saw me again he would rip out my intestines and use them as a noose to hang me with. So I came to see you guys!"  

            "… I give up.  I just give up.  There's no point in continuing to live anymore.  It's lost all meaning." Yugi said sadly.

            "Oh, well don't worry about that!  Everything is about to take a turn for the better!" Tristan said proudly.  

            "No, it isn't.  If YOU think it is, that means it will actually swirl down into a horrible pit of despair.  Swirl down FURTHER, I mean."  

            "No, no, no!  Happiness is just around the corner!  You see, just before I lost TristanCorp., I used my business influence to get you a FREE 'Tons of Fun Cube'!" Tristan said, smiling widely.

            "… … what the hell am I going to do with a six-ton metal cube that doesn't do anything?"

            "Why, you can have all kinds of fun with it!"

            "How?!"  
            "You can have TONS of FUN!  And it will be delivered by six freight helicopters right to your house, any second now!" 

            WheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeBOOM!

            With a sound eerily reminiscent of a cartoon bomb falling, the huge metal cube fell from the sky… onto Yugi's house.  It completely crushed front half of the shop/home, before sinking far, far into the ground from the force of the impact.  In the remaining half of the house, Grandpa could now be seen eating breakfast off of what was (now) half a table.  "Um… wow.  That was awfully close," he said, eyes wide.  "I'm going to a hotel.  Yugi, clean it up, won't you?  Bye!" He said, and strolled off whistling.

            Yugi looked in horror at the ruins of his house.  "YOU… **_IDIOT…_**"

            "No need to thank me.  Well, I'm off to my own home now, for some rest and relaxation!  Buh-bye!"

            As Tristan walked away, Joey looked a little worried.  "Hey, Yug.  Tristan and I are pals, right,"

            "Yes, although I can't see why," Yugi said despondently, wondering how he was going to clean this up.

            "Well, ya don't suppose he sent ME one a dese, do ya?"

            About a half-mile away, a metal cube fell from the sky, right where Joey's house was.

            "Dammit!  Ah well, maybe it hit my dad.  I gotta go find a nice bench in the park to camp out on.  See ya!"

            "Hey, Joey.  Didn't Evil Bakura say something about mailing a letter bomb to Tristan?"

            "I tink so." 

            From close (maybe a quarter mile) to Joey's house, a small mushroom cloud erupted.  Tristan's voice could be clearly heard screaming "OH SWEET JESUS, IT HURTS!  THAT WAS BAD MAIL!"

            Joey and Yugi both smiled.  "Ya know, Yug, I feel strangely better now." Joey commented.

            "Y'know, I feel a little bit better too.  See you around, Joey."

            After Joey headed off, Yugi looked at the ruins of his home and sighed despondently.  He reached down and put one loose brick on top of another one.  They fell over.  Yugi started to cry.

            Behind him, Rebecca walked past.  She turned to him and said, "I went the wrong way.  The bus stop is the other way.  UWEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE!" she cackled insanely, and wandered off.  

                                                                        ***

            Deep in the sewers beneath Domino, Malik stumbled around in the filth, lost and confused.  At least Isis wasn't after him anymore, and his Yami was back in the rod where he belonged.  He passed down a tunnel that looked particularly old, and when he got to the end he saw something that looked like a common wooden door.  

            _At last, something that resembles an exit from this hellhole!  _He thought angrily.  Wallowing in muck for hours tended to make him a little bit grumpy.  

            He opened the door and stepped inside.  There was a sign inside.  He shone the light from his Millennium Rod on it and saw that it said "KaibaCorp., the world's Leader in Horrible Weapons of Death since 1934."

            "Wow." He muttered.  KaibaCorp hadn't made weapons in years, since Seto Kaiba had taken over.  They must have renovated and paved over this area.  Suddenly, he heard a growling from somewhere to his left.  He shifted the Rod that way, and saw a nightmare vision.  Three creatures, similar in form to rats but the size of a large dog, were snarling at him.  And behind them were dozens of red, glowing eyes.  Suddenly, in his mind, he heard a mighty telepathic voice:  ­–_Greetings, little mortal. We are the greatest of beings, the mighty Rats of Kai-Bacorp, masters of this underrealm.  We shall rend your flesh and grind your bones to a fine powder.–_

"Um… can't we talk about this?"

            –_No, not really.  We're, y'know, horrible irradiated beasts.  It's kind of in our nature to devour the weak and foolish humans who wander into our realm.  It's a genetic thing.–_

_            *Actually, I'm not really hungry*_

_            –Dammit, Steve!  You never want to devour anything!  Its always 'I'm not hungry' or 'he looks fast, let's not chase him'!  If you had your way, we'd all starve to death!–_

_            *Hey, I can't help if I'm a light eater!  And anyway, humans taste funny!*_

_            –Listen, Steve, your tastes are your business, but we've got a weak and foolish mortal to devour.  You don't have to devour him if you don't want to.–_

_            /Actually, I'm not hungry either.  Had a big breakfast./_

_            –Oh, not you too Bob!  At this rate we're all going to die of malnutrition before we eat this guy!  You KNOW how I get if I don't get my daily RDA of Vitamin C…–_

_            (Hey, where'd he go?)_

Malik, never an idiot, had turned around and run for his life.

            –_GET HIM!–_

_            *I told you I wasn't hungry!*_

_             –DAMMIT, STEVE!–_

The End.

"Thank God!"  Malik said, stopping to rest.

            Author:  There's still an epilogue, dude.  

            "Dammit!" he swore, starting to run again as a giant rat turned a corner and caught sight of him.   


	29. The Epilogue of DOOM!

The Epilogue

      Or

"Thank God it's over… what do you mean there's an epilogue?  Dammit, literature…"

            Bakura sat in the sun.  He was on the beach in the private island he had conned from the Dark, Foul, Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction.  He wore a bathing suit, sunglasses, and the Millennium Ring.  On one side of him lay thousands upon thousands of Twinkies, while on the other side was a veritable mountain of ice cream.  Every so often he would take a scoop from the ice cream and eat it, then transform into his Yami, who would eat a Twinkie, then transform back.  Mostly, though, they just sat there working on their tan, and watching the actual pirates who had come with the island have a naval battle.

            _~Bakura?~  _Evil Bakura thought lazily.    
            _Yes, Yami?_

_            ~How much money are we worth?~  
            $576,930,002, Yami._

_            ~Ah.  I thought so.~_

Due to a slight mix up in the financial records (What with KaibaCorp. changing hands twice in one day), all the money Bakura had made conning… er, selling products to… people had gone DIRECTLY into his own bank account.  With that in mind, Evil Bakura was willing to overlook the fact that he hated his counterpart desperately.

            _~So, Bakura.  What do you say we make those pirates fight to the death for our own amusement, then throw all this junk food away and buy NEW junk food for no other reason than to flaunt our wealth?~_

Bakura thought about that for a moment.

            _You know, I really don't see any reason why not._

And the Sun continued to shine.

                                                                        ***

            Cutting-edge KaibaCorp. VP Mai put her feet up on her new desk and smiled in satisfaction.  Sure, her hostile takeover of Industrial Illusions had no hope of succeeding, but just the fact that she was able to attempt to make such a takeover made her feel pretty good.  She glanced over at Mokuba, who was playing with a GameBoy Advance™ (It's Advanced!) after getting his stuff out of his (now Mai's) office, and said,  "Hey, sorry I took your job, kid,"

            Mokuba chuckled.  "The funniest thing about it is that Seto thinks it's a punishment.  He basically just took away my only responsibility on the planet and made me back into a spoiled rich kid who has everything handed to him.  Oddly enough, I don't feel too worried about it," that pleasant little grin turned into an eerily (Seto) Kaiba-like smirk.  "Of course, doesn't mean I won't pay him back…"

            Suddenly, from somewhere else in the building, a blood-curdling shriek could be heard, followed by "**NOOOOOOOO!  ****WHERE DID IT GO?!?**"

            Mai's eyebrows raised.  "What did you do to him?"

            "Hee, hee… well, I found him passed out at his desk hugging his deck a little while ago, and I slipped one of the Blue-Eyes out and hid it under his coaster.  He'll find it eventually, but until then…"

            "**WHYYYYYYYYYYY**?!?!?!"  

Mai chuckled.  "Poor schmuck.  But at least now he won't notice the money I took out of the company funds to buy a new limo…"

Mokuba wiped a tear from his eyes.  "In my job for three hours and already embezzling Seto's money to buy stuff that looks cool… I'm so proud…"

"WHERE IS IT WHERE IS IT WHERE IS IT WHERE IS IT WHERE IS IT WHERE IS IT WHERE IS IT WHERE IS IT WHERE IS IT WHERE IS IT WHERE IS IT WHERE IS IT WHERE IS IT…"

Mokuba and Mai shared a little chuckle at Kaiba's expense.

"WAIT A SECOND… **MOKUBA!**"

            Mokuba's eyes widened in terror.  "Aw, nuts." He said, and sprinted out of the room.  A few seconds later, a door exploded as Seto ran out of the staircase without opening it and thundered after his little brother.

            Mai smiled, and got out her new cell phone, wondering vaguely how long it would take for the new shoes she had ordered to arrive.  In the meantime, she planned to make a little call to the Stock agency.  Sporks Incorporated was really on the rise…

            In the lobby, KaibaCorp. Executive #5 entered the building, said hi to the receptionist, helped Security fight off a giant rat that had somehow snuck in through the ventilation system, and shuddered at the sight of the S.S.S.S.S.S as they were led off in a cage back to their silo.  Creepy things.  The second they found out they were going back into lockup, they had quite suddenly just ridden off in all directions and began attacking random people.  #5 supposed that was one of the drawbacks of employing a brigade of soulless demons.

            Suddenly, Mokuba Kaiba sprinted through the lobby and burst through the front door.  He was followed by his brother, who burst through a wall… literally…looking angrier than #5 had seen him in at least an hour.  

            "**WHERE IS MY BLUE EYES WHITE $%^)$(*%$) DRAGON YOU STUPID LITTLE GEEK?!**" He roared.

            #5's jaw dropped.  "Y'know," he said to no one in particular,  "I'm beginning to question the wisdom of giving control of a multi-billion dollar corporation to a man who can't keep track of his playing cards."

                                                                        ***

            Yugi gazed in awe at the results of his great work.  It had taken hours and hours, but through the use of some stolen construction equipment, he had done BETTER than repair his old house.  He had REPLACED it.  

            It helped that Tons of Fun cubes were made of very soft metal, and mostly hollow.  It also helped that Yugi apparently had a natural talent for operating heavy machinery.  

            "LO, and BEHOLD!  I HAVE UNEARTHED THE GREAT CUBE OF DESTRUCTION, AND THROUGH THE MIRACLE OF MODERN METAL- CUTTING TECHNOLOGY, HAVE TRANSFORMED IT INTO A PLACE OF DWELLING!"  Yugi proclaimed to the world.  He had simply used his stolen crane to resurrect the mostly buried cube, and then used his stolen blowtorch to cut a makeshift door.  True, the metal cube had no furniture, no windows, no light, no water, and it did not connect to the remainder of his old house.  It was… well… just a bare metal cube.  But the point was that YUGI had unearthed it, that YUGI had carved into it a great and mighty door.

            _After all this ridiculous week, I have created a true accomplishment for my very self!  I, working alone, have made a useless and idiotic cube into a place in which to live, a marvelous home!  I feel like a new man!  Nevermore shall I allow myself to be walked over, and stepped on!  No, no more being a doormat for Yugi!  From now on, I am in control!  _

"DO YOU HEAR THAT, WORLD?!  I, YUGI MOTOH, AM NO LONGER YOURS TO STEP ON **ULF!"**

As Yugi proclaimed his new confidence to the universe, he was immediately run over by Mokuba.  "Ow…" Yugi said.  "Okay, maybe ONE more person will step on meUGH!" finished as Kaiba, emitting a wordless roar of pure fury, stomped him.  

For what seemed like the millionth time that week, Yugi sighed sadly.  "Never.  Mind."

                                                            ***

Tristan, in his hospital bed, emerged from nearly five hours of deep thought.  

"Yes," he said, satisfied with the results of his intellectual journey,  "Opening that package marked 'letter bomb' was definitely a bad idea,"

                                                            ***

Malik sighed in relief.  Finally, he had gotten away from his sister… AND he'd managed to lose those horrible rat things by reaching up through a manhole to grab at a random passerby to use as a distraction.  

Now all he had to do was spend a few months in a sewer until Isis calmed down.  He'd lived through Isis for years, and this hadn't even been her worst tantrum (The time he'd accidentally spilled ketchup on her favorite robes, she'd obliterated several small African nations hunting him down), he was pretty sure that if he could just stay away until she cooled off a little bit, she probably wouldn't slaughter him like an animal.

So he just sat, and contemplated exactly how lucky he was to be alive.  It wasn't the almighty power of the Ancient Pharaoh, which was really why he'd come to Domino in the first place, but he'd take what he could get.  In the meantime, maybe he could build some kind of shack in one of the alcoves down here…

Suddenly, a small person with dark, spiky hair dropped down from one of the manholes.  He got up and looked around like a frightened rabbit before Malik recognized him as Mokuba Kaiba.

"Older… sibling… gone… nuts…" Mokuba gasped frantically.

"Join the club, kid."

                                                            ***

I would love to tell you what Yami and Tea were doing, but this story is rated PG-13.

                                                            ***

Joey, camping out in the park, sat up with a start.  "Hey… I just realized that other than losing my house, nuthin' real bad has happened to me this week!  It wasn't a really nice house… not a big loss at all!  Yeah, I'd say that this went pretty well."

::CLUCK!::

Eyes wide with fear, Joey turned around.  Standing behind him were several very angry, very FAMILIAR looking chickens.  Some of the chickens looked a little beat up (Joey had put up a good fight last time), but on the whole they seemed healthy.  And unhappy.

"Aw, crap." Joey said.  He turned to the author.  "Just couldn't resist, could ya?"

Author:  Hey, you asked for it.  

"Y'know, I'm starting to see why Yami hates you so much."

Author:  If I were you, I'd start running.

Joey ran for his life.  The chickens, clucking maniacally, followed.

The author sat down on the bench and kicked up his heels.  

Author's Note:

Wow, it's really over this time.  Well, except for the sequel.  Thanks to everyone who reviewed; you guys rock.  Some of you scared me a little bit, but I was very happy to note that not one of you gave me a review that I would describe as truly negative.  Telling an author that there isn't much about their work that you would change is the best compliment imaginable.  

            As I mentioned previously, when I (or rather, my sister) post the first chapter of the as-yet-unnamed sequel, I (or rather, my sister, again) will post a message here telling you so you don't miss it.  I don't know when that will be.  

            For now, consider this:  In the anime, the Deckmaster that the character named NOAH chose was an ARK.  I laughed for a solid five minutes the first time I saw that.

            God, I hope Noah dies soon.

Reviewer Awards:  I love all my reviewers equally, but these few particular reviewers have earned themselves a special spot in the hall of fame!  

**The 'You Write More Than Is Healthy' Award**:  This award goes to pruningshears, for writing OVER TWENTY REVIEWS, one of which was approximately THREE HUNDRED WORDS LONG.  A lot of these words were taken from my author's note, but that is still a beastly review.  Now that's dedication, people.

**The 'Flattery Will Get You Everywhere' Award**-  who could this go to but KhusaruMeseiko?  Other people said they were laughing their asses off or rolling around on the floor, but Khusaru here told me Game Over was 'the Best Story ever written' and that I was a better author than Tolstoy and Dostoevsky.  Aw, I'm blushing…

**The 'Huh?' Award**-  Goes to Jeshone for these little gems (and I'm putting this in verbatim): 

 'Sir, not only are you a saint, but you take something absolutely hilarious and you grabbed its nipples and dragged it kicking and screaming to a whole new level, thank you, you treat the characters in a manner which brings out their true funny potential'.

                                                            -and-

'Thank you for that chapter you are the man, when I read your updates in this story its like a small piece of heaven came down and kicked my ass.  thanks'. 

… … … oh.  

**The 'WHY DIDN'T I THINK ABOUT THAT?! Award**-  This one goes to Nihilist Billy, who suggested I should harass Johnny Steps, the guy who Tea had a dance-off with in one of the filler episodes between Duelist Kingdom and Battle City.  And dammit, he was RIGHT!  But by the time the review came in, the story was already so close to the end that I couldn't fit Johnny in! How could I have forgotten to make fun of that idiot?!  I suppose he just didn't really matter, so I totally forgot about him.  But I'll get him next time.  Ohhhhhhhhhh yes…

**The 'You really deserved SOMETHING' award**-  Shadow Dragonia… you just didn't write as much as pruningshears.  But you gave a lot of reviews, and I like reviews, so I thought you should get a meaningless, pointless reward that has no physical substance or value.  Just like all the other rewardees!

Thank you, all my loyal reviewers.  I hope to see you again for the sequel… and remember, just because it's the last chapter doesn't mean you can't write new reviews!  And next time, bring a friend!   


	30. El Advertisement! To the max!

As a gift to all of my loyal fans, I have included this ultra-rare sneak commercial preview to the future sequel to the award winning work, 'Game Over'!

As great a story 'Game Over' was, even it can't compare to the sequel!  The upcoming, state-of-the-art sequel to 'Game Over' is even now being pieced together from experimental materials in a zero-gravity writing laboratory in the core of the moon.  Here are just a few of the new features!

**X-TREME NEW FEATURES!**

**DOESN'T CAUSE LEPROSY!:  **I know you're tired of Fanfiction comedies that cause blindness, leprosy, and Venezuelan Death Cancer.  Well, scientists have theorized that a sequel to 'Game Over' will not cause ANY of these conditions!  What a bargain!

**X-TREME DISEASE FREE BARGAIN!**

**DOESN'T REQUIRE ANIMAL SACRIFICES!:  **For far too long, FanFictions have forced their readers to sacrifice goats and cattle if they want to read the story.  I am happy to report, however, that through new literature technology, the 'Game Over' sequel will not need any sacrifices of any kind in order to run!  Cool, huh?

X-TREME COOL, AND ALSO NOT NEEDING TO KILL ANYTHING!

**SLICES, DICES, AND GINSUS!:  **The sequel, even in this early stage, cuts through tomatoes, apples, and pears, AND carrots!  Enough cutting power to slice through tough fish and poultry dishes, but enough precision to do that delicate fruit peeling!

**X-TREME CUTTING POWER, BUT WITH THE SENSITIVITY YOU NEED!**

 **60% MORE SHADI!:  **Through the miracle of Hi Power Shadi-Ation Machine Mark X,  it is now possible to increase the amount of Shadi present in the sequel by over SIXTY PERCENT!  That's almost twice as much Shadi as the leading name-brand Yu-Gi-Oh! FanFic.!

**WORD!  IT'S SHADI-RIFFIC TO THE X-TREME MAX!**

**OKAY, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!:  **What the hell is that?

**IT'S X-TREME!**

**NO, YA DON'T SAY!:  **I got that part.  But can you STOP DOING IT?!

**NO!  IT'S TOO X-TREME TO STOP!**

**YOU SUCK!:  **You suck.

SUCK TO THE X-TREME MAX!  WAIT… 

**THIS IS JUST RIDICULOUS!:  **Oh, I give up.Just… just keep an eye out… the sequel will be here eventually.  Once I give it a title and write some of it…

X-TREME SEQUEL WRITING!  TO THE MAX!  KICKIN'!

**I HATE YOU!:  **I'm gonna find out where you live, and when I do…


	31. Meet the Sequel

LO, AND BEHOLD!  AS WAS PREDICTED IN THE TWELFTH DAY OF THE TWELFTH YEAR BY THE GREAT SAGE NOSTRADAMUS!

            _And in the two-thousand and third year of our lord, a fire shall rain from the sky and darkness shall eclipse the land!  But hope will arise in this dark time, for a FanFiction shall be written!  It shall be amusing, but vaguely pointless!  It shall be called 'Game Over'!  And Lo, it shall entertain the masses!  They shalt chuckle and write reviews!  Yet, in the two-thousand and fourth year, this story shalt end, and pain and suffering shall inherit the earth until the third month of that year!  _

_            In that month, on the seventh day of the second week, a light shall shine from the east!  And a voice shall be heard to proclaim 'BEHOLD!  HERE, IS A SEQUEL!' And there shall be much rejoicing!  There shall be many more reviews, because the author shall NOT post twenty chapters at once like he stupidly did with the first story!  He will have learned his lesson!  This story might not be as good, but thou shall not blame the author for it!  He's under more pressure this time!  _

_This story shall be named as a cheap gag from the title of the first!  For as the Alpha Story was entitled 'Game Over', so shall the Omega Story be entitled 'Continue?  10, 9, 8…' in the manner of a message given after you lose at a videogame!  It shall seem as an obvious joke to the author, but many shall probably not get it, because that is how these things work!  _

HEAR, MY CHILDREN, AND BELIEVE!  FOR THE SON OF THE ENDED STORY HAS BEGUN ITS OWN ODDESSEY OF LITERATURE, AND THE PROPHECY HAS BEEN FULFILLED!  Oh, and there was another prophecy about how the Noah saga will appear to end, but then it will be March and everyone shows re-runs in March so we'll have to suffer longer, but that one didn't seem as important.   


End file.
